Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Some insight (with a pic)

Hello lovelys I'm sorry for the absences school has reared its ugly head to make my life more stressful.

here is my intake from Monday.
exercise 1113 cals
intake: 590
(app is my fitness pal really great and its free! )

Anyway like my title says I think I have gained some insight with my disorder oh.

First a little history.

My disorder started well I usually say 11, but as I was thinking this over it really started when I was 8 or nine. I was always the fat kid. My sister was always the petite porcelain doll with raven hair and beautiful blue eyes and of course red lips. I was the blond hair, blue eyed fat kid. It was lame, but I was always jealous of my little sister. She would walk into a room and made friends instantly, smart with out trying, could make the piano sing music that touched your soul, and she was athletic. I loved her adored her, but I felt very small and insignificant when she came along.

Oh right on with the story. Anyway like I said I was the fat kid who got teased immensely. Had zero friends. So my mom put me in swim team, and I was actually good for a change. Swimming was a sport of mental endurance. So I started working trying to get better, and I also started losing weight amazingly fast. In the summer of 4th grade (age 9)  I lost almost 30lbs. Then things progressed and I started cutting out the sweets and pop trying to show the world how much better I was and how was so healthy! Fifth grade (age 10) came and so did this demon like perfectionist. It came yelling screaming demanding me to make straight A's and to never bother my parents. To be perfect. This could be partly induced due to the fact my brother (an addict) was creating trouble left and right for them. My brother ran away end of my fifth grade year and my mom was beside herself.

Things were the same until the summer before my sixth grade year (age 11) my mom took me shopping going on and on about how easy I was to shop for because I was so slim. This was amazing I never had gotten that kind a of praise before! So when school started I stared eating my cereal from a coffee cup rather than a bowl, I skipped lunch at school, then went to a 2 hour swim team practice, and by the time I was done I was to tired to even eat half my meal let alone a full plate. I weighed 98lbs at 5'5'' before my parents figured it out.

Then seventh grade figured out bulimia and then until now my sophomore year of college I have been normal weight on this never ending cycle of restricting to nothing then binging and purging. Now I'm predominantly restricting which is easier on the stomach for sure, but honestly I don't want this anymore...I want to be happy. I'm tired of waking up at 1:30 am to check the fridge to make sure the yogurt is still fat free, because I am going over and over my meal plan for the next day. Hoping to ingrain it into my head so I don't binge forget.

So I was trying to figure out why the hell I can't just be freaking normal and it hit me. I want the praise I want to be my mom's little girl that she bragged about to all her friends who could wear anything...I want things to slow down, I want to quit getting old the world to stop spinning and to just be held for a few minutes not worrying about med school the future etc.

Anyway as promised here is a pic of me sorta you cant see my face but I wanted to show you this hair style I did and ask your opinion of what you think?  

Okay well off to school bless your soul if you read all this!
with love,


  1. Sounds like you had a hard life :( ED's are terrible things....your hair looks lovely though, i really like it :) xx

  2. yes ed are terrible. we are all here for a reason and i feel so close to each and every one of you. i do it for the praise too. im also scared of boyfriends and am super picky and i think the only chance of me getting the boyfriend of my dreams is to be thin. stupid i know, but also true! i have that app too! isnt it great! wow you exercised a lot! what all did you do for your workout???? im impressed! much love,
    -gymnast skinny


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