Home again home again...never again

i rarely post, and I make no apologies. I love you all but inconsistentcy is one of my biggest character deficiencies

...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.

It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....

Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.

That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.

I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...

I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...

Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...


with love,
~ell

Hope Has Forsaken Me

Yes while hope may have forsaken me determination hasn't. I'm not hopeful because I know it will happen. My goals are all achievable, but I have to set my ass in motion to make them happen. The only thing standing in the way of me and my goals, is me.

Last night I felt what I think my have been a close cousin of despair. I was begging for away of of this world and as a owner of a whole bottle of aderol I could have easily got my wish, but then the voice of reason began to say if you really want out can it not wait till morning and Ed jumped sides (he is very fickle) and chimed in if you die now you will be the fat ass everyone always thought you were. It hit me. Ed was right, when I die if I have any control over it I better look hot, and at least felt like I tried to succed a little bit in life, meet at least one goal, and suddenly the voice of reason slipped out slowly and Ed held me till I felt asleep.

My therapist would hate me for saying this seeing how I let her think she has "cured" this thought out of me, but if Ed hadn't found me when I was 11yr I wouldn't be here today, and if I was by some chance I would be very alone.

Sick isn't it? My company is the voice inside my head, but at least he sticks around unlike the rest of them.

with love,
~Ell

Deep breath...(really you don't have to read this)

So midterm over for this week, two more to go. I'm freaking as we blog ;) sitting in starbucks avoiding home, feeling completely irrational...I don't get it I'm just upset. Lets look at my intake maybe this will elude as to why?!
Breakfast:
coffe (8)
protein shake (100)
Lunch:
thai noodles (175) 
Dinner:
Jello (10)
Starbucks: skinny caramel soy mocchiato (140)

Total:
434 calories

Yes I realize this is fine, not great, but fine. It's just my workout...I thought I would be able to work off 1000 cal, but no I burt:
748 cals....That is nothing not even 800...I am just suck a fuc*ing fat *itch!!!!

I don't know what is going on why, i'm being irrational...at the gym I was down another lb from my post binge weight. I just...I'm overwhelmed a little depressed. College. makes me stressed. Life makes me stressed.
(I'm really sorry if you reading this)

This is how pathetic I am:
Nearly got slammed into by an suv who was drive irrationally fast almost hit me in the cross walk, literally cars were honking at her and the genius that she was she looked the opposite way that she was driving?!?
I literally could have hear her smacking her stupid gum! But you know what the first thought came to me was, "wow I'm going to die fat" the next thought (this i'm embarrassed to admit) "if she hit me I wouldn't have minded..."

Oh and yet instead of realizing how quick and fragile life is, I went back to sulking for missing two on my midterm...I know i'm f*ed up...

I just want perfection, happiness, surely this will get me there right?! In the 7th grade when I was this height 5'4'' (not growing in 6 years=pathetic) and almost 90lbs...I was happy elated even. sure my peers hated me...and the only time anyone talked to me was if they were asking me for diet tips (which I never gave) or making fun of me for my sheltered home life!? Before they threw me in prison  rehab...

I will be happy. confident. successful. thin.

On another note. I'm not sure if I believe in frienship, bff, friends, or any of those other lies...I think there only people who use you to make themselves feel better, popular, successful, and those that use you to help them do better in school/life/ect.

Now i realize not all friends are like this...but lets just say 99.8% (wow I'm being very grim, and fowl aren't I)

I'm sorry lovelies for the rant if you read it, I love you and if you didn't I love you all the same! This may be one of the few outlets that I feel free, and keeps me going.

I will look like THIS. I. Will. Be. Happy.

If i'm not following your blog leave me a comment. I do a lot of this from my phone so it make following  and seeing viewers difficult.

Be safe, take care,
with love,
~Ell