Will I crush it before it Crushes me?

I have so much on my heart and my mind. I am constantly battling my healthy self vs. my eating disordered self every meal, every minute alone, every thought is somehow tied to either avoiding screwing up, how to rectify a situation if I do screw up, what is the healthiest choice, is the healthy choice really healthy or is that my eating disorder trying to convince me it is the healthy choice.

I wish my eating disorder wasn't so loud, I wish it was easy to see it as a bad habit needing to be changed, and if it wasn't for the severity of it, the fact life does revolve around nutrition so it is unavoidable, and the seriousness of the consequences that result from the eating disorder I might see it that way. But in some ways that seems like I am taking the matter lightly, and I know myself if I see something as less than pressing it will not get accomplished. So right now just as my eating disorder consumes my every thought I have to try and make my recovered balanced voice become just as prevalent and loud if not louder.

It is just scary right now. I am afraid. I am in a fragile state that honestly feels temporary. I am just working on making it permanent, but I think knowing how easy it is to fail is what makes it feel so fleeting.

And truth be told the small amount of behaviors I am abstaining from is nowhere close to where I should be, where I need to be. I just don't want to go back to prison treatment.

Treatment

Again

Two scary scary words...hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!

with love,
~ell