recovery....quasi recovery....not recovered at all

Today one of my good friends messaged me. We met in treatment a few years ago. She proceeded to tell me how great her relationship with food and exercise had become, and that she was finally accepting herself. I couldn't have been more happy for her...only till we started really talking did I see she was completely deluding her self.

Recovery is not counting every bite you take, it is not constantly trying to manipulate your body to a lower weight than it naturally rests at, it is not eating one piece of chocolate and running and doing leg lifts to make up for being "care-free" and "indulging."


I am no where near perfect recovery. Not even a little bit. Almost half of all my thoughts (if not more) revolve around food and my body image. I have a running total of calories in my head at any given moment not just from what I am eating, but what others around me are eating. But the difference between my friend and I, is tragically simple.

She believes these thoughts and behaviors are perfectly normal, and that even more this will be apart of a healthy recovered lifestyle, at best this is what they call quasi recovery.

I know I toe a very delicate line of quasi recovery and full on relapse. I hate it. I challenge my self, battle myself every single day. I panic about the future and if this is the life I will lead forever because this is not a fulfilling life I want.

I want to replace the running total of calories in my head with research ideas, replaying my favorite adagios for strings, quotes from documentaries, dreams for what I will eventually achieve, and most importantly I want to love myself for the beautiful creation God made me to be.

So if you like my friend believe yourself to be in recovery ask yourself this: what are your thoughts obsessing over most of the day? When was the last time you appreciated your body for the way it looks, and what it does for you on a daily basis? Do you have to compensate when you deviate from your meal plan or do you just embrace food as one of life's simple (okay not so simple 99.9% of the time) pleasures? Are you actively trying to change your body or do you exercise with a respectful attitude towards yourself and health?

Now last question: Do you want to be living and believing these same things about yourself ten years from now?

Okay I lied one more: If you have a daughter and she felt the exact same way you feel about yourself on a daily basis would it break your heart or would you be proud of her for loving and respecting herself?

So challenge yourself with one tiny thing today. Embrace change, and fight like hell because this self-deprecating mockery of a life is not a life but a prison and isn't what you deserve.

with love,
~ell

the best news (entirely and completely sarcasm)

The best news! My depression his setting record lows and I cannot seem to break the vicious cycle that is on repeat in my head.

It doesn't help that something I wanted so much, needed even completely fell through. Even though I did handle it gracefully in the moment (or at least the best I could given what a huge wave of disappointment I was drowning in) I was met with only criticism and even a bit of projected anger for their own mistake.

Making me defensive, but yet I am the one who was attacking and lashing out. I never realized how much I crave the approval and accreditation from others until I consistently don't get it from someone.

I try so very hard to be enough, to behave the way they want, to be independent, but even when I am nailing it flawlessly for days the next mistake I make is the first comment I receive on my behavior.

Oh but if I try to be that critical of anyone else's behavior it is me attacking them, or not being understanding, or me not caring at all.

Not to say I am not grateful for the many relationships I have in my life, but geez sometimes I just need them to quit caring about telling me how wrong I am and just give me some credit for the other 99 things I get right.

On top of all those feelings. I just had a fight with my mother, and I now have zero desire for Christmas.

Sorry for ranting, sorry I wasn't more uplifting. But I do want to say thank everyone who reads this. Thank you for being you and for trying your hardest, even if you fail, because you are enough.

with love,
~ell

therapy

I started with a new therapist. It is okay...

honestly it really hasnt changed much but i just started.  I sometimes just want to feel really and truly treasured.

Once in a while just that one little thing that is out of the way, the extra mile, that shows how much they care.

I don't know. It is stupid. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to do those things for me, honestly I don't even value me that much...so I guess that is fair.

Just still sings.

Lots of things honestly hurt.

with love,
~ell

I want to matter

I want to matter...
in my relationships
in my field
in my own eyes

I want people to consider my thoughts, my concerns, my desires, and my vision. I am not saying blindly agree, but just really felt considered.

Something that is resonating with me lately is how can anyone consider me, if I will not even consider myself.

I cannot self destruct like a ticking time bomb and then wonder why no one came to me for council.

I am not saying I started loving myself overnight, or that it even got easier but I am saying I can see where I should be heading in terms of self acceptance, or maybe its just more motivation towards self acceptance.

with love,
~ell

Thoughts...

