Lonely

It's summer! I am so relieved to have another semester over. But the harsh loneliness of home is undeniable. Truth is I felt it's ever creeping feeling looming towards me this last few weeks of the semester, and now it's here inescapable. I have family who love me very much, a wonderful home to come back to, and friends who come back for the summers too...so why do I feel so alone...


Truthfully I have physically, metaphorically, and emotionally lost so many homes since I was 16 i don't think any place will ever really feel like home again. But knowing this I'm still left homesick for a place that doesn't exist...

But I have honestly feel maybe my home will never be a place for me, but a person...someone who feels more safe and comforting and exciting than any other place on earth.

I dunno part of me feels like that is dangerous to feel safe in someone because people change, they lie, don't do what they say they will, but maybe just this once it won't happen. Maybe there are other people who believe in being attentive and thoughtful in those small ways that really are insignificant but mean everything to me. In so many ways I know he values and upholds those same qualities, but it is scary... I know this one is the real never get over your whole world has changed kind of love, and more than anything I just don't want to lose it or mess it up.

When did happily ever after start feeling so scary to believe in? And is it scary because you know when have found it you fear losing it more than you fear dying because that connection is the strongest earthly bond you ever experienced?

With love,
ell