Home again home again...never again

i rarely post, and I make no apologies. I love you all but inconsistentcy is one of my biggest character deficiencies

...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.

It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....

Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.

That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.

I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...

I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...

Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...


with love,
~ell

Through all things we are loved

I am so thankful for grace and Christ's love. Through the spinning through the pain. Christ is love. We may not be protected from the consequences of our actions but we are saved from the condemnation. So thankful today

tired

tired.

No words feel accurate

I don't really have to many words to convey what I'm feeling. I have always felt truly blessed. I have an amazing albeit slightly shaky family. I love them and they love me, but they are complicated and have each been through a lot in their own ways. Regardless I'm still blessed to have them.

I am even more blessed in my relationships outside my family. My love is truly my best friend. He works so hard for us. He calls me his team member proudly. We both work very hard to be the best we can be for each other, and his love is unconditional and his support is always there. I honestly don't know what my life would look like without him, but I know I never ever want that day to come. I am so loved, and I feel so so much love for him.

So how can with all this can I feel so down and scared. How can everyday be such a struggle. How can I keep struggling to take any semblance of care of myself?

I don't know it's not depression I don't think. Overwhelmed, sure. Anxiety, yes. Body image issues, definitely...depression not there yet. But I feel as if I'm on my way...and I so so fear being there again.

With love,
~ell

The most rambling post that you will ever read

Everything stresses you out. Getting dressed in the morning is so overwhelming. Nothing fits. It all looks horrible on you which is ironic, because when you bought it everyone told you how great it looked, and let's be honest you asked at least 3 different people. Shopping is its own rant entirely, because yes you know exactly what you want, it may even be a great deal, but the sheer thought of how it looks on you...what if it accentuates your thighs or curves or makes your arms look bigger, what if it looks great? And then how can that be possible because your are size 2, 26 waist and all of you is to much. 

You flutter between 120's and sometimes on a bad bad day you creep all the way up to 130 again...so how can anything look good on me...I used to be a lovely weight, and I also used to be a sickly weight. I don't want to be sickly again. 

My dietician and therapist agree and say the lowest for my height they would consider safe is 117...I don't know that still seems...I just feel at 115 I would feel a lot more safe and more comfortable...I mean honestly I am not even supposed to know my weight, or my targets. That was the plan to give me 'comfort' and 'freedom' after therapy...More like send me into a full blown panic... But most of my goals and coping mechanisms I decided on in treatment have fallen by the way side....so yes I keep digressing and jumping around but it will continue...

 I have my first therapy session next week, and its been a while. So maybe just maybe things will be okay...I just have to survive my family trip to Washington D.C....

It's intimidating the idea alone. I am not sure how I will handle the trip honestly. I love my family, but they are going through a lot...They are a continual emotion roller coster. They hurt one another unintentionally most of the time, my mom is excited which is great she hasn't seemed this happy about anything in a long time. I am rooming with my sister which scares me....

She is a sweet caring and wonderful person to everyone, but me. I don't know why she just seems so put out with me most of the time. I mean I am older than her, and I feel like I am the one not good enough to be around....

And I am just idk I hate being in photos, and it will be photo central...

Why can't I just be excited...I am actually only taking comfort in the fact that they will have a gym, and my parents will not want to go out and eat that often so that will be perfect for being able to not worry so much about eating so I won't feel as much pressure to purge hopefully.   

I hate purging, it makes me feel drained and unable to focus, it hurts me, it hurts my loved ones, it controls what I can and cannot do sometimes trying to find 

I really am stressed...I just want it to go well, I don't want to hurt or dissapoint any one...Food is becoming hard, and challenging. I hate dealing with this. I hate running and working out, and running some more, then eating a normal (honestly less than normal most of the time) meal plan and then feeling anxiety. 

Being home is proving to be more stressful than school....I just don't want to slide, I don't want to start purging 3-4 times a day every day again. I don't want to end up back in treatment. I am just...I am lost...

Thoughts?

with love, 

ell

Residential and what not

Im out of treatment, residential was awful, php/iop was worse. yet here i am again. Not doing so well, and planning to lose more weight.
Where is the logic?

My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."

If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.

with love,
ell

I'm back!

Hello lovelies sorry for the long absence I mean sure I posted a little hear and there but I have not really been here. My mind has wondered continually for a while trying to decide what it really want I think. Here is what it came up with to be stronger in my faith, studious and smart,complete my half marathon, be brave, self disciplined, and of course with out question thin.

I just want to fake care of myself, be healthy (sort of) with respect to well balanced days that will probably always be a low in calories, keep up with my supplements just work on myself.

Yesterday I started my half marathon training went well got in 6.2 miles or 10k. Which is good but I have long way to go seeing how a marathon is 13.1 miles or a little more than 21k. I love running it is just one of those things that make helps me feel free.

School starts in 9 days, I'm nervous and excited. I'm taking calc so it will require lots of studdying which I enjoy so it shouldn't be to bad, just anxious and afraid I suppose.

I think I'm more afraid that I will slip back into old havbbits of not taking the time to run, procrastinating my studies, and just become all the qualities I hate about my self.

I know it's cliche and obviously impossible but I want perfection or at least the best me I can possibly be in all aspects of life.

Now thar I have bored you to physical mind numbing pain how was your holiday? My Christmas went swimmingly!
I got some luckys which were a 27/32 which is around a size 2/4 that alone motivsted the heck out of me.
I also received an iPad and yes you may have guessed it I am an apple geek!
And then I got this amazon watch I think you will all be interested in!

It's made by Polar and it's a heart rate monitor! It tells you how many cals you burn, what heart rate you need to maintain to lose weight, the percentage of calories you burned that came from your fat stores rather than glycogen! It's rather amazing you enter in your stats, take a test, and then it gives you weekly goals to help you achieve either weight loss, cardio improvement, or overall endurance enhancement! You just pick your plan! Then if you meet your weekly targets for time and caloric burn you get a trophy at the end of the week! It also sends you a little letter to your watch that tells you if you did great, need to work harder ect!

I love it and it keeps me motivated because I want those tropheys!
It's called the:
Polar FT60 Heart Rate Monitor

Anyway can't wait to here how your holidays went! IRS good to be back!
With love
~Ell