undertow

Life is interesting...sometimes its smooth sails. Boring at times, but enjoyable. Sometimes its an undertow that takes you without warning, and by the time the waves stop thrashing you crawl to the shore covered in salt, seaweed, hair in your face, exhilarated, chest-pounding, 10 miles from where you were headed to begin with. Hopefully when it is said and done your unshaken, but more often than not it leaves you dazed, inarticulate, and desperate to get your bearings before you take your next step. 


I am not sure which part of the undertow I'm in, but I know I'm lost somewhere in the darkness of it. Glimpses of light, but the salt forcing my eyes shut before I can reorient and find my direction. So here I am waiting it out, again. Desperate for my next breath, and to wash up somewhere on the shore.

Currently, I'm back in the USA. Working at a hospital before my PhD program starts. I deferred for a year because the stipend wasn't as much as I was hoping. It's pretty defeating if I'm honest. Not the lack of funding, it is what is with that... but the feeling of free-falling into a depression just is so crippling. It hurts to be back here, alone, emotionally and physically, waiting for a good day...

It also hurts how familiar this all feels. 

I keep focusing on trying to remember this isn't forever, but what if I don't make it out of this chasm again...what if October finds its way into March to repeat its self again...


I suppose I should take solace in that I'm not purging again...but I think its because things are so bad right now I don't even care 

take care beautiful people. one way or another we will find the shore one day.

with love, 
Ell

low hanging fog...

So been in living in England this summer, and it's funny how even in a bustling city people are pretty much the same everywhere. Pre-pubescent teens holding their arms across their stomach with a death grip to rival that of an alcoholic holding on to a handle of cheap whiskey, old men hunched over reading papers trying to make idle conversation with a barista who is far from interested, mom's trying to look like their nerves aren't frazzled as they walk/run after their children shhhhing with each tired step at their innocent yet awnrey squeals...nothing really changes it seems, except the postcode.

I suppose it shouldn't be surprised that is a shared experience I find for myself. Depression...hanging heavy and doesn't seem to be any blustering winds sweeping down the plains to remove it. 

Master's is almost done in other news, and my advisor likes my PhD thesis...that is great. To be honest, I didn't picture myself here, I am surprised I made it this far. I just wish I had enough.. or maybe less...something whatever it is to enjoy it. 

Food has gone back to shit. So really no recovery there right now I am sad to report after having done really for over 100 days straight since my birthday. 

I'm not sure what needs to change, but I really hope whatever needs to does because I am so so tired of this. So tired and so so lonely.

Anyways packing for Edinburgh now, and if anyone is ever wondering is it worth it to visit Scotland... yes, 10/10...the highland hiking, the whiskey, the castle, it is incredibly brooding and romantic and I am so excited to be going back.

I bet you didn't know you would be getting a side of travel advice with the usual depressive ramblings. 

with love,
~ell

Home again home again...never again

i rarely post, and I make no apologies. I love you all but inconsistentcy is one of my biggest character deficiencies

...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.

It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....

Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.

That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.

I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...

I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...

Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...


with love,
~ell

tired

tired.

No words feel accurate

I don't really have to many words to convey what I'm feeling. I have always felt truly blessed. I have an amazing albeit slightly shaky family. I love them and they love me, but they are complicated and have each been through a lot in their own ways. Regardless I'm still blessed to have them.

I am even more blessed in my relationships outside my family. My love is truly my best friend. He works so hard for us. He calls me his team member proudly. We both work very hard to be the best we can be for each other, and his love is unconditional and his support is always there. I honestly don't know what my life would look like without him, but I know I never ever want that day to come. I am so loved, and I feel so so much love for him.

So how can with all this can I feel so down and scared. How can everyday be such a struggle. How can I keep struggling to take any semblance of care of myself?

I don't know it's not depression I don't think. Overwhelmed, sure. Anxiety, yes. Body image issues, definitely...depression not there yet. But I feel as if I'm on my way...and I so so fear being there again.

With love,
~ell

the best news (entirely and completely sarcasm)

The best news! My depression his setting record lows and I cannot seem to break the vicious cycle that is on repeat in my head.

It doesn't help that something I wanted so much, needed even completely fell through. Even though I did handle it gracefully in the moment (or at least the best I could given what a huge wave of disappointment I was drowning in) I was met with only criticism and even a bit of projected anger for their own mistake.