My head spins so fast sometimes...I feel this inexplicable throbbing in my chest saying I am not doing enough, not getting enough done. It taunts saying your not fooling anyone, no one believes you, and we are all just waiting for this facade glass house to crash so they can leave while I am left to my rubble of what I wanted to be, but never really was.

Working out has been hard. The motivation isn't there like it used to be. I think its because I am afraid to run outside, so I am confined to my parents dark house.

Honestly everything has been a little hard. Thinking, managing my anxiety, being responsible in general.

I am just so ready to be away from my parents house. School to start, have somewhere I have to be, someone who loves me every day by my side, even if he is angry with me... I just want to be happy and not here.

I wish my life was on a different path, but wishes don't pay bills, or make day dreams reality. They are just pointless thoughts if you don't have ambition, and its not like I don't... I really do have ambition, I just don't see many possibilities of it becoming a reality.

So I feel trapped, trapped in my head, trapped in my home, trapped in my life...

At the  same time I feel hopeful, I hope it won't always be this way...it can't right?

with love,
~ell

wants...

I want to be desired...

I want to feel worthy of being desired...

I am loved and appreciated and valued...

But I want to be passionately pursued...

When he looks at me I want him to think,
"Damn how did I get so lucky? Of all the people in the world she choose me. Waiting for her was the best thing I ever did, but now she is here and I am not going to waste a second showing her how much I want her to be mine."

Stupid maybe, but that is how I feel about him...

I don't believe I love him more, I just think I desire him more...

And it hurts, but I also don't feel worthy of that much desire either...

Starting the master cleanse tomorrow and very much looking forward to it.
I'll update my thoughts on it later.

Also I am trying to find active blogs, people who post semi regularly. If any of you do just leave any old comment, a number, a letter, an emoji, anything and I would love to follow you back!

with love,
ell

to much...

I have been through to much...
I have done to much...
I am to much...
I haven't been through enough
I haven't done enough...
I am not enough...


The never ending cycle waging its war in my head. The sides both fighting for the same destruction keeping in a perpetual state of confusion. One bomb after another, blowing apart my self esteem, self assurance...

Arguing which I deserve, and which I have not earned.

How can I feel to much and not enough at the same time...How can I hurt so much, but believe I deserve this...

I don't want to need...

I don't need...

I need to be more independent...

I am to needy...

I want to be better...for me, for them, for him, for everyone

I just need to get it together...

with love,
~ell

Crave

Disclaimer: I am loved alot. More than I ever could deserve, but tonight this is where my thoughts are leading me to the haunted hallow void that I can't ever seem to run away from.

He doesn't talk to me like her, he is playful, but when I say I love you you can hear it. It is subtle but it has subtly been whittling away at me my whole life.

My soul hurts. I have so many friends who are walking down the aisle, their dad's face look like the sun radiating joy and love.

My dad can't even talk to me for 30 minutes in the car.

It's not his fault he truly does the best he can I believe.

It is his.

He ran away.

He didn't want me.

The void he left is usually vaguely covered with a layer of fog. Always present, but just out of sight enough it is easier to ignore.

My dad connects with my sister, and on our family trip to DC laughed and joked with my cousin. He loved talking to her.

She is pretty, professional, and has it together. At least that's what he sees. He doesn't know she drinks her bank accounts into the negatives on a regular basis, fails classes, and rarely gets cleaned up. All stuff my dad would be endlessly disappointed for, but that is not the cousin he sees. He sees a preppy, funny, beautiful girl.

All of the things which she is. The truth is I am not jealous of her at all. I love my cousin, and my sister for that matter. I really am so different from both of them I just don't often compare myself to them except now.

He shows them so much love in the obvious way, he jokes with them.

I crave that father daughter bond. I crave any bond with my parents at this point.

I am trying so hard to be what they will be proud of, but it is never good enough.

I study to much/I am not trying. I have got to eat/I am eating them out of house and home. I need to take care of myself/I try to hard and need to be less anxious....

Anxious?!

ME ANXIETY?

Why would I possibly have any anxiety and feel like I am constantly on pins and needles in front of my family?

The void he left me with when he ran away hurts more than I can fathom. I don't really know why I need to feel that kind of love from my parents.

Is it innate craving, because how can you crave something you have never really had?

