Home again home again...never again

i rarely post, and I make no apologies. I love you all but inconsistentcy is one of my biggest character deficiencies

...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.

It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....

Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.

That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.

I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...

I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...

Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...


with love,
~ell

Dark and twisty

the darkness is heavy. The light is too much to bright to cheerful to...light. Everything hurts. The pain of being awake is almost more than I can handle. My mind doesn't shut off rather spins constantly as if making the loading hissing sound a mac book makes when it works to hard to load a page. The processor I believe is responsible for that right? Not sure.

But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the peripheral hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we are stuck, coaxed slowly petrifying in amber, becoming stills in a photo, in a moment, in our own life. Which do you see? The putrefying of comfort or the petrifying of change. It is a dichotomy I live in often, unable to decide one way or another perpetually stuck because momentum is requires movement or choice...and unable to allow myself to retire from the race all together, dreaming in my head, and self destructing on the outside...allows some semblance of  balance while i avoid it all...the pain, the risk, myself... And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.

Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.

Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112

I hate this

With love,
Ell

Through all things we are loved

I am so thankful for grace and Christ's love. Through the spinning through the pain. Christ is love. We may not be protected from the consequences of our actions but we are saved from the condemnation. So thankful today

Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....

Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...

I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.

Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.

My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.

She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.

I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.

I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.

It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.

I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.

And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.

But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....

so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.

It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.

The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.

So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.

with love,
~ell

Will I crush it before it Crushes me?

I have so much on my heart and my mind. I am constantly battling my healthy self vs. my eating disordered self every meal, every minute alone, every thought is somehow tied to either avoiding screwing up, how to rectify a situation if I do screw up, what is the healthiest choice, is the healthy choice really healthy or is that my eating disorder trying to convince me it is the healthy choice.

I wish my eating disorder wasn't so loud, I wish it was easy to see it as a bad habit needing to be changed, and if it wasn't for the severity of it, the fact life does revolve around nutrition so it is unavoidable, and the seriousness of the consequences that result from the eating disorder I might see it that way. But in some ways that seems like I am taking the matter lightly, and I know myself if I see something as less than pressing it will not get accomplished. So right now just as my eating disorder consumes my every thought I have to try and make my recovered balanced voice become just as prevalent and loud if not louder.

It is just scary right now. I am afraid. I am in a fragile state that honestly feels temporary. I am just working on making it permanent, but I think knowing how easy it is to fail is what makes it feel so fleeting.

And truth be told the small amount of behaviors I am abstaining from is nowhere close to where I should be, where I need to be. I just don't want to go back to prison treatment.

Treatment

Again

Two scary scary words...hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!

with love,
~ell

Losing again...

Today has been productive and finally I feel like I am on my way to getting things the way they need to be. Finished a paper, deep cleaned my whole apartment, we are talking bleached the grout, scrubbed the trim deep clean.it feels and looks so much better!

Now only to read 6 chapters by Friday...I hate when I procrastinate. But it must be done

In food news yesterday was terrible, I actually consumed my treatment like meal plan, but it felt so wrong and terrible like everything in my body was saying no you can't do this to me. So I took some laxatives and purged what I could and will make up for it in exercise during my 3 hour break from classes today.  

I did end up losing 2lbs which was really nice, but still feel that gross food feeling.

Two things I'm wondering if anyone is even interested in, I was thinking about posting a pic of vmy weight/progress pic at on march1st, and also possibly doing some YouTube videos... I have been watching a lot of Lilly Lucy's videos and granted she has a fantastic accent which only makes it that much more amazing her videos are great!  so if anyone thinks either of those might be of interest or help please let me know?

Also the videos would probably be mostly about my workouts, food diary, treatment, daily life stuff etc.  or anything else anyone wanted.

Okay back to being productive. Does anyone else think that living off of coffee is easier than living off water...coffee seems so much more filling sometimes.


With love,
ell

Residential and what not

Im out of treatment, residential was awful, php/iop was worse. yet here i am again. Not doing so well, and planning to lose more weight.
Where is the logic?

My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."

If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.

with love,
ell

I'm back!

Hello lovelies sorry for the long absence I mean sure I posted a little hear and there but I have not really been here. My mind has wondered continually for a while trying to decide what it really want I think. Here is what it came up with to be stronger in my faith, studious and smart,complete my half marathon, be brave, self disciplined, and of course with out question thin.

I just want to fake care of myself, be healthy (sort of) with respect to well balanced days that will probably always be a low in calories, keep up with my supplements just work on myself.

Yesterday I started my half marathon training went well got in 6.2 miles or 10k. Which is good but I have long way to go seeing how a marathon is 13.1 miles or a little more than 21k. I love running it is just one of those things that make helps me feel free.

School starts in 9 days, I'm nervous and excited. I'm taking calc so it will require lots of studdying which I enjoy so it shouldn't be to bad, just anxious and afraid I suppose.

