Life is interesting...sometimes its smooth sails. Boring at times, but enjoyable. Sometimes its an undertow that takes you without warning, and by the time the waves stop thrashing you crawl to the shore covered in salt, seaweed, hair in your face, exhilarated, chest-pounding, 10 miles from where you were headed to begin with. Hopefully when it is said and done your unshaken, but more often than not it leaves you dazed, inarticulate, and desperate to get your bearings before you take your next step.
I am not sure which part of the undertow I'm in, but I know I'm lost somewhere in the darkness of it. Glimpses of light, but the salt forcing my eyes shut before I can reorient and find my direction. So here I am waiting it out, again. Desperate for my next breath, and to wash up somewhere on the shore.
Currently, I'm back in the USA. Working at a hospital before my PhD program starts. I deferred for a year because the stipend wasn't as much as I was hoping. It's pretty defeating if I'm honest. Not the lack of funding, it is what is with that... but the feeling of free-falling into a depression just is so crippling. It hurts to be back here, alone, emotionally and physically, waiting for a good day...
It also hurts how familiar this all feels.
I keep focusing on trying to remember this isn't forever, but what if I don't make it out of this chasm again...what if October finds its way into March to repeat its self again...
I suppose I should take solace in that I'm not purging again...but I think its because things are so bad right now I don't even care
take care beautiful people. one way or another we will find the shore one day.
with love,
Ell
Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Dark and twisty
the darkness is heavy. The light is too much to bright to cheerful to...light. Everything hurts. The pain of being awake is almost more than I can handle. My mind doesn't shut off rather spins constantly as if making the loading hissing sound a mac book makes when it works to hard to load a page. The processor I believe is responsible for that right? Not sure.
But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the peripheral hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we are stuck, coaxed slowly petrifying in amber, becoming stills in a photo, in a moment, in our own life. Which do you see? The putrefying of comfort or the petrifying of change. It is a dichotomy I live in often, unable to decide one way or another perpetually stuck because momentum is requires movement or choice...and unable to allow myself to retire from the race all together, dreaming in my head, and self destructing on the outside...allows some semblance of balance while i avoid it all...the pain, the risk, myself... And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.
Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.
Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112
I hate this
With love,
Ell
But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the peripheral hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we are stuck, coaxed slowly petrifying in amber, becoming stills in a photo, in a moment, in our own life. Which do you see? The putrefying of comfort or the petrifying of change. It is a dichotomy I live in often, unable to decide one way or another perpetually stuck because momentum is requires movement or choice...and unable to allow myself to retire from the race all together, dreaming in my head, and self destructing on the outside...allows some semblance of balance while i avoid it all...the pain, the risk, myself... And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.
Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.
Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112
I hate this
With love,
Ell
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
recovery....quasi recovery....not recovered at all
Today one of my good friends messaged me. We met in treatment a few years ago. She proceeded to tell me how great her relationship with food and exercise had become, and that she was finally accepting herself. I couldn't have been more happy for her...only till we started really talking did I see she was completely deluding her self.
Recovery is not counting every bite you take, it is not constantly trying to manipulate your body to a lower weight than it naturally rests at, it is not eating one piece of chocolate and running and doing leg lifts to make up for being "care-free" and "indulging."
I am no where near perfect recovery. Not even a little bit. Almost half of all my thoughts (if not more) revolve around food and my body image. I have a running total of calories in my head at any given moment not just from what I am eating, but what others around me are eating. But the difference between my friend and I, is tragically simple.
She believes these thoughts and behaviors are perfectly normal, and that even more this will be apart of a healthy recovered lifestyle, at best this is what they call quasi recovery.
I know I toe a very delicate line of quasi recovery and full on relapse. I hate it. I challenge my self, battle myself every single day. I panic about the future and if this is the life I will lead forever because this is not a fulfilling life I want.
I want to replace the running total of calories in my head with research ideas, replaying my favorite adagios for strings, quotes from documentaries, dreams for what I will eventually achieve, and most importantly I want to love myself for the beautiful creation God made me to be.
So if you like my friend believe yourself to be in recovery ask yourself this: what are your thoughts obsessing over most of the day? When was the last time you appreciated your body for the way it looks, and what it does for you on a daily basis? Do you have to compensate when you deviate from your meal plan or do you just embrace food as one of life's simple (okay not so simple 99.9% of the time) pleasures? Are you actively trying to change your body or do you exercise with a respectful attitude towards yourself and health?
Now last question: Do you want to be living and believing these same things about yourself ten years from now?
Okay I lied one more: If you have a daughter and she felt the exact same way you feel about yourself on a daily basis would it break your heart or would you be proud of her for loving and respecting herself?
So challenge yourself with one tiny thing today. Embrace change, and fight like hell because this self-deprecating mockery of a life is not a life but a prison and isn't what you deserve.
with love,
~ell
Recovery is not counting every bite you take, it is not constantly trying to manipulate your body to a lower weight than it naturally rests at, it is not eating one piece of chocolate and running and doing leg lifts to make up for being "care-free" and "indulging."
