Crave

Disclaimer: I am loved alot. More than I ever could deserve, but tonight this is where my thoughts are leading me to the haunted hallow void that I can't ever seem to run away from.

He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.

My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.

My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.

It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.

It is his.

He ran away.

He didn't want me.

The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.

My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.

She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.

All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.

He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.

I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.

I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.

I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....

Anxious?!

ME ANXIETY?

Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?

The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.

Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?

Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.

with love,
ell