recovery....quasi recovery....not recovered at all

Today one of my good friends messaged me. We met in treatment a few years ago. She proceeded to tell me how great her relationship with food and exercise had become, and that she was finally accepting herself. I couldn't have been more happy for her...only till we started really talking did I see she was completely deluding her self.

Recovery is not counting every bite you take, it is not constantly trying to manipulate your body to a lower weight than it naturally rests at, it is not eating one piece of chocolate and running and doing leg lifts to make up for being "care-free" and "indulging."


I am no where near perfect recovery. Not even a little bit. Almost half of all my thoughts (if not more) revolve around food and my body image. I have a running total of calories in my head at any given moment not just from what I am eating, but what others around me are eating. But the difference between my friend and I, is tragically simple.

She believes these thoughts and behaviors are perfectly normal, and that even more this will be apart of a healthy recovered lifestyle, at best this is what they call quasi recovery.

I know I toe a very delicate line of quasi recovery and full on relapse. I hate it. I challenge my self, battle myself every single day. I panic about the future and if this is the life I will lead forever because this is not a fulfilling life I want.

I want to replace the running total of calories in my head with research ideas, replaying my favorite adagios for strings, quotes from documentaries, dreams for what I will eventually achieve, and most importantly I want to love myself for the beautiful creation God made me to be.

So if you like my friend believe yourself to be in recovery ask yourself this: what are your thoughts obsessing over most of the day? When was the last time you appreciated your body for the way it looks, and what it does for you on a daily basis? Do you have to compensate when you deviate from your meal plan or do you just embrace food as one of life's simple (okay not so simple 99.9% of the time) pleasures? Are you actively trying to change your body or do you exercise with a respectful attitude towards yourself and health?

Now last question: Do you want to be living and believing these same things about yourself ten years from now?

Okay I lied one more: If you have a daughter and she felt the exact same way you feel about yourself on a daily basis would it break your heart or would you be proud of her for loving and respecting herself?

So challenge yourself with one tiny thing today. Embrace change, and fight like hell because this self-deprecating mockery of a life is not a life but a prison and isn't what you deserve.

with love,
~ell

the best news (entirely and completely sarcasm)

The best news! My depression his setting record lows and I cannot seem to break the vicious cycle that is on repeat in my head.

It doesn't help that something I wanted so much, needed even completely fell through. Even though I did handle it gracefully in the moment (or at least the best I could given what a huge wave of disappointment I was drowning in) I was met with only criticism and even a bit of projected anger for their own mistake.

Making me defensive, but yet I am the one who was attacking and lashing out. I never realized how much I crave the approval and accreditation from others until I consistently don't get it from someone.

I try so very hard to be enough, to behave the way they want, to be independent, but even when I am nailing it flawlessly for days the next mistake I make is the first comment I receive on my behavior.

Oh but if I try to be that critical of anyone else's behavior it is me attacking them, or not being understanding, or me not caring at all.

Not to say I am not grateful for the many relationships I have in my life, but geez sometimes I just need them to quit caring about telling me how wrong I am and just give me some credit for the other 99 things I get right.

On top of all those feelings. I just had a fight with my mother, and I now have zero desire for Christmas.

Sorry for ranting, sorry I wasn't more uplifting. But I do want to say thank everyone who reads this. Thank you for being you and for trying your hardest, even if you fail, because you are enough.

with love,
~ell

therapy

I started with a new therapist. It is okay...

honestly it really hasnt changed much but i just started.  I sometimes just want to feel really and truly treasured.

Once in a while just that one little thing that is out of the way, the extra mile, that shows how much they care.

I don't know. It is stupid. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to do those things for me, honestly I don't even value me that much...so I guess that is fair.

Just still sings.

Lots of things honestly hurt.

with love,
~ell

I want to matter

I want to matter...
in my relationships
in my field
in my own eyes

I want people to consider my thoughts, my concerns, my desires, and my vision. I am not saying blindly agree, but just really felt considered.

Something that is resonating with me lately is how can anyone consider me, if I will not even consider myself.

I cannot self destruct like a ticking time bomb and then wonder why no one came to me for council.

I am not saying I started loving myself overnight, or that it even got easier but I am saying I can see where I should be heading in terms of self acceptance, or maybe its just more motivation towards self acceptance.

with love,
~ell

Thoughts...

My head spins so fast sometimes...I feel this inexplicable throbbing in my chest saying I am not doing enough, not getting enough done. It taunts saying your not fooling anyone, no one believes you, and we are all just waiting for this facade glass house to crash so they can leave while I am left to my rubble of what I wanted to be, but never really was.

Working out has been hard. The motivation isn't there like it used to be. I think its because I am afraid to run outside, so I am confined to my parents dark house.

Honestly everything has been a little hard. Thinking, managing my anxiety, being responsible in general.

I am just so ready to be away from my parents house. School to start, have somewhere I have to be, someone who loves me every day by my side, even if he is angry with me... I just want to be happy and not here.

I wish my life was on a different path, but wishes don't pay bills, or make day dreams reality. They are just pointless thoughts if you don't have ambition, and its not like I don't... I really do have ambition, I just don't see many possibilities of it becoming a reality.

So I feel trapped, trapped in my head, trapped in my home, trapped in my life...

At the  same time I feel hopeful, I hope it won't always be this way...it can't right?

with love,
~ell

wants...

I want to be desired...

I want to feel worthy of being desired...

I am loved and appreciated and valued...

But I want to be passionately pursued...

When he looks at me I want him to think,
"Damn how did I get so lucky? Of all the people in the world she choose me. Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did, but now she is here and I am not going to waste a second showing her how much I want her to be mine."

Stupid maybe, but that is how I feel about him...

I don't believe I love him more, I just think I desire him more...

And it hurts, but I also don't feel worthy of that much desire either...

Starting the master cleanse tomorrow and very much looking forward to it.
I'll update my thoughts on it later.

Also I am trying to find active blogs, people who post semi regularly. If any of you do just leave any old comment, a number, a letter, an emoji, anything and I would love to follow you back!

with love,
ell

to much...

I have been through to much...
I have done to much...
I am to much...
I haven't been through enough
I haven't done enough...
I am not enough...


The never ending cycle waging its war in my head. The sides both fighting for the same destruction keeping in a perpetual state of confusion. One bomb after another, blowing apart my self esteem, self assurance...

Arguing which I deserve, and which I have not earned.

How can I feel to much and not enough at the same time...How can I hurt so much, but believe I deserve this...

I don't want to need...

I don't need...

I need to be more independent...

I am to needy...

I want to be better...for me, for them, for him, for everyone

I just need to get it together...

with love,
~ell