Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings

Friday, December 30, 2011

I'm back!

Hello lovelies sorry for the long absence I mean sure I posted a little hear and there but I have not really been here. My mind has wondered continually for a while trying to decide what it really want I think. Here is what it came up with to be stronger in my faith, studious and smart,complete my half marathon, be brave, self disciplined, and of course with out question thin.

I just want to fake care of myself, be healthy (sort of) with respect to well balanced days that will probably always be a low in calories, keep up with my supplements just work on myself.

Yesterday I started my half marathon training went well got in 6.2 miles or 10k. Which is good but I have long way to go seeing how a marathon is 13.1 miles or a little more than 21k. I love running it is just one of those things that make helps me feel free.

School starts in 9 days, I'm nervous and excited. I'm taking calc so it will require lots of studdying which I enjoy so it shouldn't be to bad, just anxious and afraid I suppose.

I think I'm more afraid that I will slip back into old havbbits of not taking the time to run, procrastinating my studies, and just become all the qualities I hate about my self.

I know it's cliche and obviously impossible but I want perfection or at least the best me I can possibly be in all aspects of life.

Now thar I have bored you to physical mind numbing pain how was your holiday? My Christmas went swimmingly!
I got some luckys which were a 27/32 which is around a size 2/4 that alone motivsted the heck out of me.
I also received an iPad and yes you may have guessed it I am an apple geek!
And then I got this amazon watch I think you will all be interested in!

It's made by Polar and it's a heart rate monitor! It tells you how many cals you burn, what heart rate you need to maintain to lose weight, the percentage of calories you burned that came from your fat stores rather than glycogen! It's rather amazing you enter in your stats, take a test, and then it gives you weekly goals to help you achieve either weight loss, cardio improvement, or overall endurance enhancement! You just pick your plan! Then if you meet your weekly targets for time and caloric burn you get a trophy at the end of the week! It also sends you a little letter to your watch that tells you if you did great, need to work harder ect!

I love it and it keeps me motivated because I want those tropheys!
It's called the:
Polar FT60 Heart Rate Monitor

Anyway can't wait to here how your holidays went! IRS good to be back!
With love

Monday, December 26, 2011

Well enough

Mom: "how are you feeling?"
Me: silence
Mom: "are you okay?"
Me: "i'm well enough"
Mom: "sometimes I wish we could tell that eating disorder just to f*€k off"
I laughed.

My mom knows obviously. She is such the eloquent speaker. She doesn't get it but after a couple years of once a month of family counseling she has excepted its not something I asked for...

Sorry I donT have a lot to say I'm usually more verbos with my dull life. Toady though I chose to wallow in how unhappy i am...

I have every blessing in the world every opportunity. But all I can do is dwell on my body. More specifically my unrelenting hatred for my body...

I want to be happy and healthy but I'm 19 and my aspirations havent changed since I was twelve I want bones, pure white bones...

With love,

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Cheer!

Well my Christmas sport is certainly brother a drug addict...bullied manipulated and made me feel guilty for his problems all night...worse he does it to my mom and grandma my nerves are shot to he'll I literally shook violently the entire time he was there...

Then I cried

Then I binged

Merry Christmas...

I'm sorry for my absence I have been reading all your blogs still and commenting occasionally. Finals are over though so I will post more regularly. Semester went good maintained a 4.
Hope your holidays are going better.

I'm not usually in to the whole tips and tricks stuff. But today I found this really help me be less tempted until everything exploded in front of my face. Anyway the tip is wear white or light clothes. You'll be trying your hardest to keep from dropping anything on your blouse/jumper/dress you will have to shy away from the dips, dressings, and sauces. Instead you'll find comfort in foods you can control easily like grapes, carrots, cherry tomatoes ect.
Helped me anyways.

With love as always,

Friday, December 9, 2011

Around and Around We Go.

So today has been mostly good.

I need a measly 3 points on nutrition my final to get an A.
Which ugh is dumb, granted it relieves all the pressure, and there is no need to study, but alas I will I can't just go into the test completely unprepared.

Then my other finals I need a 48% in Development, 68% on my Sign final, and around a 72% on my anatomy final.

