Life is interesting...sometimes its smooth sails. Boring at times, but enjoyable. Sometimes its an undertow that takes you without warning, and by the time the waves stop thrashing you crawl to the shore covered in salt, seaweed, hair in your face, exhilarated, chest-pounding, 10 miles from where you were headed to begin with. Hopefully when it is said and done your unshaken, but more often than not it leaves you dazed, inarticulate, and desperate to get your bearings before you take your next step.
I am not sure which part of the undertow I'm in, but I know I'm lost somewhere in the darkness of it. Glimpses of light, but the salt forcing my eyes shut before I can reorient and find my direction. So here I am waiting it out, again. Desperate for my next breath, and to wash up somewhere on the shore.
Currently, I'm back in the USA. Working at a hospital before my PhD program starts. I deferred for a year because the stipend wasn't as much as I was hoping. It's pretty defeating if I'm honest. Not the lack of funding, it is what is with that... but the feeling of free-falling into a depression just is so crippling. It hurts to be back here, alone, emotionally and physically, waiting for a good day...
It also hurts how familiar this all feels.
I keep focusing on trying to remember this isn't forever, but what if I don't make it out of this chasm again...what if October finds its way into March to repeat its self again...
I suppose I should take solace in that I'm not purging again...but I think its because things are so bad right now I don't even care
take care beautiful people. one way or another we will find the shore one day.
with love,
Ell
Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings
Showing posts with label Ed musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ed musings. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Thursday, August 22, 2019
low hanging fog...
So been in living in England this summer, and it's funny how even in a bustling city people are pretty much the same everywhere. Pre-pubescent teens holding their arms across their stomach with a death grip to rival that of an alcoholic holding on to a handle of cheap whiskey, old men hunched over reading papers trying to make idle conversation with a barista who is far from interested, mom's trying to look like their nerves aren't frazzled as they walk/run after their children shhhhing with each tired step at their innocent yet awnrey squeals...nothing really changes it seems, except the postcode.
I suppose it shouldn't be surprised that is a shared experience I find for myself. Depression...hanging heavy and doesn't seem to be any blustering winds sweeping down the plains to remove it.
Master's is almost done in other news, and my advisor likes my PhD thesis...that is great. To be honest, I didn't picture myself here, I am surprised I made it this far. I just wish I had enough.. or maybe less...something whatever it is to enjoy it.
Food has gone back to shit. So really no recovery there right now I am sad to report after having done really for over 100 days straight since my birthday.
I'm not sure what needs to change, but I really hope whatever needs to does because I am so so tired of this. So tired and so so lonely.
Anyways packing for Edinburgh now, and if anyone is ever wondering is it worth it to visit Scotland... yes, 10/10...the highland hiking, the whiskey, the castle, it is incredibly brooding and romantic and I am so excited to be going back.
I bet you didn't know you would be getting a side of travel advice with the usual depressive ramblings.
with love,
~ell
I suppose it shouldn't be surprised that is a shared experience I find for myself. Depression...hanging heavy and doesn't seem to be any blustering winds sweeping down the plains to remove it.
Master's is almost done in other news, and my advisor likes my PhD thesis...that is great. To be honest, I didn't picture myself here, I am surprised I made it this far. I just wish I had enough.. or maybe less...something whatever it is to enjoy it.
Food has gone back to shit. So really no recovery there right now I am sad to report after having done really for over 100 days straight since my birthday.
I'm not sure what needs to change, but I really hope whatever needs to does because I am so so tired of this. So tired and so so lonely.
Anyways packing for Edinburgh now, and if anyone is ever wondering is it worth it to visit Scotland... yes, 10/10...the highland hiking, the whiskey, the castle, it is incredibly brooding and romantic and I am so excited to be going back.
I bet you didn't know you would be getting a side of travel advice with the usual depressive ramblings.
with love,
~ell
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Home again home again...never again
i rarely post, and I make no apologies. I love you all but inconsistentcy is one of my biggest character deficiencies
...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.
It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....
Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.
That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.
I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...
I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...
Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...
with love,
~ell
...truthfully I hate all of it...I can’t remember the last time I felt unconditionally loved by someone other than her. And that should be more than enough bc in so many ways it is. It’s a love that so many times a day I can fly. Do anything. Be anything. For her.
It’s a love so many of him(s)...okay well one, let’s call him C...demanded...punched the ground by my head when we layed in the floor of my closet in my parents house bc I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t...give to him....
Can’t say I get the punching the ground part but I get why the support, respect, admiration means so so much. Bc it does....it means so much.
That being said...my heart has never felt so heavy. I miss my brother. I do. With all of me. I miss an easy(ish) relationship with my mom.
