I'm back!

Hello lovelies sorry for the long absence I mean sure I posted a little hear and there but I have not really been here. My mind has wondered continually for a while trying to decide what it really want I think. Here is what it came up with to be stronger in my faith, studious and smart,complete my half marathon, be brave, self disciplined, and of course with out question thin.

I just want to fake care of myself, be healthy (sort of) with respect to well balanced days that will probably always be a low in calories, keep up with my supplements just work on myself.

Yesterday I started my half marathon training went well got in 6.2 miles or 10k. Which is good but I have long way to go seeing how a marathon is 13.1 miles or a little more than 21k. I love running it is just one of those things that make helps me feel free.

School starts in 9 days, I'm nervous and excited. I'm taking calc so it will require lots of studdying which I enjoy so it shouldn't be to bad, just anxious and afraid I suppose.

I think I'm more afraid that I will slip back into old havbbits of not taking the time to run, procrastinating my studies, and just become all the qualities I hate about my self.

I know it's cliche and obviously impossible but I want perfection or at least the best me I can possibly be in all aspects of life.

Now thar I have bored you to physical mind numbing pain how was your holiday? My Christmas went swimmingly!
I got some luckys which were a 27/32 which is around a size 2/4 that alone motivsted the heck out of me.
I also received an iPad and yes you may have guessed it I am an apple geek!
And then I got this amazon watch I think you will all be interested in!

It's made by Polar and it's a heart rate monitor! It tells you how many cals you burn, what heart rate you need to maintain to lose weight, the percentage of calories you burned that came from your fat stores rather than glycogen! It's rather amazing you enter in your stats, take a test, and then it gives you weekly goals to help you achieve either weight loss, cardio improvement, or overall endurance enhancement! You just pick your plan! Then if you meet your weekly targets for time and caloric burn you get a trophy at the end of the week! It also sends you a little letter to your watch that tells you if you did great, need to work harder ect!

I love it and it keeps me motivated because I want those tropheys!
It's called the:
Polar FT60 Heart Rate Monitor

Anyway can't wait to here how your holidays went! IRS good to be back!
With love
~Ell

Well enough

Mom: "how are you feeling?"
Me: silence
Mom: "are you okay?"
Me: "i'm well enough"
Mom: "sometimes I wish we could tell that eating disorder just to f*€k off"
I laughed.

My mom knows obviously. She is such the eloquent speaker. She doesn't get it but after a couple years of once a month of family counseling she has excepted its not something I asked for...

Sorry I donT have a lot to say I'm usually more verbos with my dull life. Toady though I chose to wallow in how unhappy i am...

I have every blessing in the world every opportunity. But all I can do is dwell on my body. More specifically my unrelenting hatred for my body...

I want to be happy and healthy but I'm 19 and my aspirations havent changed since I was twelve I want bones, pure white bones...

With love,
~Ell

Christmas Cheer!

Well my Christmas sport is certainly lacking...my brother a drug addict...bullied manipulated and made me feel guilty for his problems all night...worse he does it to my mom and grandma my nerves are shot to he'll I literally shook violently the entire time he was there...

Then I cried

Then I binged

Merry Christmas...


I'm sorry for my absence I have been reading all your blogs still and commenting occasionally. Finals are over though so I will post more regularly. Semester went good maintained a 4.
Hope your holidays are going better.

I'm not usually in to the whole tips and tricks stuff. But today I found this really help me be less tempted until everything exploded in front of my face. Anyway the tip is wear white or light clothes. You'll be trying your hardest to keep from dropping anything on your blouse/jumper/dress you will have to shy away from the dips, dressings, and sauces. Instead you'll find comfort in foods you can control easily like grapes, carrots, cherry tomatoes ect.
Helped me anyways.

With love as always,
~Ell

Around and Around We Go.

So today has been mostly good.

I need a measly 3 points on nutrition my final to get an A.
Which ugh is dumb, granted it relieves all the pressure, and there is no need to study, but alas I will I can't just go into the test completely unprepared.

Then my other finals I need a 48% in Development, 68% on my Sign final, and around a 72% on my anatomy final.

My biggest fear is that I will totally fail and get horrible marks, and not keep my A's. University is just on of those things that stresses me to no end...Granted I worked and studied so that there would be less pressure during finals, but yet here I am stressing.

Enough of that though on to important matters.

I doubt I will lose the full 10lbs by tomorrow, but I have lost three already so if I could just keep up the progress I will be able to get off 3 more by tomorrow. Which is sorta twisted, and may not make sense but this is what I mean.

The last 2 days I have ate around 1200 cals and then had to purge them up, which always slows down my weight loss, and the only thing that has kept me losing is the extensive amount of exercise I have been doing.
 Last night I burt 900 cals, the day before I burt 800 cals, and today I plan on burning 1200.
I have only had:
 part of an orange: 50 calories.
I plan on having:
-noodles: 170
-starbucks: 140
total: 360

The only problem is I have to babysit tonight and I tend to munch on way to many calories while I/m there.

I  just will have to be strong. I will possibly bring some sorta of snack so I don't get off track.
Oh and also I have been doing the cotton ball diet. Works rather well at keeping you full. My only problem is that I don't eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm stressed/ board/ incoherent/ or just trying to screw things up for my self. Go figure....

with love,
~Ell

Note: I blog mostly from my I phone, which makes it really hard to view my followers and then follow them in return. So if you are following me, I would love to follow you too! Just drop me a comment so I can go directly to your page! :)

Hello again...

So much to tell you so little time to do it. I spent way to much time looking at all your blogs and alas time got away from me and I have about 5 minutes to spit this all out.
I went on a binge rampage their for a while not even purging it properly.
Yesterday though I slept in till like noon completely ridiculous.
But...
I did better.
I woke up got my arse to the gym worked out burnt 500 calories, sat in the sauna, and rushed off to class.
Then I got sick left class early walked the 1/2 mile home only to find that I left my keys in class.
Rather than walking back to class I walked the rest of the 3 miles to where T was and had him give me a ride back home.
Strange but I was thinking mostly of calories...I burt more that way.
Then of course got home and I had a mini binged and then I purged it all up.
I'm over estimating here, but I am going with 850 calories for the day.
Okay I have lots more to tell you about fashion. this new blog I found, this new youtube channel, and this new diet I think I'm going to try.
Saturday my mum is taking me shopping and I desperately want  will lose 10lbs by then. I just have to work my arse off and restrict like mad.

with love,
~Ell