My biggest fear is that I will totally fail and get horrible marks, and not keep my A's. University is just on of those things that stresses me to no end...Granted I worked and studied so that there would be less pressure during finals, but yet here I am stressing.

Enough of that though on to important matters.

I doubt I will lose the full 10lbs by tomorrow, but I have lost three already so if I could just keep up the progress I will be able to get off 3 more by tomorrow. Which is sorta twisted, and may not make sense but this is what I mean.

The last 2 days I have ate around 1200 cals and then had to purge them up, which always slows down my weight loss, and the only thing that has kept me losing is the extensive amount of exercise I have been doing.
 Last night I burt 900 cals, the day before I burt 800 cals, and today I plan on burning 1200.
I have only had:
 part of an orange: 50 calories.
I plan on having:
-noodles: 170
-starbucks: 140
total: 360

The only problem is I have to babysit tonight and I tend to munch on way to many calories while I/m there.

I  just will have to be strong. I will possibly bring some sorta of snack so I don't get off track.
Oh and also I have been doing the cotton ball diet. Works rather well at keeping you full. My only problem is that I don't eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm stressed/ board/ incoherent/ or just trying to screw things up for my self. Go figure....

with love,

Note: I blog mostly from my I phone, which makes it really hard to view my followers and then follow them in return. So if you are following me, I would love to follow you too! Just drop me a comment so I can go directly to your page! :)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Hello again...

So much to tell you so little time to do it. I spent way to much time looking at all your blogs and alas time got away from me and I have about 5 minutes to spit this all out.
I went on a binge rampage their for a while not even purging it properly.
Yesterday though I slept in till like noon completely ridiculous.
I did better.
I woke up got my arse to the gym worked out burnt 500 calories, sat in the sauna, and rushed off to class.
Then I got sick left class early walked the 1/2 mile home only to find that I left my keys in class.
Rather than walking back to class I walked the rest of the 3 miles to where T was and had him give me a ride back home.
Strange but I was thinking mostly of calories...I burt more that way.
Then of course got home and I had a mini binged and then I purged it all up.
I'm over estimating here, but I am going with 850 calories for the day.
Okay I have lots more to tell you about fashion. this new blog I found, this new youtube channel, and this new diet I think I'm going to try.
Saturday my mum is taking me shopping and I desperately want  will lose 10lbs by then. I just have to work my arse off and restrict like mad.

with love,

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I'm nervous about tidy I have to preform a song in asl in front of my class. Geez can you please just hit me with a car...I know weird but I want to throw up I hate being in front of anyone let alone 70 someones.

Well I will have to get over it. It's worth almost halfy grade. Plus I haves quiz, a paper, and a test tomorrow. overwhelmed? Yes. Due to procrastination? 100%

On the plus side at least I'm feeling better.

I'll post more later!

with love,

Thursday, November 24, 2011

doom...(but i'm feeling better:)

I will look like this. My thighs will not touch.
I need rules...
Working on them. Please help me out and offer me some of yours, as well.
1. food should take 1 hour or more to eat
2. No eating after 6:55
3. All food must be either piping hot or brain freeze cold (physical pain is better)
4. Foods must be as low in carbs as possible
5. Food may not be used as a tool to procrastinate.
6. Weigh and log weight everyday
7. Keep a food Diary
8. Must drink a cup of hot tea with every meal

Hmm...that is all I have for now. I'm working on coming up with my diet plan...I want it low cal but high in vitamin and nutrients, but as low calorie as possible.
I learned in nutrition that protein is the most satiating macronutrient...or other words. So I want to incorporate lean protein into my diet.

Curious has anyone ever done the Copenhagen diet? What did you think of it?
Thank you for all your get well wishes. I really appreciated them!

with love,

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

still sick...

still sick with the flu and honestly I ache to much to really blog. I'm sorry lovelies...
with love,

Sunday, November 20, 2011


This is will be the End Product.
If I don't Start now, then when?
So temp around 102
Sick: yes
Sore/Fatigue/Aching: yes
vomiting: yes

Flu: YES

I feel very ick....I know incredibly eloquent right?
On the plus side I had a sort a binge day, but do to throwing up I weight a little less than what I weighed this morning, and now I am to nauseas to eat, or drink. So win/win except for my stomach is giving me fits. Suppose I deserve it. Considering the time, and that I still can't get my fever to break I am going to have to miss class...Hopefully she will let me make up the quiz.