Making me defensive, but yet I am the one who was attacking and lashing out. I never realized how much I crave the approval and accreditation from others until I consistently don't get it from someone.

I try so very hard to be enough, to behave the way they want, to be independent, but even when I am nailing it flawlessly for days the next mistake I make is the first comment I receive on my behavior.

Oh but if I try to be that critical of anyone else's behavior it is me attacking them, or not being understanding, or me not caring at all.

Not to say I am not grateful for the many relationships I have in my life, but geez sometimes I just need them to quit caring about telling me how wrong I am and just give me some credit for the other 99 things I get right.

On top of all those feelings. I just had a fight with my mother, and I now have zero desire for Christmas.

Sorry for ranting, sorry I wasn't more uplifting. But I do want to say thank everyone who reads this. Thank you for being you and for trying your hardest, even if you fail, because you are enough.

with love,
~ell

I want to matter

I want to matter...
in my relationships
in my field
in my own eyes

I want people to consider my thoughts, my concerns, my desires, and my vision. I am not saying blindly agree, but just really felt considered.

Something that is resonating with me lately is how can anyone consider me, if I will not even consider myself.

I cannot self destruct like a ticking time bomb and then wonder why no one came to me for council.

I am not saying I started loving myself overnight, or that it even got easier but I am saying I can see where I should be heading in terms of self acceptance, or maybe its just more motivation towards self acceptance.

with love,
~ell

Thoughts...

My head spins so fast sometimes...I feel this inexplicable throbbing in my chest saying I am not doing enough, not getting enough done. It taunts saying your not fooling anyone, no one believes you, and we are all just waiting for this facade glass house to crash so they can leave while I am left to my rubble of what I wanted to be, but never really was.

Working out has been hard. The motivation isn't there like it used to be. I think its because I am afraid to run outside, so I am confined to my parents dark house.

Honestly everything has been a little hard. Thinking, managing my anxiety, being responsible in general.

I am just so ready to be away from my parents house. School to start, have somewhere I have to be, someone who loves me every day by my side, even if he is angry with me... I just want to be happy and not here.

I wish my life was on a different path, but wishes don't pay bills, or make day dreams reality. They are just pointless thoughts if you don't have ambition, and its not like I don't... I really do have ambition, I just don't see many possibilities of it becoming a reality.

So I feel trapped, trapped in my head, trapped in my home, trapped in my life...

At the  same time I feel hopeful, I hope it won't always be this way...it can't right?

with love,
~ell

wants...

I want to be desired...

I want to feel worthy of being desired...

I am loved and appreciated and valued...

But I want to be passionately pursued...

When he looks at me I want him to think,
"Damn how did I get so lucky? Of all the people in the world she choose me. Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did, but now she is here and I am not going to waste a second showing her how much I want her to be mine."

Stupid maybe, but that is how I feel about him...

I don't believe I love him more, I just think I desire him more...

And it hurts, but I also don't feel worthy of that much desire either...

Starting the master cleanse tomorrow and very much looking forward to it.
I'll update my thoughts on it later.

Also I am trying to find active blogs, people who post semi regularly. If any of you do just leave any old comment, a number, a letter, an emoji, anything and I would love to follow you back!

with love,
ell

Crave

Disclaimer: I am loved alot. More than I ever could deserve, but tonight this is where my thoughts are leading me to the haunted hallow void that I can't ever seem to run away from.

He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.

My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.

My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.

It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.

It is his.

He ran away.

He didn't want me.

The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.

My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.

She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.

All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.

He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.

I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.

I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.

I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....

Anxious?!

ME ANXIETY?

Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?

The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.

Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?

Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.

with love,
ell

The most rambling post that you will ever read

Everything stresses you out. Getting dressed in the morning is so overwhelming. Nothing fits. It all looks horrible on you which is ironic, because when you bought it everyone told you how great it looked, and let's be honest you asked at least 3 different people. Shopping is its own rant entirely, because yes you know exactly what you want, it may even be a great deal, but the sheer thought of how it looks on you...what if it accentuates your thighs or curves or makes your arms look bigger, what if it looks great? And then how can that be possible because your are size 2, 26 waist and all of you is to much. 

You flutter between 120's and sometimes on a bad bad day you creep all the way up to 130 again...so how can anything look good on me...I used to be a lovely weight, and I also used to be a sickly weight. I don't want to be sickly again. 

