The most rambling post that you will ever read

Everything stresses you out. Getting dressed in the morning is so overwhelming. Nothing fits. It all looks horrible on you which is ironic, because when you bought it everyone told you how great it looked, and let's be honest you asked at least 3 different people. Shopping is its own rant entirely, because yes you know exactly what you want, it may even be a great deal, but the sheer thought of how it looks on you...what if it accentuates your thighs or curves or makes your arms look bigger, what if it looks great? And then how can that be possible because your are size 2, 26 waist and all of you is to much. 

You flutter between 120's and sometimes on a bad bad day you creep all the way up to 130 again...so how can anything look good on me...I used to be a lovely weight, and I also used to be a sickly weight. I don't want to be sickly again. 

My dietician and therapist agree and say the lowest for my height they would consider safe is 117...I don't know that still seems...I just feel at 115 I would feel a lot more safe and more comfortable...I mean honestly I am not even supposed to know my weight, or my targets. That was the plan to give me 'comfort' and 'freedom' after therapy...More like send me into a full blown panic... But most of my goals and coping mechanisms I decided on in treatment have fallen by the way side....so yes I keep digressing and jumping around but it will continue...

 I have my first therapy session next week, and its been a while. So maybe just maybe things will be okay...I just have to survive my family trip to Washington D.C....

It's intimidating the idea alone. I am not sure how I will handle the trip honestly. I love my family, but they are going through a lot...They are a continual emotion roller coster. They hurt one another unintentionally most of the time, my mom is excited which is great she hasn't seemed this happy about anything in a long time. I am rooming with my sister which scares me....

She is a sweet caring and wonderful person to everyone, but me. I don't know why she just seems so put out with me most of the time. I mean I am older than her, and I feel like I am the one not good enough to be around....

And I am just idk I hate being in photos, and it will be photo central...

Why can't I just be excited...I am actually only taking comfort in the fact that they will have a gym, and my parents will not want to go out and eat that often so that will be perfect for being able to not worry so much about eating so I won't feel as much pressure to purge hopefully.   

I hate purging, it makes me feel drained and unable to focus, it hurts me, it hurts my loved ones, it controls what I can and cannot do sometimes trying to find 

I really am stressed...I just want it to go well, I don't want to hurt or dissapoint any one...Food is becoming hard, and challenging. I hate dealing with this. I hate running and working out, and running some more, then eating a normal (honestly less than normal most of the time) meal plan and then feeling anxiety. 

Being home is proving to be more stressful than school....I just don't want to slide, I don't want to start purging 3-4 times a day every day again. I don't want to end up back in treatment. I am just...I am lost...

Thoughts?

with love, 

ell

breathing...

I am breathing...
I am here...
I feel inadequate...
I feel like a disappointment....
I feel afraid...

I honestly feel like I should be better. I want to be good enough. I never feel like I am enough. I can do better. I will do better. Everyone in my life deserves better for me.

with love,
Ell

Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....

Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...

I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.

Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.

My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.

She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.

I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.

I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.

It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.

I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.

And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.

But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....

so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.

It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.

The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.

So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.

with love,
~ell

Lonely

It's summer! I am so relieved to have another semester over. But the harsh loneliness of home is undeniable. Truth is I felt it's ever creeping feeling looming towards me this last few weeks of the semester, and now it's here inescapable. I have family who love me very much, a wonderful home to come back to, and friends who come back for the summers too...so why do I feel so alone...


Truthfully I have physically, metaphorically, and emotionally lost so many homes since I was 16 i don't think any place will ever really feel like home again. But knowing this I'm still left homesick for a place that doesn't exist...

But I have honestly feel maybe my home will never be a place for me, but a person...someone who feels more safe and comforting and exciting than any other place on earth.

I dunno part of me feels like that is dangerous to feel safe in someone because people change, they lie, don't do what they say they will, but maybe just this once it won't happen. Maybe there are other people who believe in being attentive and thoughtful in those small ways that really are insignificant but mean everything to me. In so many ways I know he values and upholds those same qualities, but it is scary... I know this one is the real never get over your whole world has changed kind of love, and more than anything I just don't want to lose it or mess it up.

When did happily ever after start feeling so scary to believe in? And is it scary because you know when have found it you fear losing it more than you fear dying because that connection is the strongest earthly bond you ever experienced?

