Here...where ever this is

I'm alive (I think)...for anyone who cares...I don't think I do anymore...

with love,
~Ell

One more day... I can do this!

One more midterm
-3 more major products
-10 more discussion
-one more paper
-a bazillion pages left to read...
Trying to start studying for my midterm that is at 8:am tomorrow morning.

But you lovelies were calling to me...
I'm so ready for it to be over. Anatomy and physiology went well. I think I missed around 3...wanted to do better...now to conquer this stupid dev. midterm....

I can do this. I will do this...
Really should get started...
Oh and I will right after I tell you my plan till saturyday (maybe longer idk yet)
-diet zevia (0) cals,
-emergenC (25) cals (their vitamins, with high dose of b12 (for energy) and vitamin c (help me fight off this on coming flu/cold I have coming on)
-green tea: (0)
-coffee: (2)

workout as much as I can take, and let this hell like shell I'm stuck in fall to ground so I can be free...

hope your well!
with love,
~Ell

Good. (short post)

intake: 600 cals
Output: 604 plus abs (100 sit ups, 50 pushups)

Good. Will post more soon! These midterms are kicking my booty! Should be hard since there is so much to kick...

with love,
~Ell

pathetically horrific...

Fighting, binge, ecstatic, erratic...depressed...

I have always battled with depression, being an outcast, left to live in your own warped and twisted headspace can do that to you...
Intake was horrible...I will hopefully maintain...where I was at this morning...
Total intake was: 1280...
Really
REALLY
REALLY....
.....
......
Pathetic! 
I will do better tomorrow...depression...depression...go away come again another day...

your wonderful!
with love,
~Ell

Deep breath...(really you don't have to read this)

So midterm over for this week, two more to go. I'm freaking as we blog ;) sitting in starbucks avoiding home, feeling completely irrational...I don't get it I'm just upset. Lets look at my intake maybe this will elude as to why?!
Breakfast:
coffe (8)
protein shake (100)
Lunch:
thai noodles (175) 
Dinner:
Jello (10)
Starbucks: skinny caramel soy mocchiato (140)

Total:
434 calories

Yes I realize this is fine, not great, but fine. It's just my workout...I thought I would be able to work off 1000 cal, but no I burt:
748 cals....That is nothing not even 800...I am just suck a fuc*ing fat *itch!!!!

I don't know what is going on why, i'm being irrational...at the gym I was down another lb from my post binge weight. I just...I'm overwhelmed a little depressed. College. makes me stressed. Life makes me stressed.
(I'm really sorry if you reading this)

This is how pathetic I am:
Nearly got slammed into by an suv who was drive irrationally fast almost hit me in the cross walk, literally cars were honking at her and the genius that she was she looked the opposite way that she was driving?!?
I literally could have hear her smacking her stupid gum! But you know what the first thought came to me was, "wow I'm going to die fat" the next thought (this i'm embarrassed to admit) "if she hit me I wouldn't have minded..."

Oh and yet instead of realizing how quick and fragile life is, I went back to sulking for missing two on my midterm...I know i'm f*ed up...

I just want perfection, happiness, surely this will get me there right?! In the 7th grade when I was this height 5'4'' (not growing in 6 years=pathetic) and almost 90lbs...I was happy elated even. sure my peers hated me...and the only time anyone talked to me was if they were asking me for diet tips (which I never gave) or making fun of me for my sheltered home life!? Before they threw me in prison  rehab...

I will be happy. confident. successful. thin.

On another note. I'm not sure if I believe in frienship, bff, friends, or any of those other lies...I think there only people who use you to make themselves feel better, popular, successful, and those that use you to help them do better in school/life/ect.

Now i realize not all friends are like this...but lets just say 99.8% (wow I'm being very grim, and fowl aren't I)

I'm sorry lovelies for the rant if you read it, I love you and if you didn't I love you all the same! This may be one of the few outlets that I feel free, and keeps me going.

I will look like THIS. I. Will. Be. Happy.

If i'm not following your blog leave me a comment. I do a lot of this from my phone so it make following  and seeing viewers difficult.

Be safe, take care,
with love,
~Ell

Please, Please make this stop. (warning rant)

I blacked out last night, in the bathtub, very scary! I was so numb I
couldn't move what the F?!
I have survived on less than 200 cals for years, while doing swim team?!
I blame it on age...okay I know 19 is not old but really wtf?
Sorry I'm just really upset because now everyone is all supicious, and I probably ate close to 2000 cals last night. Now really I would be lying to you if I said I was forced.

NO. Oh No...
The first meal yes it was a "eat this, in front of me, situation"
Everything after was a full on tears running, manic binge, I ate litteraly till I was puking and then well I freaked and took way to many laxitives.

Oh and get this wonderfullness?! my eyes are still all black and fuzzy?!
I ate, okay body, stop freaking out on me!!!