I'm in sorta oh hum mood honestly. I have been disappointed with my caloric intake lately...So I think It will benefit me to spruce up the way I feel about my self with a fast...possibly through thanksgiving...wouldn't that be lovely.

Oh you terrible holiday. I am thankful for so many things yes, but the killing of thousands and thousands of indians not really one of them.

I hope you all are lovely.

with love,

Friday, November 18, 2011

Oh what can I say? Yes it is a wonderful, devious, ingenious idea.

So I learned in nutrition that one pound of fat has 3,500 calories. This gave me a wonderful, devious, ingenious idea.
Work out for 3 hours: 1800 cals in the am
keep my intake round 550 calories
keep up my with my studies. Finals are not even a month a way.
Then go for my usual nightly swim. (around 500 cals).

My BMR: 1,550 calories

BMR is how many calories your body needs if you were to lay completely still all day to maintain you current wait. Essentially its the calories your body needs to preform basic physiological functions, breathing, heart beating, metabolism, producing atp, digesting nutrients ect.

So if I eat 550 calories,
Just being alive: 1,000 calories
working out in the am: 1,800 calories
Swimming: 500 calories

That would mean equal a burn of 3,300 a day. 
So I know what your thinking your 200 calories short?!

But in reality, I actually need 2,000 (who could eat that much) Calories to  maintain my body weight once you factor in my lifestyle, (Geez nutrition is the best class I have ever taken). I get professional advice with out even having to pay for it, (well I do have to pay for it, but its tuition vs a doctor bill)

So if anyone would like me to figure your BMR or daily caloric needs I would be happy too!
Also if you are following me and I am not following you just tell me, I love you and appreciate you all so much, I would hate not to follow you, and give you the same support!

with love,

Monday, November 14, 2011

Never land. (this is me being way to honest)

If it there were no dreams I wouldn't know how to survive.
I would be stuck in the dull gloomy life, that I have destroyed. I would like to say it isn't fair, and that I have done nothing to deserve the impeding hopelessness that seizes me in the night, and holds on until daw.
I built these steels wall around my heart and mind so shouldn't I be able to dismantle them? 
But I built them years ago and the mortar is an unknown material that doesn't let go. It is made up of self hatred, loathing, and dreams of becoming strong, no, perfect. I weaved the walls around my mind, no, heart maybe both of steel. Laboring for years.

But no that is not what made them strong....
 These walls are made of magic. These walls have been preserved with a voice that spoke magic incantations. A voice who lied he let me believe he was my only friend.
In reality he was my enemy. I cannot blame him, for all of the things that have been stolen from me, because I choose to let him in. 
I'm the the true thief, the girl who didn't say no.
But wasn't I always taught to listen?  

My childhood is gone. My childhood is irretrievable, gone forever... but is this how the rest of my life will be spent in fear of...
being a disappointment?

He doesn't tells me to try harder when I admit my failures,
he knows...he tells me "I'm the failure"
My mind skips to the beat of his drill sergeant voice. 
I could never leave him. Then I would be...

with love, 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hello lovely...Head space cleared

So my absence yes long. Sorry about that I wasn't really gone though I was stalking you from a far. Creepy I guess. But in my absence I did some soul searching and found I want these things
1. To be happy with the way I look (skin and bones)
2. To live life to the fullest, enjoy it, take risks (this will require confidence which requires me to be skin and bones)
3. To be successful (I can devote so much more time to school when I can stop spending my time loathing myself, and working on drastic plans to get to skin and bones).
4. To Be HAPPY. (this will require me to look like I am skin and bones)

So I devised a plan starting at 12:00am I will fast until saturday. Where I will then implement my new diet I devised.
It may have been thought of before, but to me it is bran new and something I created.
So here is how it goes:
-You Eat Yourself thin. (weird but just hear me out)
1. You eat 6 meals a day.
2. The meals cannot contain more calories than you ultimate goal weight.
3. You must drink half your body weight in water. (Tea and coffee do not count)
4. Take your multivitamin, and fish oil, and b complex so your hair and complexion stay beautiful.
5. Exercise twice a day. (morning and night to speed up your metabolism)

So applying to my life this will mean:
my meals can be no bigger than 98 calories
and I will run in the morning and swim and the evening.

