Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Dark and twisty

the darkness is heavy. The ligh is to light. Everything hurts. The pain of being awak is almost more than I can handle. My mind doesn't shut off rather spins constantly as if making the loading hissing sound a mac book makes when it works to hard to load a page. The processor I believe is responsible for that right? Not sure.

But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the pirpheal hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we can. We can see it. We can imagine it. We have often experienced it. And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.

Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.

Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112

I hate this

With love,
Ell

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

after last post...I

After last post...I felt pretty exposed...It hurt a lot. But then this came on my pandora, and honestly it hurt more...The worst line is the most piercing line. But it is to beautiful, everything about it and the memories it holds. Nothing is perfect, nor should it be. Everyone has their issues, but the first time I had this song played to be I realized that those issues are beautiful because it forges  lines like that last one...so as much as that line, this song, and those memories bring me to tears then and now ..I needed to post it. 
Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate:
"My vacation's ending, I'm coming home late
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
And I can't wait to see you again."
Hate reads the letter and throws it away
"No one here cares if you go or you stay
I barely even noticed that you were away
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."
Love sings a song as she sails through the sky
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes
And everyone knows it whenever she flies
And also when she comes down
Hate keeps his head up and walks through these streets
Every stranger and drifter he greets
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face
Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow
Carrying with her the good things we know
A reason to live and a reason to grow
To trust and to hold and to care
Hate sits alone on the hood of his car
Without much regard to the moon or the stars
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink
Love takes a taxi, a young man drives
As soon he sees her hope fills his eyes
But tears follow after at the end of the ride
Because he might never see her again
Patience, patience, patience
Hate gets home lucky to still be alive
He screams over the sidewalk and into the drive
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55
And the clock in the kitchen is slow
Love has been waiting patient and kind
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign
That the one that she cares for who's out of his mind
Will make it back safe to her arms
Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
He says, "Love, I'm sorry, " and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, whatever
I should not have been gone for so long
I'm yours and that's it, forever
Your mine and that's it, forever"  

with love, 
~ell  

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Through all things we are loved

I am so thankful for grace and Christ's love. Through the spinning through the pain. Christ is love. We may not be protected from the consequences of our actions but we are saved from the condemnation. So thankful today

Friday, April 29, 2016

Call it selfish, but yes I have feelings

I constantly feel punished by my feelings. If I tell someone I'm upset it's my fault for not being understanding. If I'm happy and bouncing off the walls, I need to tone it down people are busy. I know that things are busy, people are busy, school is busy, but honestly I feel like everyone is to busy for me. I never meant to be a burden, and I would think by the countless amount of texts, nights spent waiting, and prayers prayed for success it would be obvious I am so so incredibly appreciative. But  if I say any or all of these things I get to watch people curl into themselves and say horrible things about them and our relationship. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm ungrateful or difficult for not being understanding... When did it become a personal attack to have feelings about a situation?

With love,
~ell

Monday, March 7, 2016

No words feel accurate

I don't really have to many words to convey what I'm feeling. I have always felt truly blessed. I have an amazing albeit slightly shaky family. I love them and they love me, but they are complicated and have each been through a lot in their own ways. Regardless I'm still blessed to have them.

I am even more blessed in my relationships outside my family. My love is truly my best friend. He works so hard for us. He calls me his team member proudly. We both work very hard to be the best we can be for each other, and his love is unconditional and his support is always there. I honestly don't know what my life would look like without him, but I know I never ever want that day to come. I am so loved, and I feel so so much love for him.

So how can with all this can I feel so down and scared. How can everyday be such a struggle. How can I keep struggling to take any semblance of care of myself?

I don't know it's not depression I don't think. Overwhelmed, sure. Anxiety, yes. Body image issues, definitely...depression not there yet. But I feel as if I'm on my way...and I so so fear being there again.

With love,
~ell


Monday, February 29, 2016

tired.

Graduating in May.
Honestly I am not even excited. I will be happy to be done, and thankful for the oppertunity to have finished.


But most of the people in my life has made me feel more than less for taking so long. I don't know I just feel like what's the point.

I feel exceptionally defeated and lost.

I have so much guilt.

I have so many things I am embarrassed about.

I am so ashamed of myself.

I want a superior quality life. I know that has to start with forgiveness, myself and others.

I don't know. I'm not sure how to change anything.

I am watching this amazing youtube video about changing your life by fasting and seeking spiritual healing.


I have no idea if I will do it, because I feel so afraid to fail.

But I crave so whole heartedly freedom in Christ, and from my depression, my eating disorder, the constant incessant thoughts I have a million times a day.

I know that through the spirit I can be successful. I can do it, and I really really want that freedom.



rambling and with love,
~ell