Never land. (this is me being way to honest)

If it there were no dreams I wouldn't know how to survive.

I would be stuck in the dull gloomy life, that I have destroyed. I would like to say it isn't fair, and that I have done nothing to deserve the impeding hopelessness that seizes me in the night, and holds on until daw.

I built these steels wall around my heart and mind so shouldn't I be able to dismantle them? 

But I built them years ago and the mortar is an unknown material that doesn't let go. It is made up of self hatred, loathing, and dreams of becoming strong, no, perfect. I weaved the walls around my mind, no, heart maybe both of steel. Laboring for years.

But no that is not what made them strong....

 These walls are made of magic. These walls have been preserved with a voice that spoke magic incantations. A voice who lied he let me believe he was my only friend.

In reality he was my enemy. I cannot blame him, for all of the things that have been stolen from me, because I choose to let him in. 

I'm the the true thief, the girl who didn't say no.

But wasn't I always taught to listen?  

My childhood is gone. My childhood is irretrievable, gone forever... but is this how the rest of my life will be spent in fear of...

being a disappointment?

He doesn't tells me to try harder when I admit my failures,

he knows...he tells me "I'm the failure"

My mind skips to the beat of his drill sergeant voice. 

I could never leave him. Then I would be...

alone?  

with love, 

~Ell