Maybe love is like a drug. I had one exposure to a weaker parental love and affection, and so now I crave that bigger and better love.

with love,
ell

The most rambling post that you will ever read

Everything stresses you out. Getting dressed in the morning is so overwhelming. Nothing fits. It all looks horrible on you which is ironic, because when you bought it everyone told you how great it looked, and let's be honest you asked at least 3 different people. Shopping is its own rant entirely, because yes you know exactly what you want, it may even be a great deal, but the sheer thought of how it looks on you...what if it accentuates your thighs or curves or makes your arms look bigger, what if it looks great? And then how can that be possible because your are size 2, 26 waist and all of you is to much. 

You flutter between 120's and sometimes on a bad bad day you creep all the way up to 130 again...so how can anything look good on me...I used to be a lovely weight, and I also used to be a sickly weight. I don't want to be sickly again. 

My dietician and therapist agree and say the lowest for my height they would consider safe is 117...I don't know that still seems...I just feel at 115 I would feel a lot more safe and more comfortable...I mean honestly I am not even supposed to know my weight, or my targets. That was the plan to give me 'comfort' and 'freedom' after therapy...More like send me into a full blown panic... But most of my goals and coping mechanisms I decided on in treatment have fallen by the way side....so yes I keep digressing and jumping around but it will continue...

 I have my first therapy session next week, and its been a while. So maybe just maybe things will be okay...I just have to survive my family trip to Washington D.C....

It's intimidating the idea alone. I am not sure how I will handle the trip honestly. I love my family, but they are going through a lot...They are a continual emotion roller coster. They hurt one another unintentionally most of the time, my mom is excited which is great she hasn't seemed this happy about anything in a long time. I am rooming with my sister which scares me....

She is a sweet caring and wonderful person to everyone, but me. I don't know why she just seems so put out with me most of the time. I mean I am older than her, and I feel like I am the one not good enough to be around....

And I am just idk I hate being in photos, and it will be photo central...

Why can't I just be excited...I am actually only taking comfort in the fact that they will have a gym, and my parents will not want to go out and eat that often so that will be perfect for being able to not worry so much about eating so I won't feel as much pressure to purge hopefully.   

I hate purging, it makes me feel drained and unable to focus, it hurts me, it hurts my loved ones, it controls what I can and cannot do sometimes trying to find 

I really am stressed...I just want it to go well, I don't want to hurt or dissapoint any one...Food is becoming hard, and challenging. I hate dealing with this. I hate running and working out, and running some more, then eating a normal (honestly less than normal most of the time) meal plan and then feeling anxiety. 

Being home is proving to be more stressful than school....I just don't want to slide, I don't want to start purging 3-4 times a day every day again. I don't want to end up back in treatment. I am just...I am lost...

Thoughts?

with love, 

ell

breathing...

I am breathing...
I am here...
I feel inadequate...
I feel like a disappointment....
I feel afraid...

I honestly feel like I should be better. I want to be good enough. I never feel like I am enough. I can do better. I will do better. Everyone in my life deserves better for me.

with love,
Ell

Fake it till you can't anymore...just rambles....

Its rainy and stormy here...I suppose that is a good thing because it matches the way I am feeling...Just shadowed and gray, and the tears match the wet marsh that is my parents back yard...

I start a new job tomorrow...this is my first new job that I have started since I was about 16. I mean I have worked other places during the school year, but I depend on my summer job so this really is a big and important switch...I am afraid. I am scared. I just want to keep my head down do a good job, and move on.

Living at home has so far been as bad as I expected. I found out that my dad has been taking business trips every other week because he doesn't want to be around my mom.

My sister has made me feel awful since getting back. We have seen each other 5 times this year. 1) Fall break 2) Thanksgiving 3) Christmas 4) random weekend 5) when my cousin came back from the marines.

She refuses to hug me, talk to me when we ride in the car together (30 minutes both ways), and she has made me feel nothing but terrible about not having finished school yet.

I feel my self slipping. I have no one to talk to. I was at such a low point today I told my dad today of all people (because the man is wonderful and a great dad, but we just have a strained relationship and sometimes I feel like I am just in the way/not good enough/a disappointment, and just not someone I have really ever felt I could talk to) but today I told him I was slipping I am afraid. He just looked at me and said he knows this summer will be hard, but that I am stronger and I will do great. He then told me I never deserve to feel this alone, because who couldn't not love me faults and all.

I cried when he left. That is the nicest thing he has ever said, but I cried because I don't feel that way. I don't feel like people accept me faults and all. I feel like I am an after thought, that I want to much from people, I need them to much, and they don't need me. I feel like I almost want to binge on affection the way I binge on food, but I never want to purge the affection.