The good thing Is that I was punished which I needed to be. In other words I'm thank full for it. I put on that lb that I had lost. Which is horrifying, traumatizing, self harm inducing hard for me to accept, but I DESERVE it!
I was weak, lazy, horrid, and worst of all out of control?! What headspace was I in that allowed mindless binging!?!

That is the worst part. What headspace was I in? What if it happens again. Stop. I can't. I won't let it. I don't want to be on the binge purge marry-go-round again.

Sorry for the rant i'm calmer now, feel more capable of studying...binging just scares me...
I'll post my official intake later
But so far the plan:
b: coffee (8)
L: protien shake (100)
D: apple (68)

I have a date with the gym and sauna I need to punish myself...I want to burn at least a thousand of those calories I consumed.

Oh right now to study for that midterm.

Progress is progress!

So today I am down 1lb! I'll take it ;)
Before I get any further: 
What are your opinions on salt and sodium? specifically pertaining to weight loss? (if you have an opinion just leave a comment thanks) 


In other new my nutrition test went really well he tries to be so tricky on the wording using three similar answers and differentiating only one word...so i'm not going to make predictions on the grade yet, but I felt good about it.
This may be due to I'm about to get in a long soaking bubble bath after burning 523 calories during my work out and blogging while sipping on some hot tea, but it's probably a combination.
I'm just sorta relaxed and consciously aware of everything right now. I worked out hard burt 410 cals, then sat in the sauna to stretch out, and went for a little run/jog which felt really good, even though it was short and only burt 123 cals.
My intake: was
Breakfast:
1/4 latte: 26 cals
protein shake: 100 cals
Lunch:
apple 65 cals
lara bar: 200

I'm in the negative for now and to prevent a binge I made my self drink 60oz of water, take a bubble bath, blog, and drink hot tea before I can even think about food. I'm guessing dinner will be about 200 cals...
I can't wait till midterms are over and I can do a proper blog and really get to know everyone, and you me. So i'm not just some stranger that posts intake/output, and stats all the time!

Coffee: Because I live on it! 

Are her arms not incredible?! 

I love you all one more midterm this week! Stay strong my incredible friends!

with love,
~Ell

comment responses:
Charlie: thanks for the encouragement! I really needed those kind words they made my night increasingly better! And agreed stress makes me want to put on my go fasters (shoes) and RUN!!!

Sienna-rose: That was exactly what I need to do once I relaxed a little it was so much easier to prioritize! Deep breathing definitely was a need recommendation!  

Depressed-skinny-mess: you were right I spent more time on doing things that make me happy such as working out and drinking tea. I'm much more prepared to study for this next midterm!

well down 3bls...but aching all over (warning rant)

So I am down 3 lbs. I will post my stats in two weeks, mainly because I want to do some before and after stuff and give my blog a make over and I don't want to have to erase it all and do it again. So wow I have had a crazy week.

4 quizes
1 nutrion test
1 midterm
next week
 I have another project due
A paper
10 discussion posts due
1 anatomy midterm
1 speech and lang midterm

Now you may understand why I have been missing in action. I am stressed to the max i upped my cals to 800 thinking that would help me concentrate and so far no improvement. I am stressed to the point of tears, convolsive crying, and or flinging my self off the steps (not exactly a big jump, but i'm just plane desperate). I hate, hate, hate hate my body, my looks. I hate being so over whelmed I don't go to the gym or work out. I hate my inability to focus and concentrate. I hate that I procrastinate (like I am doing now).

I love you all, be back whenever I can. Oh btw I have been reading all of my followers blogs, a couple of them from their first post to their most current (procrastinating). If you want me to follow your blog just leave me comment and I would be happy to :)

how I feel: except huge

with love,
~ Ell

Life or what ever this is...

I'm transfering universities...they have a better premed program and I just want to succeed...I want to be a work in a nicu, with premies...I want to travel and do doctor's with out borders yes this does mean I will spend the majority of my 20's in med school. But it is worth it to me...I'm just nervous! The switch will probably put me a year behind, but I can't say I will regret it. I'm 19 knowledge at this point is always worth it. I just have to be confident and believe this is what's best for me...I will succeed!

To sienna rose: as you can see i'm sorta stress ball at times so my plan varies, some days but is very strict others.
On the strict days it is: I just try to keep it around 600 and depending on the work out somedays under 1,000
Breakfast: 1 protien shake
coffee
lunch:
1/2 cup rice
broccoli
bell pepper
dinner
4 oz of chicken or salmon
huge amount of veg
snack:
berries and apples
tea
walnuts

workouts:
Lap swim at 5:45
after class long run: 3-6 miles (will be more sooner)
speed work: 15 min (alternate this with abs or yoga)

So this is my general schedule. Somedays I demand more of my self than others, and my studies always demand a lot from me any way!

I love you all!!!!!!!!
I will post again soon!
with love,
~Ell