Sunday should be homework day, that would only be applicable if I had homework to do so instead I'm spending it lost inside the endless rambling of my head. I want to be beautiful, non-intrusive, not crude, or laugh to loud, or annoy, or an inconvenience, or just in the way. I don't want to be perfect because I'm not entirely sure what perfect means to me. I want to be thin, I want to be happy, I want to be intelligent, confident, reserved, and allowed to spend my life locked away inside a book. Happy to enjoy my whole life reading and devouring great literary works while slowly sipping coffee and curled up in a chunky knit sweater traveling the world with the love of my life, taking on new adventures, and discovering secret thrills we will remember for the rest of our lives.
Instead I sit in a dorm room in an ativan fog, a drug I apparently can benefit from even though I hate that it makes me cry, takes hours and hours to wear off, and leaves me feeling like a zombie. It still doesn't change the fact that I can't seem to get my thought off the scary number of calories I consumed at breakfast, and pray that tomorrow the scale will be just a little less even though I am consuming what feels like just absurd amounts of calories even though it is less than my recovery meal plan and normal for most people. I hate the fear that dictates my life, the gloomy melancholy feeling that is sitting at the edge of my mind ready to cast its dreary shadow the moment I let my guard down, or the anxiety that is bubbling in my chest.
I am not unhappy please don't be mistaken. I am overwhelmed. And right now I need to vent about the stuff that is negative because who vents about all the wonderful stuff they have going on in their lives.
Sorry if this post feel scattered, and less than overjoyed. I will try to do better tomorrow.