It scare me how much I need people, one person in particular. I love him. I text him. I call him. I bother him to much. I need him.

I am strong and independent and if for the worst most awful thing were to ever happen and he and I were no more, I know I would be okay. I honestly don't know how I could ever be whole again, but I would be okay. I know this so I do not feel like a pathetic teenage girl who believes they need someone to be happy, but I do love him and he is such a huge part of my life that brings me joy.

And that scares me, and it makes me excited because the fear and anticipation and the joy means it is real. That it is the most valuable thing in my life.

But what if he doesn't feel the same. I mean what if the loneliness I feel is because he is pulling away. What if he realizes that he doesn't have to deal with this and me....

so I'm slipping. so I'm spinning, and I am not sure how to stop. I don't know how to fight this loneliness I feel, and it's not a just oh i'm sad I'm lonely.

It hurts, I feel cold inside. I feel gray, I feel a storm of emotions that I hide because I honestly have no one to talk to about it, and at night I water my pillow with tears trying to grow dreams of a warm home, being held every night, feeling like I am no longer in the way, and that I am valued, desired, more than good enough, the best part of their day.....those dreams have the potential for coming true just not in this home. If only I were better at being patient, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard to not mind not being wanted right now, because I know in the near future I would be have a home with the man of my dreams.

The man I am with now. The man who I love. If only being patient were easier for me.

So right now I am slipping, I am fighting it, but its hard. Food is hard. Life is hard. Missing him is the hardest.

with love,
~ell

Lonely

It's summer! I am so relieved to have another semester over. But the harsh loneliness of home is undeniable. Truth is I felt it's ever creeping feeling looming towards me this last few weeks of the semester, and now it's here inescapable. I have family who love me very much, a wonderful home to come back to, and friends who come back for the summers too...so why do I feel so alone...


Truthfully I have physically, metaphorically, and emotionally lost so many homes since I was 16 i don't think any place will ever really feel like home again. But knowing this I'm still left homesick for a place that doesn't exist...

But I have honestly feel maybe my home will never be a place for me, but a person...someone who feels more safe and comforting and exciting than any other place on earth.

I dunno part of me feels like that is dangerous to feel safe in someone because people change, they lie, don't do what they say they will, but maybe just this once it won't happen. Maybe there are other people who believe in being attentive and thoughtful in those small ways that really are insignificant but mean everything to me. In so many ways I know he values and upholds those same qualities, but it is scary... I know this one is the real never get over your whole world has changed kind of love, and more than anything I just don't want to lose it or mess it up.

When did happily ever after start feeling so scary to believe in? And is it scary because you know when have found it you fear losing it more than you fear dying because that connection is the strongest earthly bond you ever experienced?

With love,
ell

Lazy sunday...

Sunday should be homework day, that would only be applicable if I had homework to do so instead I'm spending it lost inside the endless rambling of my head. I want to be beautiful, non-intrusive, not crude, or laugh to loud, or annoy, or an inconvenience, or just in the way. I don't want to be perfect because I'm not entirely sure what perfect means to me. I want to be thin, I want to be happy, I want to be intelligent, confident, reserved, and allowed to spend my life locked away inside a book. Happy to enjoy my whole life reading and devouring great literary works while slowly sipping coffee and curled up in a chunky knit sweater traveling the world with the love of my life, taking on new adventures, and discovering secret thrills we will remember for the rest of our lives.


Instead I sit in a dorm room in an ativan fog, a drug I apparently can benefit from even though I hate that it makes me cry, takes hours and hours to wear off, and leaves me feeling like a zombie. It still doesn't change the fact that I can't seem to get my thought off the scary number of calories I consumed at breakfast, and pray that tomorrow the scale will be just a little less even though I am consuming what feels like just absurd amounts of calories even though it is less than my recovery meal plan and normal for most people. I hate the fear that dictates my life, the gloomy melancholy feeling that is sitting at the edge of my mind ready to cast its dreary shadow the moment I let my guard down, or the anxiety that is bubbling in my chest.

I am not unhappy please don't be mistaken. I am overwhelmed. And right now I need to vent about the stuff that is negative because who vents about all the wonderful stuff they have going on in their lives.