It feels so good to be back I missed you all a lot.
with love,
"Can't you feel it?"

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Here...where ever this is

I'm alive (I think)...for anyone who cares...I don't think I do anymore...

with love,

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

One more day... I can do this!

One more midterm
-3 more major products
-10 more discussion
-one more paper
-a bazillion pages left to read...
Trying to start studying for my midterm that is at 8:am tomorrow morning.

But you lovelies were calling to me...
I'm so ready for it to be over. Anatomy and physiology went well. I think I missed around 3...wanted to do to conquer this stupid dev. midterm....

I can do this. I will do this...
Really should get started...
Oh and I will right after I tell you my plan till saturyday (maybe longer idk yet)
-diet zevia (0) cals,
-emergenC (25) cals (their vitamins, with high dose of b12 (for energy) and vitamin c (help me fight off this on coming flu/cold I have coming on)
-green tea: (0)
-coffee: (2)

workout as much as I can take, and let this hell like shell I'm stuck in fall to ground so I can be free...

hope your well!
with love,

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Good. (short post)

intake: 600 cals
Output: 604 plus abs (100 sit ups, 50 pushups)

Good. Will post more soon! These midterms are kicking my booty! Should be hard since there is so much to kick...

with love,

Friday, October 14, 2011

pathetically horrific...

Fighting, binge, ecstatic, erratic...depressed...

I have always battled with depression, being an outcast, left to live in your own warped and twisted headspace can do that to you...
Intake was horrible...I will hopefully maintain...where I was at this morning...
Total intake was: 1280...
I will do better tomorrow...depression...depression...go away come again another day...

your wonderful!
with love,

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Deep breath...(really you don't have to read this)

So midterm over for this week, two more to go. I'm freaking as we blog ;) sitting in starbucks avoiding home, feeling completely irrational...I don't get it I'm just upset. Lets look at my intake maybe this will elude as to why?!
coffe (8)
protein shake (100)
thai noodles (175) 
Jello (10)
Starbucks: skinny caramel soy mocchiato (140)

434 calories

Yes I realize this is fine, not great, but fine. It's just my workout...I thought I would be able to work off 1000 cal, but no I burt:
748 cals....That is nothing not even 800...I am just suck a fuc*ing fat *itch!!!!

I don't know what is going on why, i'm being the gym I was down another lb from my post binge weight. I just...I'm overwhelmed a little depressed. College. makes me stressed. Life makes me stressed.
(I'm really sorry if you reading this)

This is how pathetic I am:
Nearly got slammed into by an suv who was drive irrationally fast almost hit me in the cross walk, literally cars were honking at her and the genius that she was she looked the opposite way that she was driving?!?
I literally could have hear her smacking her stupid gum! But you know what the first thought came to me was, "wow I'm going to die fat" the next thought (this i'm embarrassed to admit) "if she hit me I wouldn't have minded..."

Oh and yet instead of realizing how quick and fragile life is, I went back to sulking for missing two on my midterm...I know i'm f*ed up...

I just want perfection, happiness, surely this will get me there right?! In the 7th grade when I was this height 5'4'' (not growing in 6 years=pathetic) and almost 90lbs...I was happy elated even. sure my peers hated me...and the only time anyone talked to me was if they were asking me for diet tips (which I never gave) or making fun of me for my sheltered home life!? Before they threw me in prison  rehab...

I will be happy. confident. successful. thin.

On another note. I'm not sure if I believe in frienship, bff, friends, or any of those other lies...I think there only people who use you to make themselves feel better, popular, successful, and those that use you to help them do better in school/life/ect.

Now i realize not all friends are like this...but lets just say 99.8% (wow I'm being very grim, and fowl aren't I)

I'm sorry lovelies for the rant if you read it, I love you and if you didn't I love you all the same! This may be one of the few outlets that I feel free, and keeps me going.
I will look like THIS. I. Will. Be. Happy.
If i'm not following your blog leave me a comment. I do a lot of this from my phone so it make following  and seeing viewers difficult.