My dietician and therapist agree and say the lowest for my height they would consider safe is 117...I don't know that still seems...I just feel at 115 I would feel a lot more safe and more comfortable...I mean honestly I am not even supposed to know my weight, or my targets. That was the plan to give me 'comfort' and 'freedom' after therapy...More like send me into a full blown panic... But most of my goals and coping mechanisms I decided on in treatment have fallen by the way side....so yes I keep digressing and jumping around but it will continue...

 I have my first therapy session next week, and its been a while. So maybe just maybe things will be okay...I just have to survive my family trip to Washington D.C....

It's intimidating the idea alone. I am not sure how I will handle the trip honestly. I love my family, but they are going through a lot...They are a continual emotion roller coster. They hurt one another unintentionally most of the time, my mom is excited which is great she hasn't seemed this happy about anything in a long time. I am rooming with my sister which scares me....

She is a sweet caring and wonderful person to everyone, but me. I don't know why she just seems so put out with me most of the time. I mean I am older than her, and I feel like I am the one not good enough to be around....

And I am just idk I hate being in photos, and it will be photo central...

Why can't I just be excited...I am actually only taking comfort in the fact that they will have a gym, and my parents will not want to go out and eat that often so that will be perfect for being able to not worry so much about eating so I won't feel as much pressure to purge hopefully.   

I hate purging, it makes me feel drained and unable to focus, it hurts me, it hurts my loved ones, it controls what I can and cannot do sometimes trying to find 

I really am stressed...I just want it to go well, I don't want to hurt or dissapoint any one...Food is becoming hard, and challenging. I hate dealing with this. I hate running and working out, and running some more, then eating a normal (honestly less than normal most of the time) meal plan and then feeling anxiety. 

Being home is proving to be more stressful than school....I just don't want to slide, I don't want to start purging 3-4 times a day every day again. I don't want to end up back in treatment. I am just...I am lost...

Thoughts?

with love, 

ell

Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....

Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...

I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.

Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.

My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.

She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.

I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.

I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.

It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.

I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.

And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.

But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....

so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.

It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.

The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.

So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.

with love,
~ell

Residential and what not

Im out of treatment, residential was awful, php/iop was worse. yet here i am again. Not doing so well, and planning to lose more weight.
Where is the logic?

My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."

If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.

with love,
ell

I'm back!

Hello lovelies sorry for the long absence I mean sure I posted a little hear and there but I have not really been here. My mind has wondered continually for a while trying to decide what it really want I think. Here is what it came up with to be stronger in my faith, studious and smart,complete my half marathon, be brave, self disciplined, and of course with out question thin.

I just want to fake care of myself, be healthy (sort of) with respect to well balanced days that will probably always be a low in calories, keep up with my supplements just work on myself.

Yesterday I started my half marathon training went well got in 6.2 miles or 10k. Which is good but I have long way to go seeing how a marathon is 13.1 miles or a little more than 21k. I love running it is just one of those things that make helps me feel free.

School starts in 9 days, I'm nervous and excited. I'm taking calc so it will require lots of studdying which I enjoy so it shouldn't be to bad, just anxious and afraid I suppose.

I think I'm more afraid that I will slip back into old havbbits of not taking the time to run, procrastinating my studies, and just become all the qualities I hate about my self.

I know it's cliche and obviously impossible but I want perfection or at least the best me I can possibly be in all aspects of life.

Now thar I have bored you to physical mind numbing pain how was your holiday? My Christmas went swimmingly!
I got some luckys which were a 27/32 which is around a size 2/4 that alone motivsted the heck out of me.
I also received an iPad and yes you may have guessed it I am an apple geek!
And then I got this amazon watch I think you will all be interested in!

It's made by Polar and it's a heart rate monitor! It tells you how many cals you burn, what heart rate you need to maintain to lose weight, the percentage of calories you burned that came from your fat stores rather than glycogen! It's rather amazing you enter in your stats, take a test, and then it gives you weekly goals to help you achieve either weight loss, cardio improvement, or overall endurance enhancement! You just pick your plan! Then if you meet your weekly targets for time and caloric burn you get a trophy at the end of the week! It also sends you a little letter to your watch that tells you if you did great, need to work harder ect!

I love it and it keeps me motivated because I want those tropheys!
It's called the:
Polar FT60 Heart Rate Monitor

Anyway can't wait to here how your holidays went! IRS good to be back!
With love
~Ell