undertow

Life is interesting...sometimes its smooth sails. Boring at times, but enjoyable. Sometimes its an undertow that takes you without warning, and by the time the waves stop thrashing you crawl to the shore covered in salt, seaweed, hair in your face, exhilarated, chest-pounding, 10 miles from where you were headed to begin with. Hopefully when it is said and done your unshaken, but more often than not it leaves you dazed, inarticulate, and desperate to get your bearings before you take your next step. 


I am not sure which part of the undertow I'm in, but I know I'm lost somewhere in the darkness of it. Glimpses of light, but the salt forcing my eyes shut before I can reorient and find my direction. So here I am waiting it out, again. Desperate for my next breath, and to wash up somewhere on the shore.

Currently, I'm back in the USA. Working at a hospital before my PhD program starts. I deferred for a year because the stipend wasn't as much as I was hoping. It's pretty defeating if I'm honest. Not the lack of funding, it is what is with that... but the feeling of free-falling into a depression just is so crippling. It hurts to be back here, alone, emotionally and physically, waiting for a good day...

It also hurts how familiar this all feels. 

I keep focusing on trying to remember this isn't forever, but what if I don't make it out of this chasm again...what if October finds its way into March to repeat its self again...


I suppose I should take solace in that I'm not purging again...but I think its because things are so bad right now I don't even care 

take care beautiful people. one way or another we will find the shore one day.

with love, 
Ell

Thoughts...

My head spins so fast sometimes...I feel this inexplicable throbbing in my chest saying I am not doing enough, not getting enough done. It taunts saying your not fooling anyone, no one believes you, and we are all just waiting for this facade glass house to crash so they can leave while I am left to my rubble of what I wanted to be, but never really was.

Working out has been hard. The motivation isn't there like it used to be. I think its because I am afraid to run outside, so I am confined to my parents dark house.

Honestly everything has been a little hard. Thinking, managing my anxiety, being responsible in general.

I am just so ready to be away from my parents house. School to start, have somewhere I have to be, someone who loves me every day by my side, even if he is angry with me... I just want to be happy and not here.

I wish my life was on a different path, but wishes don't pay bills, or make day dreams reality. They are just pointless thoughts if you don't have ambition, and its not like I don't... I really do have ambition, I just don't see many possibilities of it becoming a reality.

So I feel trapped, trapped in my head, trapped in my home, trapped in my life...

At the  same time I feel hopeful, I hope it won't always be this way...it can't right?

with love,
~ell

Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....

Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...

I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.

Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.

My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.

She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.

I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.

I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.

It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.

I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.

And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.

But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....

so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.

It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.

The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.

So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.

with love,
~ell

Residential and what not

Im out of treatment, residential was awful, php/iop was worse. yet here i am again. Not doing so well, and planning to lose more weight.
Where is the logic?

My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."

If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.

with love,
ell