Life is interesting...sometimes its smooth sails. Boring at times, but enjoyable. Sometimes its an undertow that takes you without warning, and by the time the waves stop thrashing you crawl to the shore covered in salt, seaweed, hair in your face, exhilarated, chest-pounding, 10 miles from where you were headed to begin with. Hopefully when it is said and done your unshaken, but more often than not it leaves you dazed, inarticulate, and desperate to get your bearings before you take your next step.
I am not sure which part of the undertow I'm in, but I know I'm lost somewhere in the darkness of it. Glimpses of light, but the salt forcing my eyes shut before I can reorient and find my direction. So here I am waiting it out, again. Desperate for my next breath, and to wash up somewhere on the shore.
Currently, I'm back in the USA. Working at a hospital before my PhD program starts. I deferred for a year because the stipend wasn't as much as I was hoping. It's pretty defeating if I'm honest. Not the lack of funding, it is what is with that... but the feeling of free-falling into a depression just is so crippling. It hurts to be back here, alone, emotionally and physically, waiting for a good day...
It also hurts how familiar this all feels.
I keep focusing on trying to remember this isn't forever, but what if I don't make it out of this chasm again...what if October finds its way into March to repeat its self again...
I suppose I should take solace in that I'm not purging again...but I think its because things are so bad right now I don't even care
take care beautiful people. one way or another we will find the shore one day.
with love,
Ell
Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Home again home again...never again
i rarely post, and I make no apologies. I love you all but inconsistentcy is one of my biggest character deficiencies
...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.
It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....
Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.
That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.
I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...
I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...
Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...
with love,
~ell
...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.
It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....
Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.
That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.
I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...
I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...
Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...
with love,
~ell
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Dark and twisty
the darkness is heavy. The light is too much to bright to cheerful to...light. Everything hurts. The pain of being awake is almost more than I can handle. My mind doesn't shut off rather spins constantly as if making the loading hissing sound a mac book makes when it works to hard to load a page. The processor I believe is responsible for that right? Not sure.
But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the peripheral hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we are stuck, coaxed slowly petrifying in amber, becoming stills in a photo, in a moment, in our own life. Which do you see? The putrefying of comfort or the petrifying of change. It is a dichotomy I live in often, unable to decide one way or another perpetually stuck because momentum is requires movement or choice...and unable to allow myself to retire from the race all together, dreaming in my head, and self destructing on the outside...allows some semblance of balance while i avoid it all...the pain, the risk, myself... And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.
Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.
Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112
I hate this
With love,
Ell
But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the peripheral hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we are stuck, coaxed slowly petrifying in amber, becoming stills in a photo, in a moment, in our own life. Which do you see? The putrefying of comfort or the petrifying of change. It is a dichotomy I live in often, unable to decide one way or another perpetually stuck because momentum is requires movement or choice...and unable to allow myself to retire from the race all together, dreaming in my head, and self destructing on the outside...allows some semblance of balance while i avoid it all...the pain, the risk, myself... And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.
Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.
Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112
I hate this
With love,
Ell
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Monday, March 7, 2016
No words feel accurate
I don't really have to many words to convey what I'm feeling. I have always felt truly blessed. I have an amazing albeit slightly shaky family. I love them and they love me, but they are complicated and have each been through a lot in their own ways. Regardless I'm still blessed to have them.
I am even more blessed in my relationships outside my family. My love is truly my best friend. He works so hard for us. He calls me his team member proudly. We both work very hard to be the best we can be for each other, and his love is unconditional and his support is always there. I honestly don't know what my life would look like without him, but I know I never ever want that day to come. I am so loved, and I feel so so much love for him.
So how can with all this can I feel so down and scared. How can everyday be such a struggle. How can I keep struggling to take any semblance of care of myself?
I don't know it's not depression I don't think. Overwhelmed, sure. Anxiety, yes. Body image issues, definitely...depression not there yet. But I feel as if I'm on my way...and I so so fear being there again.