Sorry if this post feel scattered, and less than overjoyed. I will try to do better tomorrow.

with love,
ell

Breathe 1, 2, 3...breathe

I can't breathe. I know physically I am breathing, but my chest hurts, I feel like I'm drowning, I know I can make it, I will be okay...but it's not like that right now. I feel overwhelmed with nothing and everything. I just need to breathe...keep breathing.
It will be okay...

I hate this. I hate anxiety or feeling down. It makes me feel ungrateful for everything I have going in my life.  Everyone in my life is beyond wonderful to me, I have a loving family, amazing boyfriend that goes beyond any expectations I could have, good friends even if they live too far away. But yet I feel alone, and like I'm walking on cracking glass.

Breathe.
One
Two
Three
Breathe.

I'm safe.

I am okay.

with love,
Ell

Meloncholy at best...late night rambling

I can't really explain it, I never can...it doesn't happen often but when it does words escape me leaving me a heap of useless emotions that I can't quite comprehend or understand let alone express rationally so that anyone else can get a glimpse of endless noise screeching in my head and the weight pressing me down while fighting to tether myself to anything that feels permanent so I don't float away.
This feeling is both something familiar and scary at the same time. I suppose the two are not mutually exclusive from each other, something can be familiar and terrifying at the same time I suppose.

But is it really terrifying? Is it really that scary? Death would be a very big adventure, so yes naturally that would be scary, plus despite the thoughts about it I am far from that level of depression. I just have a more constant feeling of melancholy. I'm an upbeat person so this is hard for me...it makes everything seem off, and I'm afraid of others around me becoming concerned so I try my hardest to be upbeat and positive as much as I can. I have so many blessings in my life and I hate the thought of any of them to  think they have in some way caused me to feel this way or could or should be doing something to change the way I feel.

The truth is no one made me feel this way, no one wasn't there for me, no one hurt me, or let me down in any way. I have pain deep rooted that still hurts that occasionally contributes to my endless pursuit to be enough, but I don't think that's it either. I can't explain it, the way I feel doesn't make any sense and is maddening. I care both to much and not at all about the future. I'm so ready for it to be here but I'm petrified of growing up when I still feel so childish sometimes. I am so passionately in love and so completely loved by the most wonderful man I will ever know but despite the security and comfort he makes me feel, I'm so afraid of making a mistake or driving him away with how dark my head can be. I hate how afraid I am, I hate fearing the darkness around me. I hate knowing it might not be as dark as the inside of my head. When did the monsters under our bed become less scary than the ones that live in our head? When did the fear of not being enough and simultaneously too much start controlling my life? And maybe when or the why is not nearly as important as how to get away...

So melancholy at best, but at least I can take heart knowing this will pass just rather lonely waiting. How can it not be if I can't even understand it myself, but I am ready for sooner rather than later.

Enough late night rambles

With love,
ell

Will I crush it before it Crushes me?

I have so much on my heart and my mind. I am constantly battling my healthy self vs. my eating disordered self every meal, every minute alone, every thought is somehow tied to either avoiding screwing up, how to rectify a situation if I do screw up, what is the healthiest choice, is the healthy choice really healthy or is that my eating disorder trying to convince me it is the healthy choice.

I wish my eating disorder wasn't so loud, I wish it was easy to see it as a bad habit needing to be changed, and if it wasn't for the severity of it, the fact life does revolve around nutrition so it is unavoidable, and the seriousness of the consequences that result from the eating disorder I might see it that way. But in some ways that seems like I am taking the matter lightly, and I know myself if I see something as less than pressing it will not get accomplished. So right now just as my eating disorder consumes my every thought I have to try and make my recovered balanced voice become just as prevalent and loud if not louder.

It is just scary right now. I am afraid. I am in a fragile state that honestly feels temporary. I am just working on making it permanent, but I think knowing how easy it is to fail is what makes it feel so fleeting.

And truth be told the small amount of behaviors I am abstaining from is nowhere close to where I should be, where I need to be. I just don't want to go back to prison treatment.

Treatment

Again

Two scary scary words...hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!

with love,
~ell

what it is...