Be safe, take care,
with love,

Please, Please make this stop. (warning rant)

I blacked out last night, in the bathtub, very scary! I was so numb I
couldn't move what the F?!
I have survived on less than 200 cals for years, while doing swim team?!
I blame it on age...okay I know 19 is not old but really wtf?
Sorry I'm just really upset because now everyone is all supicious, and I probably ate close to 2000 cals last night. Now really I would be lying to you if I said I was forced.

NO. Oh No...
The first meal yes it was a "eat this, in front of me, situation"
Everything after was a full on tears running, manic binge, I ate litteraly till I was puking and then well I freaked and took way to many laxitives.

Oh and get this wonderfullness?! my eyes are still all black and fuzzy?!
I ate, okay body, stop freaking out on me!!!

The good thing Is that I was punished which I needed to be. In other words I'm thank full for it. I put on that lb that I had lost. Which is horrifying, traumatizing, self harm inducing hard for me to accept, but I DESERVE it!
I was weak, lazy, horrid, and worst of all out of control?! What headspace was I in that allowed mindless binging!?!

That is the worst part. What headspace was I in? What if it happens again. Stop. I can't. I won't let it. I don't want to be on the binge purge marry-go-round again.

Sorry for the rant i'm calmer now, feel more capable of studying...binging just scares me...
I'll post my official intake later
But so far the plan:
b: coffee (8)
L: protien shake (100)
D: apple (68)

I have a date with the gym and sauna I need to punish myself...I want to burn at least a thousand of those calories I consumed.

Oh right now to study for that midterm.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Progress is progress!

So today I am down 1lb! I'll take it ;)
Before I get any further: 
What are your opinions on salt and sodium? specifically pertaining to weight loss? (if you have an opinion just leave a comment thanks) 

In other new my nutrition test went really well he tries to be so tricky on the wording using three similar answers and differentiating only one i'm not going to make predictions on the grade yet, but I felt good about it.
This may be due to I'm about to get in a long soaking bubble bath after burning 523 calories during my work out and blogging while sipping on some hot tea, but it's probably a combination.
I'm just sorta relaxed and consciously aware of everything right now. I worked out hard burt 410 cals, then sat in the sauna to stretch out, and went for a little run/jog which felt really good, even though it was short and only burt 123 cals.
My intake: was
1/4 latte: 26 cals
protein shake: 100 cals
apple 65 cals
lara bar: 200

I'm in the negative for now and to prevent a binge I made my self drink 60oz of water, take a bubble bath, blog, and drink hot tea before I can even think about food. I'm guessing dinner will be about 200 cals...
I can't wait till midterms are over and I can do a proper blog and really get to know everyone, and you me. So i'm not just some stranger that posts intake/output, and stats all the time!
Coffee: Because I live on it! 
Are her arms not incredible?! 
I love you all one more midterm this week! Stay strong my incredible friends!

with love,

comment responses:
Charlie: thanks for the encouragement! I really needed those kind words they made my night increasingly better! And agreed stress makes me want to put on my go fasters (shoes) and RUN!!!

Sienna-rose: That was exactly what I need to do once I relaxed a little it was so much easier to prioritize! Deep breathing definitely was a need recommendation!  

Depressed-skinny-mess: you were right I spent more time on doing things that make me happy such as working out and drinking tea. I'm much more prepared to study for this next midterm!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

well down 3bls...but aching all over (warning rant)

So I am down 3 lbs. I will post my stats in two weeks, mainly because I want to do some before and after stuff and give my blog a make over and I don't want to have to erase it all and do it again. So wow I have had a crazy week.

4 quizes
1 nutrion test
1 midterm
next week
 I have another project due
A paper
10 discussion posts due
1 anatomy midterm
1 speech and lang midterm

Now you may understand why I have been missing in action. I am stressed to the max i upped my cals to 800 thinking that would help me concentrate and so far no improvement. I am stressed to the point of tears, convolsive crying, and or flinging my self off the steps (not exactly a big jump, but i'm just plane desperate). I hate, hate, hate hate my body, my looks. I hate being so over whelmed I don't go to the gym or work out. I hate my inability to focus and concentrate. I hate that I procrastinate (like I am doing now).

