I wish my eating disorder wasn't so loud, I wish it was easy to see it as a bad habit needing to be changed, and if it wasn't for the severity of it, the fact life does revolve around nutrition so it is unavoidable, and the seriousness of the consequences that result from the eating disorder I might see it that way. But in some ways that seems like I am taking the matter lightly, and I know myself if I see something as less than pressing it will not get accomplished. So right now just as my eating disorder consumes my every thought I have to try and make my recovered balanced voice become just as prevalent and loud if not louder.
It is just scary right now. I am afraid. I am in a fragile state that honestly feels temporary. I am just working on making it permanent, but I think knowing how easy it is to fail is what makes it feel so fleeting.
And truth be told the small amount of behaviors I am abstaining from is nowhere close to where I should be, where I need to be. I just don't want to go back to
Treatment
Again
Two scary scary words...hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!
with love,
~ell
I know how hard it is to drown out the disordered voice you listened to for so long! You're very strong to keep trying!
ReplyDeletehey i just started following your blog but I want to say I totally understand this post incredibly. Going into treatment at least once makes me even more confused about my eating disorder because I get out with all these tools and the knowledge knowing that I need to eat for nutrition but then the eating disorder is still there and so loud I feel overwhelmed with the fighting, irritational thoughts of giving into my eating disorder and possibly end back up into treatment just to go threw the process all over again, or get a hold of it while I can. It's a matter of will power in my point of view.
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