low hanging fog...

So been in living in England this summer, and it's funny how even in a bustling city people are pretty much the same everywhere. Pre-pubescent teens holding their arms across their stomach with a death grip to rival that of an alcoholic holding on to a handle of cheap whiskey, old men hunched over reading papers trying to make idle conversation with a barista who is far from interested, mom's trying to look like their nerves aren't frazzled as they walk/run after their children shhhhing with each tired step at their innocent yet awnrey squeals...nothing really changes it seems, except the postcode.

I suppose it shouldn't be surprised that is a shared experience I find for myself. Depression...hanging heavy and doesn't seem to be any blustering winds sweeping down the plains to remove it. 

Master's is almost done in other news, and my advisor likes my PhD thesis...that is great. To be honest, I didn't picture myself here, I am surprised I made it this far. I just wish I had enough.. or maybe less...something whatever it is to enjoy it. 

Food has gone back to shit. So really no recovery there right now I am sad to report after having done really for over 100 days straight since my birthday. 

I'm not sure what needs to change, but I really hope whatever needs to does because I am so so tired of this. So tired and so so lonely.

Anyways packing for Edinburgh now, and if anyone is ever wondering is it worth it to visit Scotland... yes, 10/10...the highland hiking, the whiskey, the castle, it is incredibly brooding and romantic and I am so excited to be going back.

I bet you didn't know you would be getting a side of travel advice with the usual depressive ramblings. 

with love,
~ell

tip toe if you must....however you have to just take that first step

Today is day 1 of a journey I feel ill-equipped to take.  I'm afraid, I'm wary of the outcome, I fear that it will result fruitless, but regardless I have to do this. My own King Arthur heroine quest of sorts. Although, rather than deadly dragons and druids I face a winged creature whose snakeheads hiss lies at me, turning me to stone with every move and choice I attempt to make. Keeping me frozen in a perpetual state of inability and illness, keeping me bulimic. Unable to see the person through the venomous looks, becoming nothing more than a monster who wrecks the lives of those around her, crushing each heart one by one. Becoming a Medusa of my own making...

The drive up here was peaceful, the bunkhouse with bohemian light features cold but welcoming. I feel empty clinging to anything I can to find something, or someone that can bring me peace...maybe even myself.

I haven't quite met me in a long time, but I have a feeling she likes to draw get lost in magic, and write... write about the world around her through creative prose that means something different to everyone who reads it but has meaning regardless. I also hope she likes to run, and feel strong. Cuddle up in cozy sweaters, and continue to be fueled by spouts of passion. Yes, that person, that side that has been diminished for so long is welcome to take up room, stretch out into every part of my soul and make a home in me, again.

with love,
~ Ell

Home again home again...never again

i rarely post, and I make no apologies. I love you all but inconsistentcy is one of my biggest character deficiencies

...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.

It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....

Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.

That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.

I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...

I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...

Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...


with love,
~ell