I love you all, be back whenever I can. Oh btw I have been reading all of my followers blogs, a couple of them from their first post to their most current (procrastinating). If you want me to follow your blog just leave me comment and I would be happy to :)
how I feel: except huge
with love,
~ Ell

Monday, October 3, 2011

Life or what ever this is...

I'm transfering universities...they have a better premed program and I just want to succeed...I want to be a work in a nicu, with premies...I want to travel and do doctor's with out borders yes this does mean I will spend the majority of my 20's in med school. But it is worth it to me...I'm just nervous! The switch will probably put me a year behind, but I can't say I will regret it. I'm 19 knowledge at this point is always worth it. I just have to be confident and believe this is what's best for me...I will succeed!

To sienna rose: as you can see i'm sorta stress ball at times so my plan varies, some days but is very strict others.
On the strict days it is: I just try to keep it around 600 and depending on the work out somedays under 1,000
Breakfast: 1 protien shake
1/2 cup rice
bell pepper
4 oz of chicken or salmon
huge amount of veg
berries and apples

Lap swim at 5:45
after class long run: 3-6 miles (will be more sooner)
speed work: 15 min (alternate this with abs or yoga)

So this is my general schedule. Somedays I demand more of my self than others, and my studies always demand a lot from me any way!

I love you all!!!!!!!!
I will post again soon!
with love,

Friday, September 30, 2011

Oh life! What a curious mystery?

So every single day I screwed up right at the end! I would be heading to bed or off to study and then bam! Major screw up some times 90 calories of screw up some times close to 1500 calories of screw up! Three words words Fat A** Failure!

But the scale didn't reflect it go figure I lost still? I don't understand not even a little!

On with other ramblings that are not of my depressing intake!

So I may be running cross country next year for my university?! Which I'm really nervous/ excited about!
My times are better than a lot of other people, but my distance ehh well I'm working on it. Right now I'm training for a half marathon which is okay but not as god as I can do!

In other new so I'm taking a nutrition class (the joy of pre-med), which awesome, but freaking scary supposedly we are all at a risk of dying way more than most normal people, and we have a higher risk of cancer, alzheimer's, osteoporosis, and a whole slew of other horrible things!

Great I'm recovered!
Really did anyone believe that?

No instead I designed a total alkline, alzheimer's, high in calcium diet! With a complex carb that will fuel my runs!

For 600-680 calories.

And according to my goal calculator I should be 108 by december! Sweet!

More on this later! I still have four projects to tackle!

Love you all,

Monday, September 26, 2011

Fast, Fast!

So this week is nuts just so much time consuming work: group project, speech sample analysis, clinical hours, paper, quiz, and mid term prep! Wish me luck!
But that mean little or no blog for a while.

Although my saving grace will be fasting till october! Zero calorie anything and lots of water!
So now words of wisdom from supersize and super skinny (UK show): when your about to binge "do not give food control of your life!"

with love,

Saturday, September 24, 2011

fasting strong! With a 3lbs loss!

So Fasting is going great I am exhausted though, but I'm hoping my run will fire me up to study! (ironic right, but exercise wakes me up).
We are hosting a movie night and I nervous because that always means junk food. I don't even like junk food, but just being around it scares me. I suppose this will be a true test of will! I think I will go for 3 days straight, meaning I will be fasting tomorrow as well! I love being empty and light I feel so happy.
intake today:                              
zero cal lemonade

Anyway still nervous about starting the abc diet I just want to succeed, and 50 days offers a lot of room for failure. There is this new diet called the 3 hour diet, but I feel it might lead to way to many choices resulting in a binge. I just want to stay in control and starting the abc monday is making me very anxious.

Thinspo for the day: 
Note to self: repeat, repeat, repeat!

so after the first week of the abc diet I will post my stats I need to feel less like a failure. When I post them! 
with love, 

thinlove: I'm not sure I just love it throw on your I pod and exams, stress, life, it's all gone its just you pushing your self till your eyes go black!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Zero calorie success!