I miss care free evenings without a burning scratchy throat...
I miss so much...I’m home sick like a 12 year old who despite their chargrin hates to admit it that they are extremely homesick...homesick for a place that never existed...
Wrote with love and a glass of wine so forgive or don’t all the grammatical errors...
with love,
~ell
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Dark and twisty
the darkness is heavy. The light is too much to bright to cheerful to...light. Everything hurts. The pain of being awake is almost more than I can handle. My mind doesn't shut off rather spins constantly as if making the loading hissing sound a mac book makes when it works to hard to load a page. The processor I believe is responsible for that right? Not sure.
But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the peripheral hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we are stuck, coaxed slowly petrifying in amber, becoming stills in a photo, in a moment, in our own life. Which do you see? The putrefying of comfort or the petrifying of change. It is a dichotomy I live in often, unable to decide one way or another perpetually stuck because momentum is requires movement or choice...and unable to allow myself to retire from the race all together, dreaming in my head, and self destructing on the outside...allows some semblance of balance while i avoid it all...the pain, the risk, myself... And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.
Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.
Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112
I hate this
With love,
Ell
But it hurts. The flashbacks hurt. The hope that still lingers in the peripheral hurts. It's hope for the future. Hope to maybe one day find my person who will stay, who will care enough to never leave. God I wish the self destruction wasn't so impossible to fight some days. Can you imagine? The ways in which we could all succeed, but we are stuck, coaxed slowly petrifying in amber, becoming stills in a photo, in a moment, in our own life. Which do you see? The putrefying of comfort or the petrifying of change. It is a dichotomy I live in often, unable to decide one way or another perpetually stuck because momentum is requires movement or choice...and unable to allow myself to retire from the race all together, dreaming in my head, and self destructing on the outside...allows some semblance of balance while i avoid it all...the pain, the risk, myself... And that expectation to keep it up to keep achieving when we feel often we lucked into our success bc clearly it can't be any fault of our own, but the best way to avoid kicking into that kind of success. Destruct. Like a force of nature, a hurricane and tornado all in one blow sort your life and destruct and make sure your drowning in the damage and self hatred.
Good now take all that damage, and self hatred and use it to fuel your eating disorder. Perfect. You now have a glimpse, albeit a mere fraction of a glimpse, but a glimpse none of the less of what it takes to have an eating disorder.
Feelings: alone, lost, angry, sad, and just so lonely
Days since last purge: zero
Daily weigh in: 112
I hate this
With love,
Ell
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
recovery....quasi recovery....not recovered at all
Today one of my good friends messaged me. We met in treatment a few years ago. She proceeded to tell me how great her relationship with food and exercise had become, and that she was finally accepting herself. I couldn't have been more happy for her...only till we started really talking did I see she was completely deluding her self.
Recovery is not counting every bite you take, it is not constantly trying to manipulate your body to a lower weight than it naturally rests at, it is not eating one piece of chocolate and running and doing leg lifts to make up for being "care-free" and "indulging."
I am no where near perfect recovery. Not even a little bit. Almost half of all my thoughts (if not more) revolve around food and my body image. I have a running total of calories in my head at any given moment not just from what I am eating, but what others around me are eating. But the difference between my friend and I, is tragically simple.
She believes these thoughts and behaviors are perfectly normal, and that even more this will be apart of a healthy recovered lifestyle, at best this is what they call quasi recovery.
I know I toe a very delicate line of quasi recovery and full on relapse. I hate it. I challenge my self, battle myself every single day. I panic about the future and if this is the life I will lead forever because this is not a fulfilling life I want.
I want to replace the running total of calories in my head with research ideas, replaying my favorite adagios for strings, quotes from documentaries, dreams for what I will eventually achieve, and most importantly I want to love myself for the beautiful creation God made me to be.
So if you like my friend believe yourself to be in recovery ask yourself this: what are your thoughts obsessing over most of the day? When was the last time you appreciated your body for the way it looks, and what it does for you on a daily basis? Do you have to compensate when you deviate from your meal plan or do you just embrace food as one of life's simple (okay not so simple 99.9% of the time) pleasures? Are you actively trying to change your body or do you exercise with a respectful attitude towards yourself and health?
Now last question: Do you want to be living and believing these same things about yourself ten years from now?
Okay I lied one more: If you have a daughter and she felt the exact same way you feel about yourself on a daily basis would it break your heart or would you be proud of her for loving and respecting herself?
