Through all things we are loved

I am so thankful for grace and Christ's love. Through the spinning through the pain. Christ is love. We may not be protected from the consequences of our actions but we are saved from the condemnation. So thankful today

tired

tired.

No words feel accurate

I don't really have to many words to convey what I'm feeling. I have always felt truly blessed. I have an amazing albeit slightly shaky family. I love them and they love me, but they are complicated and have each been through a lot in their own ways. Regardless I'm still blessed to have them.

I am even more blessed in my relationships outside my family. My love is truly my best friend. He works so hard for us. He calls me his team member proudly. We both work very hard to be the best we can be for each other, and his love is unconditional and his support is always there. I honestly don't know what my life would look like without him, but I know I never ever want that day to come. I am so loved, and I feel so so much love for him.

So how can with all this can I feel so down and scared. How can everyday be such a struggle. How can I keep struggling to take any semblance of care of myself?

I don't know it's not depression I don't think. Overwhelmed, sure. Anxiety, yes. Body image issues, definitely...depression not there yet. But I feel as if I'm on my way...and I so so fear being there again.

With love,
~ell

Crave

Disclaimer: I am loved alot. More than I ever could deserve, but tonight this is where my thoughts are leading me to the haunted hallow void that I can't ever seem to run away from.

He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.

My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.

My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.

It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.

It is his.

He ran away.

He didn't want me.

The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.

My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.

She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.

All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.

He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.

I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.

I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.

I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....

Anxious?!

ME ANXIETY?

Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?

The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.

Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?

Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.

with love,
ell

Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....

Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...

I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.

Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.

My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.

She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.

I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.

I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.

It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.

I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.

And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.

But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....

so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.

It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.

The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.

So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.

with love,
~ell

Residential and what not

Im out of treatment, residential was awful, php/iop was worse. yet here i am again. Not doing so well, and planning to lose more weight.
Where is the logic?

My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."

If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.

with love,
ell

Hope Has Forsaken Me

Yes while hope may have forsaken me determination hasn't. I'm not hopeful because I know it will happen. My goals are all achievable, but I have to set my ass in motion to make them happen. The only thing standing in the way of me and my goals, is me.

Last night I felt what I think my have been a close cousin of despair. I was begging for away of of this world and as a owner of a whole bottle of aderol I could have easily got my wish, but then the voice of reason began to say if you really want out can it not wait till morning and Ed jumped sides (he is very fickle) and chimed in if you die now you will be the fat ass everyone always thought you were. It hit me. Ed was right, when I die if I have any control over it I better look hot, and at least felt like I tried to succed a little bit in life, meet at least one goal, and suddenly the voice of reason slipped out slowly and Ed held me till I felt asleep.

My therapist would hate me for saying this seeing how I let her think she has "cured" this thought out of me, but if Ed hadn't found me when I was 11yr I wouldn't be here today, and if I was by some chance I would be very alone.

Sick isn't it? My company is the voice inside my head, but at least he sticks around unlike the rest of them.

with love,
~Ell