Today went so perfectly I have made it over 24 hours with zero calories my only intake was a couple fish oil vitamins, and ritalin.
I'm so freaking happy. It is such a high I had lost a 1lb as of this morning I hope its more when I wake up! Tomorrow I think I will try to fast again! Then go grocery shopping, human society, and study! Then Sunday I will either fast again or start the abc diet? Not sure, I'll let you know after tomorrow.

any way in response to Karolina, epsom salts are pretty gross, but totally work. Just go to  the store in the pharmacy section find epsom salts which is name brand or generic and on uses it says laxative 8oz of water and 2 tablespoons of salts. I usually do double that and it should work in 1 hour to 8 hours. Oh and drink tons of water makes it works faster. You can buy it at Walmart or Walgreens, my doctor told me this is the safest laxative when I was having issues because it is all natural and your body can't become dependent on it.

Hope this helps! If you have questions feel free to ask!

with love,

Getting my life together

Well I am losing so complaints are minimal! I did break my fast yesterday right before I went to bed. I felt like such a failure I couldn't sleep so I took the worst, most effective, strongest laxative ever. Epsom salts. Taste horrid, but works. (sorry TMI) So I'm fasting today again and I know it will be a success because I will not be home all day, because my cousin is in the homecoming which mean I have to go to the hell hole that started this damn diseased cycle (okay its not entirely their fault but still). Plus none of my family has gluten free and dairy free stuff so I literally can't eat or I will be super sick!
I have decided to make some life changes. I like structure and hear lately I have been so stressed because lack of structure to my day. With my new class schedule I feel off kilter.
So the plan for this weekend is to finish my list of homework, and start abc diet.
This will get me completely caught up on my work so that I am not behind anymore, (especially with my reading).
then mwf:
5:45- swim
class 8-1:20
go to humane society to walk dogs
elliptical/run abs and yoga
homework at hastings or library
then home
The less I'm home the less likely I'll binge.  
5:45 swim
study at library: till 2:00
class 2:00-5:00
elliptical/run abs and yoga
come home to study

My problem is not not working out I'm sorta addicted to it really. Like I seriously get what I would considered high, but I guess that comes from my childhood of club swimming and tennis, because I had to be the best, which get this I was the best in practice come to a meet or match bam nerves got the best of me I would freeze (insecure much?)

Sorry for the ranting I love you all.
Today's thinspo theme Legs!
 Love her Tights! 

 I will have her legs: I will be ethereal! 
today's song of choice: "Not afraid" by eminem
with love,

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Decisions Decisions....

So here it goes...I am an epic failure today and really just in general when it comes to self control and my head hurts so bad from fainting I can't stand to purge. So instead I am abusing laxatives...My problem I can either have amazing self control, or I just go nuts...I am choosing to just enforce self-control from this point forward.
I am in control and I will succeed in all aspects of life.

To begin this new adventure. New chapter if you will. I am going to fast and then kick off with the abc diet. I am super nervous with this choice...I don't want to fail...I have to trade this insecurity in for confidence!
I want to start the abc diet on Friday but I will need to go grocery shopping first:
-10 cal jello
- baby carrots
- rice cakes
- bell peppers
-cherry tomatoes

Oh and a new recipe to add!
3 calorie dressing:
-1/8 c of balsamic dressing
- pinch of turmeric, coriander, dried parsley, dried oregano, dried garlic, dried red pepper
- 3 dots of horseradish mustard
- 1/4 teaspoon of liquid aminos.  

Hope you all are well!
with love,
~ Ell

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Beautiful isn't it? London Fall Fashion week

Fall its so beautiful the air is cool and it reminds you of love and it is peaceful. Today went well. Yesterday not so much. I passed out and hit my head on ceramic tile and I got a concussion! Super nauseated right now and my head is pounding, but not to worry I still have 2 quizzes to study for! YEA! 

My intake went relatively well so I'm trying to complain to much. 
Total Intake: 530 
Breakfast: coffee (0 cals)
Lunch: jello (10 cals) 
snack: granola bar (260 cals)
dinner: soup (90 cals) 
            Thai noodles (170cals) 

I have done better, but I will take a laxative and call it good enough. Somedays just seem so blahh...The sad part was I was doing perfect till after class, then I got to shaky to do anything. Does this ever happen to any of you? I mean I know it was primarily the result of caffine, pain pills, and anxiety? Just wondering if you had any ideas on how to make it stop? 