So challenge yourself with one tiny thing today. Embrace change, and fight like hell because this self-deprecating mockery of a life is not a life but a prison and isn't what you deserve.
with love,
~ell
Recovery is not counting every bite you take, it is not constantly trying to manipulate your body to a lower weight than it naturally rests at, it is not eating one piece of chocolate and running and doing leg lifts to make up for being "care-free" and "indulging."
I am no where near perfect recovery. Not even a little bit. Almost half of all my thoughts (if not more) revolve around food and my body image. I have a running total of calories in my head at any given moment not just from what I am eating, but what others around me are eating. But the difference between my friend and I, is tragically simple.
She believes these thoughts and behaviors are perfectly normal, and that even more this will be apart of a healthy recovered lifestyle, at best this is what they call quasi recovery.
I know I toe a very delicate line of quasi recovery and full on relapse. I hate it. I challenge my self, battle myself every single day. I panic about the future and if this is the life I will lead forever because this is not a fulfilling life I want.
I want to replace the running total of calories in my head with research ideas, replaying my favorite adagios for strings, quotes from documentaries, dreams for what I will eventually achieve, and most importantly I want to love myself for the beautiful creation God made me to be.
So if you like my friend believe yourself to be in recovery ask yourself this: what are your thoughts obsessing over most of the day? When was the last time you appreciated your body for the way it looks, and what it does for you on a daily basis? Do you have to compensate when you deviate from your meal plan or do you just embrace food as one of life's simple (okay not so simple 99.9% of the time) pleasures? Are you actively trying to change your body or do you exercise with a respectful attitude towards yourself and health?
Now last question: Do you want to be living and believing these same things about yourself ten years from now?
Okay I lied one more: If you have a daughter and she felt the exact same way you feel about yourself on a daily basis would it break your heart or would you be proud of her for loving and respecting herself?
So challenge yourself with one tiny thing today. Embrace change, and fight like hell because this self-deprecating mockery of a life is not a life but a prison and isn't what you deserve.
with love,
~ell
Thursday, September 10, 2015
therapy
I started with a new therapist. It is okay...
honestly it really hasnt changed much but i just started. I sometimes just want to feel really and truly treasured.
Once in a while just that one little thing that is out of the way, the extra mile, that shows how much they care.
I don't know. It is stupid. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to do those things for me, honestly I don't even value me that much...so I guess that is fair.
Just still sings.
Lots of things honestly hurt.
with love,
~ell
Sunday, September 6, 2015
I want to matter
I want to matter...
in my relationships
in my field
in my own eyes
I want people to consider my thoughts, my concerns, my desires, and my vision. I am not saying blindly agree, but just really felt considered.
Something that is resonating with me lately is how can anyone consider me, if I will not even consider myself.
I cannot self destruct like a ticking time bomb and then wonder why no one came to me for council.
I am not saying I started loving myself overnight, or that it even got easier but I am saying I can see where I should be heading in terms of self acceptance, or maybe its just more motivation towards self acceptance.
with love,
~ell
in my relationships
in my field
in my own eyes
I want people to consider my thoughts, my concerns, my desires, and my vision. I am not saying blindly agree, but just really felt considered.
Something that is resonating with me lately is how can anyone consider me, if I will not even consider myself.
I cannot self destruct like a ticking time bomb and then wonder why no one came to me for council.
I am not saying I started loving myself overnight, or that it even got easier but I am saying I can see where I should be heading in terms of self acceptance, or maybe its just more motivation towards self acceptance.
with love,
~ell
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Thoughts...
My head spins so fast sometimes...I feel this inexplicable throbbing in my chest saying I am not doing enough, not getting enough done. It taunts saying your not fooling anyone, no one believes you, and we are all just waiting for this facade glass house to crash so they can leave while I am left to my rubble of what I wanted to be, but never really was.
Working out has been hard. The motivation isn't there like it used to be. I think its because I am afraid to run outside, so I am confined to my parents dark house.
Honestly everything has been a little hard. Thinking, managing my anxiety, being responsible in general.
I am just so ready to be away from my parents house. School to start, have somewhere I have to be, someone who loves me every day by my side, even if he is angry with me... I just want to be happy and not here.
I wish my life was on a different path, but wishes don't pay bills, or make day dreams reality. They are just pointless thoughts if you don't have ambition, and its not like I don't... I really do have ambition, I just don't see many possibilities of it becoming a reality.
So I feel trapped, trapped in my head, trapped in my home, trapped in my life...
At the same time I feel hopeful, I hope it won't always be this way...it can't right?
with love,
~ell
Working out has been hard. The motivation isn't there like it used to be. I think its because I am afraid to run outside, so I am confined to my parents dark house.
Honestly everything has been a little hard. Thinking, managing my anxiety, being responsible in general.
