Deep breath...(really you don't have to read this)

So midterm over for this week, two more to go. I'm freaking as we blog ;) sitting in starbucks avoiding home, feeling completely irrational...I don't get it I'm just upset. Lets look at my intake maybe this will elude as to why?!
Breakfast:
coffe (8)
protein shake (100)
Lunch:
thai noodles (175) 
Dinner:
Jello (10)
Starbucks: skinny caramel soy mocchiato (140)

Total:
434 calories

Yes I realize this is fine, not great, but fine. It's just my workout...I thought I would be able to work off 1000 cal, but no I burt:
748 cals....That is nothing not even 800...I am just suck a fuc*ing fat *itch!!!!

I don't know what is going on why, i'm being irrational...at the gym I was down another lb from my post binge weight. I just...I'm overwhelmed a little depressed. College. makes me stressed. Life makes me stressed.
(I'm really sorry if you reading this)

This is how pathetic I am:
Nearly got slammed into by an suv who was drive irrationally fast almost hit me in the cross walk, literally cars were honking at her and the genius that she was she looked the opposite way that she was driving?!?
I literally could have hear her smacking her stupid gum! But you know what the first thought came to me was, "wow I'm going to die fat" the next thought (this i'm embarrassed to admit) "if she hit me I wouldn't have minded..."

Oh and yet instead of realizing how quick and fragile life is, I went back to sulking for missing two on my midterm...I know i'm f*ed up...

I just want perfection, happiness, surely this will get me there right?! In the 7th grade when I was this height 5'4'' (not growing in 6 years=pathetic) and almost 90lbs...I was happy elated even. sure my peers hated me...and the only time anyone talked to me was if they were asking me for diet tips (which I never gave) or making fun of me for my sheltered home life!? Before they threw me in prison  rehab...

I will be happy. confident. successful. thin.

On another note. I'm not sure if I believe in frienship, bff, friends, or any of those other lies...I think there only people who use you to make themselves feel better, popular, successful, and those that use you to help them do better in school/life/ect.

Now i realize not all friends are like this...but lets just say 99.8% (wow I'm being very grim, and fowl aren't I)

I'm sorry lovelies for the rant if you read it, I love you and if you didn't I love you all the same! This may be one of the few outlets that I feel free, and keeps me going.

I will look like THIS. I. Will. Be. Happy.

If i'm not following your blog leave me a comment. I do a lot of this from my phone so it make following  and seeing viewers difficult.

Be safe, take care,
with love,
~Ell