what it is...

I have thought a lot about what I want this to be... it's never been pro ana or whatever, because any one pro-eating disorder, is deluded beyond comprehension. It's a disease, an all encompassing life changing disease, not some quick fix to the battle of the bulge but rather the most deadly of all psychiatric diseases. It is not a privileged child's plea for attention, it is a coping skill born out of a time of stress and turmoil that in the beginning may have seemed like a good idea because who doesn't want to be thin, this america after all?! Isn't that beauty? No, but that's what our endless messages urging us to lose 10lbs in a week without trying, or 6 tricks to a flat stomach would suggest, granted despite being completely inundated with messages of changing your body to be enough or rather less I guess because enough would suggest that you were trying to do more achieve more, and here clearly the message must be less there are just a few ever so lightly sprinkled in messages about inner beauty and loving yourself, but which is easier to identify with the excessive relentless messages conveying that to be enough we must be less or the few and far between messages that yes you may in fact be not so horrible?!

But I digress, this is not and will never be a pro-eating disorder or pro-disease blog of any kind, that makes about as much sense as a pro-cancer or pro-epilepsy blog. They are all awful, all encompassing disease that can eventually cause death, so then what kinda blog is this to be? Will I post my intake, my dietary goals, my 2:00am insomniac rants? Probably! Or my thoughts on life, what it means, and how mine is changing for the good and better? Completely!

This is my journal or sorts. I write to relieve stress and to have record of what I thought, and if anyone out there can feel encouraged or less alone by my struggles then I'm glad this is here. If they can't then I understand and I hope you can bypass this with no harm done, because in honesty this is just a place for me to put to rest the restless thoughts that ring in my head and feed the flames of anxiety always burning in my chest, putting off flames that cloud my vision, scrambling the voices, that should blanket and stomp out my anxiety, with the hissing noise of the flames and the faint fire alarm because somewhere deep inside me I know this is not right, and some part of me is warning to get out find shelter and safety. But in the smoke things get hazy and directions become confusing and purging can easily put out the fires for now, far more quickly than searching for those scrambled voices of those who love you and care for you, one of which is your own, but that's the most scrambled at all. So for awhile indecision may not seem so awful, let the smoke and flames encompass you and take you over, but eventually you will break, you will not be able to keep it at bay any longer and you will have to choose a fork in the road that is quite literally life or death?

Right now I am trying to choose life...

Its rocky very very rocky and I am still dictated and controlled by the scale and lower is always better, but I am trying to purge less and eventually none. And only eat whole foods, things that won't send me into panic. It's not perfect but I am trying.

Recently my safe foods have been:
Breakfast is: chia seed pudding with nuts and fruit
green drink made with frozen kale, apples, aloe juice (its very healing to the esophagus) and blueberries, I want to add ginger and lemon to this
lunch is spinach, sesame seeds, tomatoes, eggs, peppers
dinner is black beans, rice, salsa, and guacamole

the hardest is snacks and when I have the munchies, drinks right now are water, almond milk, and coffee/tea. I may cut out the coffee for a little while I am not sure I really like it, but I'm just not sure?
I don't think this is the most wonderful list of safe foods, but their are some challenges in their like eggs, guacamole, and nuts. But they are whole foods and I am being kind to my body, I work out and don't sleep which needs to be the next thing that gets addressed, all in due time. Other things that I am okay with are lara bars and sweet potatoes. I am trying and I will get better. It's not about being perfect, but never giving up.

with love,
~ell

Its been awhile...

I have never been consistent with anything, not with this blog, not with my eating disorder, not with my relationships, not with life...not with anything other than the goal to feel better, to be better, to be enough.

I am never enough. I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, delightful enough, eloquent enough, carefree enough, disciplined enough.

I know in some capacity I am all of those things, but am I enough of if and in the right capacity?

How can you ever know? How can you ever accept yourself for who you are and what you will become, while balancing and striving the desire to be better.

I start another new university tomorrow, without having really cut ties with the old one. I have the most wonderful man in my life, that is a healthy and dynamic relationship that makes me want to be more and to try harder. Yet I still feel alone to some degree...

Some nights the loneliness is worse than others, and thats when my eating disorder is my biggest comfort. The ever present companion that is poises itself as a gentle caretaker encouraging me to seek refuge in its ever cold embrace, but its disguise as delicately crafted as it is, never fulfills me and leaves me lonelier and destitute craving companionship and love more than ever before, but unable to accept it because how could anyone that damaged deserve such connectedness let alone seek it out?

I have been just as sick if not sicker at times than I have ever been before. I cannot promise I will be back. I am indeed happier, more afraid but definitely happier at this point in my life than I have ever been. I do not want to go to treatment, but I do not know how to let go of this awful all encompassing disease.

with love,
ell