Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Dark and twisty

the darkness is heavy. The ligh is to light. Everything hurts. The pain of being awak is almost more than I can handle. My mind doesn't shut off rather spins constantly as if making the loading hissing sound a mac book makes when it works to hard to load a page. The processor I believe is responsible for that right? Not sure.

But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the pirpheal hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we can. We can see it. We can imagine it. We have often experienced it. And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.

Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.

Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112

I hate this

With love,
Ell