I am just so ready to be away from my parents house. School to start, have somewhere I have to be, someone who loves me every day by my side, even if he is angry with me... I just want to be happy and not here.
I wish my life was on a different path, but wishes don't pay bills, or make day dreams reality. They are just pointless thoughts if you don't have ambition, and its not like I don't... I really do have ambition, I just don't see many possibilities of it becoming a reality.
So I feel trapped, trapped in my head, trapped in my home, trapped in my life...
At the same time I feel hopeful, I hope it won't always be this way...it can't right?
with love,
~ell
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
wants...
I want to be desired...
I want to feel worthy of being desired...
I am loved and appreciated and valued...
But I want to be passionately pursued...
When he looks at me I want him to think,
"Damn how did I get so lucky? Of all the people in the world she choose me. Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did, but now she is here and I am not going to waste a second showing her how much I want her to be mine."
Stupid maybe, but that is how I feel about him...
I don't believe I love him more, I just think I desire him more...
And it hurts, but I also don't feel worthy of that much desire either...
Starting the master cleanse tomorrow and very much looking forward to it.
I'll update my thoughts on it later.
Also I am trying to find active blogs, people who post semi regularly. If any of you do just leave any old comment, a number, a letter, an emoji, anything and I would love to follow you back!
with love,
ell
I want to feel worthy of being desired...
I am loved and appreciated and valued...
But I want to be passionately pursued...
When he looks at me I want him to think,
"Damn how did I get so lucky? Of all the people in the world she choose me. Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did, but now she is here and I am not going to waste a second showing her how much I want her to be mine."
Stupid maybe, but that is how I feel about him...
I don't believe I love him more, I just think I desire him more...
And it hurts, but I also don't feel worthy of that much desire either...
Starting the master cleanse tomorrow and very much looking forward to it.
I'll update my thoughts on it later.
Also I am trying to find active blogs, people who post semi regularly. If any of you do just leave any old comment, a number, a letter, an emoji, anything and I would love to follow you back!
with love,
ell
Monday, June 1, 2015
Crave
Disclaimer: I am loved alot. More than I ever could deserve, but tonight this is where my thoughts are leading me to the haunted hallow void that I can't ever seem to run away from.
He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.
My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.
My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.
It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.
It is his.
He ran away.
He didn't want me.
The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.
My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.
She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.
All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.
He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.
I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.
I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.
I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....
Anxious?!
ME ANXIETY?
Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?
The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.
Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?
Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.
with love,
ell
He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.
My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.
My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.
It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.
It is his.
He ran away.
He didn't want me.
The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.
My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.
She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.
All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.
He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.
I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.
I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.
I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....
Anxious?!
ME ANXIETY?
Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?
The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.
Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?
Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.
with love,
ell
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
The most rambling post that you will ever read
Everything stresses you out. Getting dressed in the morning is so overwhelming. Nothing fits. It all looks horrible on you which is ironic, because when you bought it everyone told you how great it looked, and let's be honest you asked at least 3 different people. Shopping is its own rant entirely, because yes you know exactly what you want, it may even be a great deal, but the sheer thought of how it looks on you...what if it accentuates your thighs or curves or makes your arms look bigger, what if it looks great? And then how can that be possible because your are size 2, 26 waist and all of you is to much.
You flutter between 120's and sometimes on a bad bad day you creep all the way up to 130 again...so how can anything look good on me...I used to be a lovely weight, and I also used to be a sickly weight. I don't want to be sickly again.
My dietician and therapist agree and say the lowest for my height they would consider safe is 117...I don't know that still seems...I just feel at 115 I would feel a lot more safe and more comfortable...I mean honestly I am not even supposed to know my weight, or my targets. That was the plan to give me 'comfort' and 'freedom' after therapy...More like send me into a full blown panic... But most of my goals and coping mechanisms I decided on in treatment have fallen by the way side....so yes I keep digressing and jumping around but it will continue...
I have my first therapy session next week, and its been a while. So maybe just maybe things will be okay...I just have to survive my family trip to Washington D.C....
It's intimidating the idea alone. I am not sure how I will handle the trip honestly. I love my family, but they are going through a lot...They are a continual emotion roller coster. They hurt one another unintentionally most of the time, my mom is excited which is great she hasn't seemed this happy about anything in a long time. I am rooming with my sister which scares me....
She is a sweet caring and wonderful person to everyone, but me. I don't know why she just seems so put out with me most of the time. I mean I am older than her, and I feel like I am the one not good enough to be around....
And I am just idk I hate being in photos, and it will be photo central...
Why can't I just be excited...I am actually only taking comfort in the fact that they will have a gym, and my parents will not want to go out and eat that often so that will be perfect for being able to not worry so much about eating so I won't feel as much pressure to purge hopefully.
