Never been done before

I will look like this.
No one can stop me.
No one can take this away from me.

Hello beautiful people I have not forgotten you. No really I am just a bad blogger. Add it to my list of faults.

Anyway lets get to the stats first shall we
intake: 500 cals. Pathetic.
out put: 0. Even more Pathetic.

Today was great for a sunday! like I said I did something I have never done before blew off my homework for and there is a quiz tomorrow. It is litterally worth one one-hunderth of my grade. but still I can't believe I am doing this...It doesn't feel as liberating as I imagined it in my head. I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my grades we will see if this doesn't almost send me to grave with worry tonight.

In other news my shaking as started up again which is just complete bull. I have been incredibly healthy lately eating fruits and veg, puls taking my vitamins and minerals!

Oh well just apart of my life choices I suppose. I'm feeling pretty happy. My ocd tendencies are coming into full swing and I'm picking up the house like a mad hatter, but I like things clean. More people need that problem.

In other news I'm going to start volunteering at the animal shelter a couple days a week. I think it will be good for me to help someone or something beside myself. Plus less time to be around food! :)

Well I have an early morning swim I need to get rested up for. Good night my wonderful and beautiful people!

Remember: we CAN reach our goals! we CAN be happy the choice is up to us!
with love,
Ell

Derailed

Intake: 575
Out put: yet to be determined

To day was weird started off fasting. Then ended up in a daze at chick fil a...Ended up doing 575 calories worth of damage...Stupid. Fat ass...Then weird my lips and hands started quivering big time...They are still a little shaky as I am typing. I'm not sure what is up.

Other than that giant hiccup and wave of disappointment in my self to day was not that bad. I have an assignment due in a couple hours and thankfully blogger is here to help me avoid it. :)

Anyway I found this whilst on my fitness pal ap. Someone posted it I thought it was cool so give it a go.
My words were:
1. elegant
2. peaceful
3. helpful
4. sweet

to be honest I saw help before helpful. So maybe they were saying I need help lol. I don't know.

Any way. Other than that I don't have
a lot to say other than I may go to the gym to swim tonight.

Oh and if your looking for good blogs here are my favorites! (They have the best people)

Depressed Skinny Mess

Wanting to live    


Christina    


Sienna Rose 


Hope your all having fantastic days!

with love,
~Ell

Life...it really stresses me out. I binged and I mean binged like I have not binged in a long time...it was probably 3000 calories. So I purged goes without saying... I feel like a balloon. Plus side it's rainy out side I am seriously procrastinating...

Not a lot to say other than thanks for the support on the last post! Oh and I have decided that being home is evil...it lends to binging and binging leads to suicidal thought self hatred etc.

~Ell

Song and silence

Hello truly wonderful people. I hope your lives are going well and your filling fullfilled with life's abundant surprises. My days have begun to run together and I'm not sure how much I appreciate that mythical father time. alas I have been trying to slow them down but as of yet I have failed. I may sound a little off my bassinet but that is due to lack of food, sleep, and all this literature my classes are prescribing. It is very soothing to read about someone else's problems. To see that even 300 years they battled the same troubles we do. Awwhhh blasted human nature it is a fickle beast. I think.

I'm not trying to be sick these days and kill my self but rather grow in discipline and use this time to heal and seek and find my relationship with God. (if your anti faith I respect that but please cut me the same respect) my church is doing the Daniel fast. Last year I did this and lost weight always great but I felt I really grew and found out about who I am in Christ and I felt just better almost I dare believe happy.

Granted this could be an over romanticized ideal view of the past.

Anyway I'm doing it again but this time I want to restrict a little further to only consuming healing foods. Apples cabbage soup tomatoes and celery.

I want health to be thin and happyness. I want to live a full life. I may struggle with Ed and depression. But I want to live a life that's fulfilling and pleasing to God more. I know I'm a terrible example of what a Christian should be and I don't pretend to be perfectos holy or even an example.

I am completely broken. But I am trying.

From this thought comes my title. When your utterly down and at you ends Witt I find that
music feeds your soul while silence stirs the imagination.

with love,
~ell

Tears not of Joy.

I suppose I should get over it. I binged making my intake around 1200 cals...I only worked of 600 cals. I'm afraid I'll gain. I'm afraid I'll never be happy. I want to be happy. Reaching my goals will make me happy. I can't keep living like this... that stupid adderall is saying take me. So alice and wonderland. I'm so tired of this bullshit...I should just flush that stupid adderall...I have thought that so many times but. I haven't...It scares me a little... F it I'm so sick of this. I didn't stick to the plan I know I'm not going to blown up over night. I just I'm so afraid. I so upset. Just...I hate it...

~Ell

So to help me stop crying...Some thinspo

no flow thinspo. yea another flaw...I don't know. I feel scared.

Some insight (with a pic)

A

Hello lovelys I'm sorry for the absences school has reared its ugly head to make my life more stressful.

here is my intake from Monday.
exercise 1113 cals
intake: 590
(app is my fitness pal really great and its free! )

Anyway like my title says I think I have gained some insight with my disorder oh.