I am no where near perfect recovery. Not even a little bit. Almost half of all my thoughts (if not more) revolve around food and my body image. I have a running total of calories in my head at any given moment not just from what I am eating, but what others around me are eating. But the difference between my friend and I, is tragically simple.
She believes these thoughts and behaviors are perfectly normal, and that even more this will be apart of a healthy recovered lifestyle, at best this is what they call quasi recovery.
I know I toe a very delicate line of quasi recovery and full on relapse. I hate it. I challenge my self, battle myself every single day. I panic about the future and if this is the life I will lead forever because this is not a fulfilling life I want.
I want to replace the running total of calories in my head with research ideas, replaying my favorite adagios for strings, quotes from documentaries, dreams for what I will eventually achieve, and most importantly I want to love myself for the beautiful creation God made me to be.
So if you like my friend believe yourself to be in recovery ask yourself this: what are your thoughts obsessing over most of the day? When was the last time you appreciated your body for the way it looks, and what it does for you on a daily basis? Do you have to compensate when you deviate from your meal plan or do you just embrace food as one of life's simple (okay not so simple 99.9% of the time) pleasures? Are you actively trying to change your body or do you exercise with a respectful attitude towards yourself and health?
Now last question: Do you want to be living and believing these same things about yourself ten years from now?
Okay I lied one more: If you have a daughter and she felt the exact same way you feel about yourself on a daily basis would it break your heart or would you be proud of her for loving and respecting herself?
So challenge yourself with one tiny thing today. Embrace change, and fight like hell because this self-deprecating mockery of a life is not a life but a prison and isn't what you deserve.
with love,
~ell
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
The most rambling post that you will ever read
Everything stresses you out. Getting dressed in the morning is so overwhelming. Nothing fits. It all looks horrible on you which is ironic, because when you bought it everyone told you how great it looked, and let's be honest you asked at least 3 different people. Shopping is its own rant entirely, because yes you know exactly what you want, it may even be a great deal, but the sheer thought of how it looks on you...what if it accentuates your thighs or curves or makes your arms look bigger, what if it looks great? And then how can that be possible because your are size 2, 26 waist and all of you is to much.
You flutter between 120's and sometimes on a bad bad day you creep all the way up to 130 again...so how can anything look good on me...I used to be a lovely weight, and I also used to be a sickly weight. I don't want to be sickly again.
My dietician and therapist agree and say the lowest for my height they would consider safe is 117...I don't know that still seems...I just feel at 115 I would feel a lot more safe and more comfortable...I mean honestly I am not even supposed to know my weight, or my targets. That was the plan to give me 'comfort' and 'freedom' after therapy...More like send me into a full blown panic... But most of my goals and coping mechanisms I decided on in treatment have fallen by the way side....so yes I keep digressing and jumping around but it will continue...
I have my first therapy session next week, and its been a while. So maybe just maybe things will be okay...I just have to survive my family trip to Washington D.C....
It's intimidating the idea alone. I am not sure how I will handle the trip honestly. I love my family, but they are going through a lot...They are a continual emotion roller coster. They hurt one another unintentionally most of the time, my mom is excited which is great she hasn't seemed this happy about anything in a long time. I am rooming with my sister which scares me....
She is a sweet caring and wonderful person to everyone, but me. I don't know why she just seems so put out with me most of the time. I mean I am older than her, and I feel like I am the one not good enough to be around....
And I am just idk I hate being in photos, and it will be photo central...
Why can't I just be excited...I am actually only taking comfort in the fact that they will have a gym, and my parents will not want to go out and eat that often so that will be perfect for being able to not worry so much about eating so I won't feel as much pressure to purge hopefully.
I hate purging, it makes me feel drained and unable to focus, it hurts me, it hurts my loved ones, it controls what I can and cannot do sometimes trying to find
I really am stressed...I just want it to go well, I don't want to hurt or dissapoint any one...Food is becoming hard, and challenging. I hate dealing with this. I hate running and working out, and running some more, then eating a normal (honestly less than normal most of the time) meal plan and then feeling anxiety.
Being home is proving to be more stressful than school....I just don't want to slide, I don't want to start purging 3-4 times a day every day again. I don't want to end up back in treatment. I am just...I am lost...
Thoughts?
with love,
ell
breathing...
I am breathing...
I am here...
I feel inadequate...
I feel like a disappointment....
I feel afraid...
I honestly feel like I should be better. I want to be good enough. I never feel like I am enough. I can do better. I will do better. Everyone in my life deserves better for me.
with love,
Ell
I am here...
I feel inadequate...
I feel like a disappointment....
I feel afraid...
I honestly feel like I should be better. I want to be good enough. I never feel like I am enough. I can do better. I will do better. Everyone in my life deserves better for me.
with love,
Ell
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