I hate purging, it makes me feel drained and unable to focus, it hurts me, it hurts my loved ones, it controls what I can and cannot do sometimes trying to find
I really am stressed...I just want it to go well, I don't want to hurt or dissapoint any one...Food is becoming hard, and challenging. I hate dealing with this. I hate running and working out, and running some more, then eating a normal (honestly less than normal most of the time) meal plan and then feeling anxiety.
Being home is proving to be more stressful than school....I just don't want to slide, I don't want to start purging 3-4 times a day every day again. I don't want to end up back in treatment. I am just...I am lost...
Thoughts?
with love,
ell
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....
Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...
I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.
Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.
My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.
She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.
I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.
I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.
It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.
I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.
And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.
But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....
so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.
It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.
The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.
So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.
with love,
~ell
I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.
Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.
My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.
She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.
I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.
I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.
It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.
I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.
And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.
But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....
so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.
It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.
The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.
So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.
with love,
~ell
Monday, March 2, 2015
Will I crush it before it Crushes me?
I have so much on my heart and my mind. I am constantly battling my healthy self vs. my eating disordered self every meal, every minute alone, every thought is somehow tied to either avoiding screwing up, how to rectify a situation if I do screw up, what is the healthiest choice, is the healthy choice really healthy or is that my eating disorder trying to convince me it is the healthy choice.
I wish my eating disorder wasn't so loud, I wish it was easy to see it as a bad habit needing to be changed, and if it wasn't for the severity of it, the fact life does revolve around nutrition so it is unavoidable, and the seriousness of the consequences that result from the eating disorder I might see it that way. But in some ways that seems like I am taking the matter lightly, and I know myself if I see something as less than pressing it will not get accomplished. So right now just as my eating disorder consumes my every thought I have to try and make my recovered balanced voice become just as prevalent and loud if not louder.
It is just scary right now. I am afraid. I am in a fragile state that honestly feels temporary. I am just working on making it permanent, but I think knowing how easy it is to fail is what makes it feel so fleeting.
And truth be told the small amount of behaviors I am abstaining from is nowhere close to where I should be, where I need to be. I just don't want to go back toprison treatment.
Treatment
Again
Two scary scary words...hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!
with love,
~ell
I wish my eating disorder wasn't so loud, I wish it was easy to see it as a bad habit needing to be changed, and if it wasn't for the severity of it, the fact life does revolve around nutrition so it is unavoidable, and the seriousness of the consequences that result from the eating disorder I might see it that way. But in some ways that seems like I am taking the matter lightly, and I know myself if I see something as less than pressing it will not get accomplished. So right now just as my eating disorder consumes my every thought I have to try and make my recovered balanced voice become just as prevalent and loud if not louder.
It is just scary right now. I am afraid. I am in a fragile state that honestly feels temporary. I am just working on making it permanent, but I think knowing how easy it is to fail is what makes it feel so fleeting.
And truth be told the small amount of behaviors I am abstaining from is nowhere close to where I should be, where I need to be. I just don't want to go back to
Treatment
Again
Two scary scary words...hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!
with love,
~ell
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Residential and what not
Im out of treatment, residential was awful, php/iop was worse. yet here i am again. Not doing so well, and planning to lose more weight.
Where is the logic?
My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."
If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.
with love,
ell
Where is the logic?
My mind says "Hello eating disorder, I'm so sorry I gave recovery that bullshit try" sobs uncontrollably "please for give me, tell my parents im sorry, I can't look like this anymore. Recovery is not for me."
Eating disorder replies, "Oh silly girl I never left. Come here."
If anyone reads this, please say hi, if not so i'll follow your blog, but because I could really use the company.
with love,
ell
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Hope Has Forsaken Me
Last night I felt what I think my have been a close cousin of despair. I was begging for away of of this world and as a owner of a whole bottle of aderol I could have easily got my wish, but then the voice of reason began to say if you really want out can it not wait till morning and Ed jumped sides (he is very fickle) and chimed in if you die now you will be the fat ass everyone always thought you were. It hit me. Ed was right, when I die if I have any control over it I better look hot, and at least felt like I tried to succed a little bit in life, meet at least one goal, and suddenly the voice of reason slipped out slowly and Ed held me till I felt asleep.
My therapist would hate me for saying this seeing how I let her think she has "cured" this thought out of me, but if Ed hadn't found me when I was 11yr I wouldn't be here today, and if I was by some chance I would be very alone.
Sick isn't it? My company is the voice inside my head, but at least he sticks around unlike the rest of them.
with love,
~Ell
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