With love,
ell

Lazy sunday...

Sunday should be homework day, that would only be applicable if I had homework to do so instead I'm spending it lost inside the endless rambling of my head. I want to be beautiful, non-intrusive, not crude, or laugh to loud, or annoy, or an inconvenience, or just in the way. I don't want to be perfect because I'm not entirely sure what perfect means to me. I want to be thin, I want to be happy, I want to be intelligent, confident, reserved, and allowed to spend my life locked away inside a book. Happy to enjoy my whole life reading and devouring great literary works while slowly sipping coffee and curled up in a chunky knit sweater traveling the world with the love of my life, taking on new adventures, and discovering secret thrills we will remember for the rest of our lives.


Instead I sit in a dorm room in an ativan fog, a drug I apparently can benefit from even though I hate that it makes me cry, takes hours and hours to wear off, and leaves me feeling like a zombie. It still doesn't change the fact that I can't seem to get my thought off the scary number of calories I consumed at breakfast, and pray that tomorrow the scale will be just a little less even though I am consuming what feels like just absurd amounts of calories even though it is less than my recovery meal plan and normal for most people. I hate the fear that dictates my life, the gloomy melancholy feeling that is sitting at the edge of my mind ready to cast its dreary shadow the moment I let my guard down, or the anxiety that is bubbling in my chest.

I am not unhappy please don't be mistaken. I am overwhelmed. And right now I need to vent about the stuff that is negative because who vents about all the wonderful stuff they have going on in their lives.

Sorry if this post feel scattered, and less than overjoyed. I will try to do better tomorrow.

with love,
ell

Breathe 1, 2, 3...breathe

I can't breathe. I know physically I am breathing, but my chest hurts, I feel like I'm drowning, I know I can make it, I will be okay...but it's not like that right now. I feel overwhelmed with nothing and everything. I just need to breathe...keep breathing.
It will be okay...

I hate this. I hate anxiety or feeling down. It makes me feel ungrateful for everything I have going in my life.  Everyone in my life is beyond wonderful to me, I have a loving family, amazing boyfriend that goes beyond any expectations I could have, good friends even if they live too far away. But yet I feel alone, and like I'm walking on cracking glass.

Breathe.
One
Two
Three
Breathe.

I'm safe.

I am okay.

with love,
Ell

Meloncholy at best...late night rambling

I can't really explain it, I never can...it doesn't happen often but when it does words escape me leaving me a heap of useless emotions that I can't quite comprehend or understand let alone express rationally so that anyone else can get a glimpse of endless noise screeching in my head and the weight pressing me down while fighting to tether myself to anything that feels permanent so I don't float away.
This feeling is both something familiar and scary at the same time. I suppose the two are not mutually exclusive from each other, something can be familiar and terrifying at the same time I suppose.

But is it really terrifying? Is it really that scary? Death would be a very big adventure, so yes naturally that would be scary, plus despite the thoughts about it I am far from that level of depression. I just have a more constant feeling of melancholy. I'm an upbeat person so this is hard for me...it makes everything seem off, and I'm afraid of others around me becoming concerned so I try my hardest to be upbeat and positive as much as I can. I have so many blessings in my life and I hate the thought of any of them to  think they have in some way caused me to feel this way or could or should be doing something to change the way I feel.

The truth is no one made me feel this way, no one wasn't there for me, no one hurt me, or let me down in any way. I have pain deep rooted that still hurts that occasionally contributes to my endless pursuit to be enough, but I don't think that's it either. I can't explain it, the way I feel doesn't make any sense and is maddening. I care both to much and not at all about the future. I'm so ready for it to be here but I'm petrified of growing up when I still feel so childish sometimes. I am so passionately in love and so completely loved by the most wonderful man I will ever know but despite the security and comfort he makes me feel, I'm so afraid of making a mistake or driving him away with how dark my head can be. I hate how afraid I am, I hate fearing the darkness around me. I hate knowing it might not be as dark as the inside of my head. When did the monsters under our bed become less scary than the ones that live in our head? When did the fear of not being enough and simultaneously too much start controlling my life? And maybe when or the why is not nearly as important as how to get away...

So melancholy at best, but at least I can take heart knowing this will pass just rather lonely waiting. How can it not be if I can't even understand it myself, but I am ready for sooner rather than later.

Enough late night rambles

With love,
ell