With love,
~ell
I am even more blessed in my relationships outside my family. My love is truly my best friend. He works so hard for us. He calls me his team member proudly. We both work very hard to be the best we can be for each other, and his love is unconditional and his support is always there. I honestly don't know what my life would look like without him, but I know I never ever want that day to come. I am so loved, and I feel so so much love for him.
So how can with all this can I feel so down and scared. How can everyday be such a struggle. How can I keep struggling to take any semblance of care of myself?
I don't know it's not depression I don't think. Overwhelmed, sure. Anxiety, yes. Body image issues, definitely...depression not there yet. But I feel as if I'm on my way...and I so so fear being there again.
With love,
~ell
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
wants...
I want to be desired...
I want to feel worthy of being desired...
I am loved and appreciated and valued...
But I want to be passionately pursued...
When he looks at me I want him to think,
"Damn how did I get so lucky? Of all the people in the world she choose me. Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did, but now she is here and I am not going to waste a second showing her how much I want her to be mine."
Stupid maybe, but that is how I feel about him...
I don't believe I love him more, I just think I desire him more...
And it hurts, but I also don't feel worthy of that much desire either...
Starting the master cleanse tomorrow and very much looking forward to it.
I'll update my thoughts on it later.
Also I am trying to find active blogs, people who post semi regularly. If any of you do just leave any old comment, a number, a letter, an emoji, anything and I would love to follow you back!
with love,
ell
I want to feel worthy of being desired...
I am loved and appreciated and valued...
But I want to be passionately pursued...
When he looks at me I want him to think,
"Damn how did I get so lucky? Of all the people in the world she choose me. Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did, but now she is here and I am not going to waste a second showing her how much I want her to be mine."
Stupid maybe, but that is how I feel about him...
I don't believe I love him more, I just think I desire him more...
And it hurts, but I also don't feel worthy of that much desire either...
Starting the master cleanse tomorrow and very much looking forward to it.
I'll update my thoughts on it later.
Also I am trying to find active blogs, people who post semi regularly. If any of you do just leave any old comment, a number, a letter, an emoji, anything and I would love to follow you back!
with love,
ell
Monday, June 1, 2015
Crave
Disclaimer: I am loved alot. More than I ever could deserve, but tonight this is where my thoughts are leading me to the haunted hallow void that I can't ever seem to run away from.
He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.
My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.
My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.
It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.
It is his.
He ran away.
He didn't want me.
The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.
My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.
She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.
All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.
He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.
I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.
I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.
I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....
Anxious?!
ME ANXIETY?
Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?
The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.
Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?
Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.
with love,
ell
He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.
My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.
My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.
It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.
It is his.
He ran away.
He didn't want me.
The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.
My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.
She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.
All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.
He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.
I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.
I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.
I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....
Anxious?!
ME ANXIETY?
Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?
The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.
Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?
Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.
with love,
ell
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....
Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...
I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.
Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.
My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.
She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.
I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.
I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.
It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.
I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.
And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.
But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....
so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.
It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.
The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.
So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.
with love,
~ell
I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.
Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.
My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.
She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.
I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.
I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.
It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.
I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.
And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.
But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....
so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.
It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.
The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.
So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.
with love,
~ell
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Residential and what not
Im out of treatment, residential was awful, php/iop was worse. yet here i am again. Not doing so well, and planning to lose more weight.
Where is the logic?
My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."
If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.
with love,
ell
Where is the logic?
My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."
If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.
with love,
ell
Monday, September 12, 2011
Hello!
Hi, so my life in a nutshell, I'm 19. I have a anorexia and bulimia, sometimes one more than the other. I used to have a blog, but deleted it to recover. I just need a fresh start, in life.
with love
This is my journey and for once this is for no one but me.
I really don't want to be self centered! I would help anyone, be a friend for anyone, and I'm hear if anyone needs me.
I love you and I don't know you! Someday I hope to love my self!
There will be a proper update about me and my stats soon!
with love
~ell
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)