I think I'm more afraid that I will slip back into old havbbits of not taking the time to run, procrastinating my studies, and just become all the qualities I hate about my self.

I know it's cliche and obviously impossible but I want perfection or at least the best me I can possibly be in all aspects of life.

Now thar I have bored you to physical mind numbing pain how was your holiday? My Christmas went swimmingly!
I got some luckys which were a 27/32 which is around a size 2/4 that alone motivsted the heck out of me.
I also received an iPad and yes you may have guessed it I am an apple geek!
And then I got this amazon watch I think you will all be interested in!

It's made by Polar and it's a heart rate monitor! It tells you how many cals you burn, what heart rate you need to maintain to lose weight, the percentage of calories you burned that came from your fat stores rather than glycogen! It's rather amazing you enter in your stats, take a test, and then it gives you weekly goals to help you achieve either weight loss, cardio improvement, or overall endurance enhancement! You just pick your plan! Then if you meet your weekly targets for time and caloric burn you get a trophy at the end of the week! It also sends you a little letter to your watch that tells you if you did great, need to work harder ect!

I love it and it keeps me motivated because I want those tropheys!
It's called the:
Polar FT60 Heart Rate Monitor

Anyway can't wait to here how your holidays went! IRS good to be back!
With love
~Ell

Deep breath...(really you don't have to read this)

So midterm over for this week, two more to go. I'm freaking as we blog ;) sitting in starbucks avoiding home, feeling completely irrational...I don't get it I'm just upset. Lets look at my intake maybe this will elude as to why?!
Breakfast:
coffe (8)
protein shake (100)
Lunch:
thai noodles (175) 
Dinner:
Jello (10)
Starbucks: skinny caramel soy mocchiato (140)

Total:
434 calories

Yes I realize this is fine, not great, but fine. It's just my workout...I thought I would be able to work off 1000 cal, but no I burt:
748 cals....That is nothing not even 800...I am just suck a fuc*ing fat *itch!!!!

I don't know what is going on why, i'm being irrational...at the gym I was down another lb from my post binge weight. I just...I'm overwhelmed a little depressed. College. makes me stressed. Life makes me stressed.
(I'm really sorry if you reading this)

This is how pathetic I am:
Nearly got slammed into by an suv who was drive irrationally fast almost hit me in the cross walk, literally cars were honking at her and the genius that she was she looked the opposite way that she was driving?!?
I literally could have hear her smacking her stupid gum! But you know what the first thought came to me was, "wow I'm going to die fat" the next thought (this i'm embarrassed to admit) "if she hit me I wouldn't have minded..."

Oh and yet instead of realizing how quick and fragile life is, I went back to sulking for missing two on my midterm...I know i'm f*ed up...

I just want perfection, happiness, surely this will get me there right?! In the 7th grade when I was this height 5'4'' (not growing in 6 years=pathetic) and almost 90lbs...I was happy elated even. sure my peers hated me...and the only time anyone talked to me was if they were asking me for diet tips (which I never gave) or making fun of me for my sheltered home life!? Before they threw me in prison  rehab...

I will be happy. confident. successful. thin.

On another note. I'm not sure if I believe in frienship, bff, friends, or any of those other lies...I think there only people who use you to make themselves feel better, popular, successful, and those that use you to help them do better in school/life/ect.

Now i realize not all friends are like this...but lets just say 99.8% (wow I'm being very grim, and fowl aren't I)

I'm sorry lovelies for the rant if you read it, I love you and if you didn't I love you all the same! This may be one of the few outlets that I feel free, and keeps me going.

I will look like THIS. I. Will. Be. Happy.

If i'm not following your blog leave me a comment. I do a lot of this from my phone so it make following  and seeing viewers difficult.

Be safe, take care,
with love,
~Ell

well down 3bls...but aching all over (warning rant)

So I am down 3 lbs. I will post my stats in two weeks, mainly because I want to do some before and after stuff and give my blog a make over and I don't want to have to erase it all and do it again. So wow I have had a crazy week.

4 quizes
1 nutrion test
1 midterm
next week
 I have another project due
A paper
10 discussion posts due
1 anatomy midterm
1 speech and lang midterm

Now you may understand why I have been missing in action. I am stressed to the max i upped my cals to 800 thinking that would help me concentrate and so far no improvement. I am stressed to the point of tears, convolsive crying, and or flinging my self off the steps (not exactly a big jump, but i'm just plane desperate). I hate, hate, hate hate my body, my looks. I hate being so over whelmed I don't go to the gym or work out. I hate my inability to focus and concentrate. I hate that I procrastinate (like I am doing now).

I love you all, be back whenever I can. Oh btw I have been reading all of my followers blogs, a couple of them from their first post to their most current (procrastinating). If you want me to follow your blog just leave me comment and I would be happy to :)

how I feel: except huge

with love,
~ Ell