Spinning

I'm spinning. I purged. I had to after a binge what choice am I left with my goal although it may be less or more for right now is 90 by may. I can do it if I just try I have before and then I can actually feel like I have found some level of success. I just have to find the want. And this key is moderation, eating enough so I can go to the gym twice a day eating enough so I can sleep. I need to do this and I will do this if I just do it moderately. I'm spinning so much in my head right now I can hardly think. Purging is not a life I want anymore. Restricting is so much easier if I just moderate and ease back into it. Not that I'm sure if anyone cares at this point, my family is at a loss and honestly do am I. I feel very much alone.

with love,
ell

Going back to treatment as an failing alumni....

It's 9:30am here and oh my goodness I am so sore. I lifted yesterday and I can honestly say my arms might very well fall off. I benched 90 which is ironic because that was I weighed the first time I sought treatment. I miss that so much.

In other news I had lost 2lbs yesterday at bed time from the weight I woke up at which is always a wonderful feeling!

Today is cardio one of my favorite days, because I know it will help work the soreness out. Food wise I'm not a hundred percent what I'm doing I just know it will be involving coffee!

Oh and yesterday one of my friends from treatment called and she wants to go back for an alumni meeting which on one hand I want to go and say hi to everyone, and go explore a couple of big towns on the way, get some adventuring in with one of my closes friends. The other I don't want to risk being told its time to go back into treatment...

I'll probably go just hate the possible risk, and disappointing my team.

with love,
ell

Losing again...

Today has been productive and finally I feel like I am on my way to getting things the way they need to be. Finished a paper, deep cleaned my whole apartment, we are talking bleached the grout, scrubbed the trim deep clean.it feels and looks so much better!

Now only to read 6 chapters by Friday...I hate when I procrastinate. But it must be done

In food news yesterday was terrible, I actually consumed my treatment like meal plan, but it felt so wrong and terrible like everything in my body was saying no you can't do this to me. So I took some laxatives and purged what I could and will make up for it in exercise during my 3 hour break from classes today.  

I did end up losing 2lbs which was really nice, but still feel that gross food feeling.

Two things I'm wondering if anyone is even interested in, I was thinking about posting a pic of vmy weight/progress pic at on march1st, and also possibly doing some YouTube videos... I have been watching a lot of Lilly Lucy's videos and granted she has a fantastic accent which only makes it that much more amazing her videos are great!  so if anyone thinks either of those might be of interest or help please let me know?

Also the videos would probably be mostly about my workouts, food diary, treatment, daily life stuff etc.  or anything else anyone wanted.

Okay back to being productive. Does anyone else think that living off of coffee is easier than living off water...coffee seems so much more filling sometimes.


With love,
ell

Things since treatment

So many things have happened. To many things to process...but I am now more appropriately fitting into my age group. I have only lost 12lbs of the weight I gained in treatment. I could lose 70lbs and it still wouldn't feel like enough.

I have lost so many things since this time last year but I feel like I have gained more of the things that I need...here I am blessed beyond measure but still fighting an relentless eating disorder.

Running is calling at my soul again. I'm afraid I'm stepping into my running shoes and might destin myself back in treatment, or possibly I'll stop at happiness and moderation. I suppose we will see. I am back.

with love,
ell