First a little history.

My disorder started well I usually say 11, but as I was thinking this over it really started when I was 8 or nine. I was always the fat kid. My sister was always the petite porcelain doll with raven hair and beautiful blue eyes and of course red lips. I was the blond hair, blue eyed fat kid. It was lame, but I was always jealous of my little sister. She would walk into a room and made friends instantly, smart with out trying, could make the piano sing music that touched your soul, and she was athletic. I loved her adored her, but I felt very small and insignificant when she came along.

Oh right on with the story. Anyway like I said I was the fat kid who got teased immensely. Had zero friends. So my mom put me in swim team, and I was actually good for a change. Swimming was a sport of mental endurance. So I started working trying to get better, and I also started losing weight amazingly fast. In the summer of 4th grade (age 9)  I lost almost 30lbs. Then things progressed and I started cutting out the sweets and pop trying to show the world how much better I was and how was so healthy! Fifth grade (age 10) came and so did this demon like perfectionist. It came yelling screaming demanding me to make straight A's and to never bother my parents. To be perfect. This could be partly induced due to the fact my brother (an addict) was creating trouble left and right for them. My brother ran away end of my fifth grade year and my mom was beside herself.

Things were the same until the summer before my sixth grade year (age 11) my mom took me shopping going on and on about how easy I was to shop for because I was so slim. This was amazing I never had gotten that kind a of praise before! So when school started I stared eating my cereal from a coffee cup rather than a bowl, I skipped lunch at school, then went to a 2 hour swim team practice, and by the time I was done I was to tired to even eat half my meal let alone a full plate. I weighed 98lbs at 5'5'' before my parents figured it out.

Then seventh grade figured out bulimia and then until now my sophomore year of college I have been normal weight on this never ending cycle of restricting to nothing then binging and purging. Now I'm predominantly restricting which is easier on the stomach for sure, but honestly I don't want this anymore...I want to be happy. I'm tired of waking up at 1:30 am to check the fridge to make sure the yogurt is still fat free, because I am going over and over my meal plan for the next day. Hoping to ingrain it into my head so I don't binge forget.

So I was trying to figure out why the hell I can't just be freaking normal and it hit me. I want the praise I want to be my mom's little girl that she bragged about to all her friends who could wear anything...I want things to slow down, I want to quit getting old the world to stop spinning and to just be held for a few minutes not worrying about med school the future etc.

Anyway as promised here is a pic of me sorta you cant see my face but I wanted to show you this hair style I did and ask your opinion of what you think?  

Okay well off to school bless your soul if you read all this!
with love,
~Ell

Hello again.

I feel like I haven't been on here in forever! My beautiful friends how are you?
I'm sorry I have been gone this depression weird disorganized version tried to take over my life, but the clean perfectionist still slightly/mildly derpessed reared it's heels and won out. So now the me I know and can be comfortable with is back.

No I do not have a personality disorder.

I just sometimes find my self battling  this other me. Which oddly enough comes around once I have been bingeing and purging. Stereotypical I know! Restricting is just so much more comforting...food makes my stomach hurt badly which is why I can't understand as to why I crave it so much...

Anyway my semester is off to a better start. I had to drop calc because of schedule conflicts, so now I'm in Brit lit, American lit, and Western Civ. I am way a head of where I should be so I am taking a little time to relax this semester with less hours.

Although I'm not relaxing I getting my ass in shape.

Swim Suit season is almost here, and I manage a pool I want to look gorgeous no, THIN.

I have a lot to post about later, but for now I will just post my intake because I'm off to work!

B:  tea
     Vitamins
     V8 fusion light- 50
L:  V8 low sodium: 75 cals
D: probably popcorn?  (120)

not sure.

with love
~Ell

Hope Has Forsaken Me

Yes while hope may have forsaken me determination hasn't. I'm not hopeful because I know it will happen. My goals are all achievable, but I have to set my ass in motion to make them happen. The only thing standing in the way of me and my goals, is me.

Last night I felt what I think my have been a close cousin of despair. I was begging for away of of this world and as a owner of a whole bottle of aderol I could have easily got my wish, but then the voice of reason began to say if you really want out can it not wait till morning and Ed jumped sides (he is very fickle) and chimed in if you die now you will be the fat ass everyone always thought you were. It hit me. Ed was right, when I die if I have any control over it I better look hot, and at least felt like I tried to succed a little bit in life, meet at least one goal, and suddenly the voice of reason slipped out slowly and Ed held me till I felt asleep.

My therapist would hate me for saying this seeing how I let her think she has "cured" this thought out of me, but if Ed hadn't found me when I was 11yr I wouldn't be here today, and if I was by some chance I would be very alone.

Sick isn't it? My company is the voice inside my head, but at least he sticks around unlike the rest of them.

with love,
~Ell