Now time for some inspiration! straight from London's catwalk: Fall Fashion Week
 Parabal Gurung
 Tibi: My personal Fav!
Song of choice this week: "Let Go" by Frou Frou 
with love,

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sunday...last day of freedom

So it fels like the last day of freedom before school starts back up. My Lifespan test did not go quite as well as I had hoped and it's sad but I was inconsolable... School is just my thing. It just really broke my spirit almost. But now im better! Sorry to rant!
Anyway my intake to day:
Breakfast: 0
Homade soup: 60 calories (recipe below)
Snack: latte 120
Yet to be determined:
Either soup or salad

So I made the soup and it was so easy and good!
5 cups water
2 tomatoes: 22 cals
MSG Free Chicken base: 45 cals
Seasonings: cumin, seasoning salt,  lots of pepper, parsley: 0 cals
Small onion: 20 (or use 1/4 regular onion)
Frozen vegetables: 20 cals (I like the asparagus mix)
2 slivers of serano: 5 cals
1 clove of garlic: 7 cals
Total: 119 calories

1. use pam to spray bottom of stew pot
2. glaze onions and garlic on med-med high for 5-7 minnutes
3. boil 5 cups of water in tea pot
4. add water to stew pot and chicken base or Bullion Cube
5. then add rest of vegtables, and seasonings
6. bring to boil, turn to med-low for 8 minnutes

Then it's done!
So it will bring about 2-3 servings.

It is really yummy! hope you will try it plus it will be really delightful on these chilly fall evenings!
Best part of fall is soups, basically all water relatively low calories and they make you feel super full!
Best wishes for your week lovelys!
with love,

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Why hello there beautiful!?

Ho Hum! Dum-didlle-Dum!

Well, the day was beautiful! It is raining cold and the weather finally feels calming and soothing! I had my anatomy and physiology quiz today it went well. I have a test tomorrow that I haven't even done the reading for! (yikes) 

Intake wise was lame today and worse the day before! 
I binged all day yesterday! It was horrible! Yesterday was probably around 3,000 cals...It was just bad! 
Today was less thank goodness! 
Still under 900 which is always my max (when i'm not inhibited with stupidity and lack of control) 
Today was as followed

Total Intake: 845                                                     Exercise:
Breakfast:                                                                abs: 50 sit ups, 50 leg lifts, 20 oblique ups,
protein shake: (165 calories)                                    20 throw down (calories ?)
lunch:                                                                      elliptical: 525 calories
caramel mochiato: (130 calories) 
2 muffins (190 calories)
thai noodles: (170 calories)
chicken:  (120 calories)
vegatables: (70 calories)

So time for some thinspo to help me with my all nighter i'm about to pull! I love college (almost as much as seeing hipbones)

Love you all and May I suggest a song for you all tonight?
Samson by Regina Spektor (its relatively old but awesome)
youtube link:

with love,

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Back Again

Today was spent cramming for a quiz that was postponed in anatomy and physiology. Oh well less studying later.
My intake was okay: about 200 calories higher than I planned.
(150) oatmeal
(0) coffee
(170) Thai Noodles
(50) Salad
(115) protein shake
(290) Amy's Thai Bowl
(120) Soy Latte

Total: 895
So much when it is all spelled out!
Out put:
run: 1 mile
abs, and leg lifts in sauna
So tomorrow I was thinking of posting some thinspo!

Hope your doing well!
with love
~ Ell

Monday, September 12, 2011


Hi, so my life in a nutshell, I'm 19. I have a anorexia and bulimia, sometimes one more than the other. I used to have a blog, but deleted it to recover. I just need a fresh start, in life.
This is my journey and for once this is for no one but me. 
I really don't want to be self centered! I would help anyone, be a friend for anyone, and I'm hear if anyone needs me. 
I love you and I don't know you! Someday I hope to love my self! 
There will be a proper update about me and my stats soon! 

with love