Nerves

I'm nervous about tidy I have to preform a song in asl in front of my class. Geez can you please just hit me with a car...I know weird but I want to throw up I hate being in front of anyone let alone 70 someones.

Well I will have to get over it. It's worth almost halfy grade. Plus I haves quiz, a paper, and a test tomorrow. overwhelmed? Yes. Due to procrastination? 100%

On the plus side at least I'm feeling better.

I'll post more later!

with love,
~Ell

doom...(but i'm feeling better:)

I will look like this. My thighs will not touch.

I need rules...
Working on them. Please help me out and offer me some of yours, as well.
Rules:
1. food should take 1 hour or more to eat
2. No eating after 6:55
3. All food must be either piping hot or brain freeze cold (physical pain is better)
4. Foods must be as low in carbs as possible
5. Food may not be used as a tool to procrastinate.
6. Weigh and log weight everyday
7. Keep a food Diary
8. Must drink a cup of hot tea with every meal


Hmm...that is all I have for now. I'm working on coming up with my diet plan...I want it low cal but high in vitamin and nutrients, but as low calorie as possible.
I learned in nutrition that protein is the most satiating macronutrient...or fulfilling...in other words. So I want to incorporate lean protein into my diet.

Curious has anyone ever done the Copenhagen diet? What did you think of it?
Thank you for all your get well wishes. I really appreciated them!

with love,
~Ell

still sick...

still sick with the flu and honestly I ache to much to really blog. I'm sorry lovelies...
with love,
~Ell

Flu...

This is will be the End Product.
If I don't Start now, then when?

So temp around 102
Sick: yes
Sore/Fatigue/Aching: yes
vomiting: yes

Flu: YES

I feel very ick....I know incredibly eloquent right?
On the plus side I had a sort a binge day, but do to throwing up I weight a little less than what I weighed this morning, and now I am to nauseas to eat, or drink. So win/win except for my stomach is giving me fits. Suppose I deserve it. Considering the time, and that I still can't get my fever to break I am going to have to miss class...Hopefully she will let me make up the quiz.

I'm in sorta oh hum mood honestly. I have been disappointed with my caloric intake lately...So I think It will benefit me to spruce up the way I feel about my self with a fast...possibly through thanksgiving...wouldn't that be lovely.

Oh you terrible holiday. I am thankful for so many things yes, but the killing of thousands and thousands of indians not really one of them.

I hope you all are lovely.

with love,
~Ell

Oh what can I say? Yes it is a wonderful, devious, ingenious idea.

So I learned in nutrition that one pound of fat has 3,500 calories. This gave me a wonderful, devious, ingenious idea.
Simple
Work out for 3 hours: 1800 cals in the am
keep my intake round 550 calories
keep up my with my studies. Finals are not even a month a way.
Then go for my usual nightly swim. (around 500 cals).

My BMR: 1,550 calories

BMR is how many calories your body needs if you were to lay completely still all day to maintain you current wait. Essentially its the calories your body needs to preform basic physiological functions, breathing, heart beating, metabolism, producing atp, digesting nutrients ect.

So if I eat 550 calories,
Just being alive: 1,000 calories
working out in the am: 1,800 calories
Swimming: 500 calories

That would mean equal a burn of 3,300 a day. 
So I know what your thinking your 200 calories short?!

But in reality, I actually need 2,000 (who could eat that much) Calories to  maintain my body weight once you factor in my lifestyle, (Geez nutrition is the best class I have ever taken). I get professional advice with out even having to pay for it, (well I do have to pay for it, but its tuition vs a doctor bill)

So if anyone would like me to figure your BMR or daily caloric needs I would be happy too!
Also if you are following me and I am not following you just tell me, I love you and appreciate you all so much, I would hate not to follow you, and give you the same support!

with love,
~Ell

Never land. (this is me being way to honest)

If it there were no dreams I wouldn't know how to survive.

I would be stuck in the dull gloomy life, that I have destroyed. I would like to say it isn't fair, and that I have done nothing to deserve the impeding hopelessness that seizes me in the night, and holds on until daw.

I built these steels wall around my heart and mind so shouldn't I be able to dismantle them? 

But I built them years ago and the mortar is an unknown material that doesn't let go. It is made up of self hatred, loathing, and dreams of becoming strong, no, perfect. I weaved the walls around my mind, no, heart maybe both of steel. Laboring for years.

But no that is not what made them strong....

 These walls are made of magic. These walls have been preserved with a voice that spoke magic incantations. A voice who lied he let me believe he was my only friend.

In reality he was my enemy. I cannot blame him, for all of the things that have been stolen from me, because I choose to let him in. 

I'm the the true thief, the girl who didn't say no.

But wasn't I always taught to listen?  

My childhood is gone. My childhood is irretrievable, gone forever... but is this how the rest of my life will be spent in fear of...

being a disappointment?

He doesn't tells me to try harder when I admit my failures,

he knows...he tells me "I'm the failure"

My mind skips to the beat of his drill sergeant voice. 

I could never leave him. Then I would be...

alone?  

with love, 

~Ell

Hello lovely...Head space cleared

So my absence yes long. Sorry about that I wasn't really gone though I was stalking you from a far. Creepy I guess. But in my absence I did some soul searching and found I want these things
1. To be happy with the way I look (skin and bones)
2. To live life to the fullest, enjoy it, take risks (this will require confidence which requires me to be skin and bones)
3. To be successful (I can devote so much more time to school when I can stop spending my time loathing myself, and working on drastic plans to get to skin and bones).
4. To Be HAPPY. (this will require me to look like I am skin and bones)

So I devised a plan starting at 12:00am I will fast until saturday. Where I will then implement my new diet I devised.
It may have been thought of before, but to me it is bran new and something I created.
So here is how it goes:
-You Eat Yourself thin. (weird but just hear me out)
1. You eat 6 meals a day.
2. The meals cannot contain more calories than you ultimate goal weight.
3. You must drink half your body weight in water. (Tea and coffee do not count)
4. Take your multivitamin, and fish oil, and b complex so your hair and complexion stay beautiful.
5. Exercise twice a day. (morning and night to speed up your metabolism)

So applying to my life this will mean:
my meals can be no bigger than 98 calories
and I will run in the morning and swim and the evening.

It feels so good to be back I missed you all a lot.
with love,
~Ell

"Can't you feel it?"

"What?" 

"Happiness."