tired

tired.

Call it selfish, but yes I have feelings

I constantly feel punished by my feelings. If I tell someone I'm upset it's my fault for not being understanding. If I'm happy and bouncing off the walls, I need to tone it down people are busy. I know that things are busy, people are busy, school is busy, but honestly I feel like everyone is to busy for me. I never meant to be a burden, and I would think by the countless amount of texts, nights spent waiting, and prayers prayed for success it would be obvious I am so so incredibly appreciative. But  if I say any or all of these things I get to watch people curl into themselves and say horrible things about them and our relationship. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm ungrateful or difficult for not being understanding... When did it become a personal attack to have feelings about a situation?

With love,
~ell

No words feel accurate

I don't really have to many words to convey what I'm feeling. I have always felt truly blessed. I have an amazing albeit slightly shaky family. I love them and they love me, but they are complicated and have each been through a lot in their own ways. Regardless I'm still blessed to have them.

I am even more blessed in my relationships outside my family. My love is truly my best friend. He works so hard for us. He calls me his team member proudly. We both work very hard to be the best we can be for each other, and his love is unconditional and his support is always there. I honestly don't know what my life would look like without him, but I know I never ever want that day to come. I am so loved, and I feel so so much love for him.

So how can with all this can I feel so down and scared. How can everyday be such a struggle. How can I keep struggling to take any semblance of care of myself?

I don't know it's not depression I don't think. Overwhelmed, sure. Anxiety, yes. Body image issues, definitely...depression not there yet. But I feel as if I'm on my way...and I so so fear being there again.

With love,
~ell

tired.

Graduating in May.
Honestly I am not even excited. I will be happy to be done, and thankful for the oppertunity to have finished.


But most of the people in my life has made me feel more than less for taking so long. I don't know I just feel like what's the point.

I feel exceptionally defeated and lost.

I have so much guilt.

I have so many things I am embarrassed about.

I am so ashamed of myself.

I want a superior quality life. I know that has to start with forgiveness, myself and others.

I don't know. I'm not sure how to change anything.

I am watching this amazing youtube video about changing your life by fasting and seeking spiritual healing.


I have no idea if I will do it, because I feel so afraid to fail.

But I crave so whole heartedly freedom in Christ, and from my depression, my eating disorder, the constant incessant thoughts I have a million times a day.

I know that through the spirit I can be successful. I can do it, and I really really want that freedom.



rambling and with love,
~ell

recovery....quasi recovery....not recovered at all

Today one of my good friends messaged me. We met in treatment a few years ago. She proceeded to tell me how great her relationship with food and exercise had become, and that she was finally accepting herself. I couldn't have been more happy for her...only till we started really talking did I see she was completely deluding her self.

Recovery is not counting every bite you take, it is not constantly trying to manipulate your body to a lower weight than it naturally rests at, it is not eating one piece of chocolate and running and doing leg lifts to make up for being "care-free" and "indulging."


I am no where near perfect recovery. Not even a little bit. Almost half of all my thoughts (if not more) revolve around food and my body image. I have a running total of calories in my head at any given moment not just from what I am eating, but what others around me are eating. But the difference between my friend and I, is tragically simple.

She believes these thoughts and behaviors are perfectly normal, and that even more this will be apart of a healthy recovered lifestyle, at best this is what they call quasi recovery.

I know I toe a very delicate line of quasi recovery and full on relapse. I hate it. I challenge my self, battle myself every single day. I panic about the future and if this is the life I will lead forever because this is not a fulfilling life I want.

I want to replace the running total of calories in my head with research ideas, replaying my favorite adagios for strings, quotes from documentaries, dreams for what I will eventually achieve, and most importantly I want to love myself for the beautiful creation God made me to be.

So if you like my friend believe yourself to be in recovery ask yourself this: what are your thoughts obsessing over most of the day? When was the last time you appreciated your body for the way it looks, and what it does for you on a daily basis? Do you have to compensate when you deviate from your meal plan or do you just embrace food as one of life's simple (okay not so simple 99.9% of the time) pleasures? Are you actively trying to change your body or do you exercise with a respectful attitude towards yourself and health?

Now last question: Do you want to be living and believing these same things about yourself ten years from now?

Okay I lied one more: If you have a daughter and she felt the exact same way you feel about yourself on a daily basis would it break your heart or would you be proud of her for loving and respecting herself?

So challenge yourself with one tiny thing today. Embrace change, and fight like hell because this self-deprecating mockery of a life is not a life but a prison and isn't what you deserve.

with love,
~ell

the best news (entirely and completely sarcasm)

The best news! My depression his setting record lows and I cannot seem to break the vicious cycle that is on repeat in my head.

It doesn't help that something I wanted so much, needed even completely fell through. Even though I did handle it gracefully in the moment (or at least the best I could given what a huge wave of disappointment I was drowning in) I was met with only criticism and even a bit of projected anger for their own mistake.

Making me defensive, but yet I am the one who was attacking and lashing out. I never realized how much I crave the approval and accreditation from others until I consistently don't get it from someone.

I try so very hard to be enough, to behave the way they want, to be independent, but even when I am nailing it flawlessly for days the next mistake I make is the first comment I receive on my behavior.

Oh but if I try to be that critical of anyone else's behavior it is me attacking them, or not being understanding, or me not caring at all.

Not to say I am not grateful for the many relationships I have in my life, but geez sometimes I just need them to quit caring about telling me how wrong I am and just give me some credit for the other 99 things I get right.

On top of all those feelings. I just had a fight with my mother, and I now have zero desire for Christmas.

Sorry for ranting, sorry I wasn't more uplifting. But I do want to say thank everyone who reads this. Thank you for being you and for trying your hardest, even if you fail, because you are enough.

with love,
~ell

therapy

I started with a new therapist. It is okay...

honestly it really hasnt changed much but i just started.  I sometimes just want to feel really and truly treasured.

Once in a while just that one little thing that is out of the way, the extra mile, that shows how much they care.

I don't know. It is stupid. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to do those things for me, honestly I don't even value me that much...so I guess that is fair.

Just still sings.

Lots of things honestly hurt.

with love,
~ell