I have thought a lot about what I want this to be... it's never been pro ana or whatever, because any one pro-eating disorder, is deluded beyond comprehension. It's a disease, an all encompassing life changing disease, not some quick fix to the battle of the bulge but rather the most deadly of all psychiatric diseases. It is not a privileged child's plea for attention, it is a coping skill born out of a time of stress and turmoil that in the beginning may have seemed like a good idea because who doesn't want to be thin, this america after all?! Isn't that beauty? No, but that's what our endless messages urging us to lose 10lbs in a week without trying, or 6 tricks to a flat stomach would suggest, granted despite being completely inundated with messages of changing your body to be enough or rather less I guess because enough would suggest that you were trying to do more achieve more, and here clearly the message must be less there are just a few ever so lightly sprinkled in messages about inner beauty and loving yourself, but which is easier to identify with the excessive relentless messages conveying that to be enough we must be less or the few and far between messages that yes you may in fact be not so horrible?!

But I digress, this is not and will never be a pro-eating disorder or pro-disease blog of any kind, that makes about as much sense as a pro-cancer or pro-epilepsy blog. They are all awful, all encompassing disease that can eventually cause death, so then what kinda blog is this to be? Will I post my intake, my dietary goals, my 2:00am insomniac rants? Probably! Or my thoughts on life, what it means, and how mine is changing for the good and better? Completely!

This is my journal or sorts. I write to relieve stress and to have record of what I thought, and if anyone out there can feel encouraged or less alone by my struggles then I'm glad this is here. If they can't then I understand and I hope you can bypass this with no harm done, because in honesty this is just a place for me to put to rest the restless thoughts that ring in my head and feed the flames of anxiety always burning in my chest, putting off flames that cloud my vision, scrambling the voices, that should blanket and stomp out my anxiety, with the hissing noise of the flames and the faint fire alarm because somewhere deep inside me I know this is not right, and some part of me is warning to get out find shelter and safety. But in the smoke things get hazy and directions become confusing and purging can easily put out the fires for now, far more quickly than searching for those scrambled voices of those who love you and care for you, one of which is your own, but that's the most scrambled at all. So for awhile indecision may not seem so awful, let the smoke and flames encompass you and take you over, but eventually you will break, you will not be able to keep it at bay any longer and you will have to choose a fork in the road that is quite literally life or death?

Right now I am trying to choose life...

Its rocky very very rocky and I am still dictated and controlled by the scale and lower is always better, but I am trying to purge less and eventually none. And only eat whole foods, things that won't send me into panic. It's not perfect but I am trying.

Recently my safe foods have been:
Breakfast is: chia seed pudding with nuts and fruit
green drink made with frozen kale, apples, aloe juice (its very healing to the esophagus) and blueberries, I want to add ginger and lemon to this
lunch is spinach, sesame seeds, tomatoes, eggs, peppers
dinner is black beans, rice, salsa, and guacamole

the hardest is snacks and when I have the munchies, drinks right now are water, almond milk, and coffee/tea. I may cut out the coffee for a little while I am not sure I really like it, but I'm just not sure?
I don't think this is the most wonderful list of safe foods, but their are some challenges in their like eggs, guacamole, and nuts. But they are whole foods and I am being kind to my body, I work out and don't sleep which needs to be the next thing that gets addressed, all in due time. Other things that I am okay with are lara bars and sweet potatoes. I am trying and I will get better. It's not about being perfect, but never giving up.

with love,
~ell

Its been awhile...

I have never been consistent with anything, not with this blog, not with my eating disorder, not with my relationships, not with life...not with anything other than the goal to feel better, to be better, to be enough.

I am never enough. I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough, delightful enough, eloquent enough, carefree enough, disciplined enough.

I know in some capacity I am all of those things, but am I enough of if and in the right capacity?

How can you ever know? How can you ever accept yourself for who you are and what you will become, while balancing and striving the desire to be better.

I start another new university tomorrow, without having really cut ties with the old one. I have the most wonderful man in my life, that is a healthy and dynamic relationship that makes me want to be more and to try harder. Yet I still feel alone to some degree...

Some nights the loneliness is worse than others, and thats when my eating disorder is my biggest comfort. The ever present companion that is poises itself as a gentle caretaker encouraging me to seek refuge in its ever cold embrace, but its disguise as delicately crafted as it is, never fulfills me and leaves me lonelier and destitute craving companionship and love more than ever before, but unable to accept it because how could anyone that damaged deserve such connectedness let alone seek it out?

I have been just as sick if not sicker at times than I have ever been before. I cannot promise I will be back. I am indeed happier, more afraid but definitely happier at this point in my life than I have ever been. I do not want to go to treatment, but I do not know how to let go of this awful all encompassing disease.

with love,
ell