Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Hope Has Forsaken Me

Yes while hope may have forsaken me determination hasn't. I'm not hopeful because I know it will happen. My goals are all achievable, but I have to set my ass in motion to make them happen. The only thing standing in the way of me and my goals, is me.

Last night I felt what I think my have been a close cousin of despair. I was begging for away of of this world and as a owner of a whole bottle of aderol I could have easily got my wish, but then the voice of reason began to say if you really want out can it not wait till morning and Ed jumped sides (he is very fickle) and chimed in if you die now you will be the fat ass everyone always thought you were. It hit me. Ed was right, when I die if I have any control over it I better look hot, and at least felt like I tried to succed a little bit in life, meet at least one goal, and suddenly the voice of reason slipped out slowly and Ed held me till I felt asleep.

My therapist would hate me for saying this seeing how I let her think she has "cured" this thought out of me, but if Ed hadn't found me when I was 11yr I wouldn't be here today, and if I was by some chance I would be very alone.

Sick isn't it? My company is the voice inside my head, but at least he sticks around unlike the rest of them.

with love,


  1. thanks for the comment! How are things going?
    Therapists are annoying sometimes... They always think they can just cure people but it hardly ever really works... I saw I think 3 different therapists and I'm just back where I was then.. Well maybe not as bad.
    I looke forward to your next post!!

  2. wow hunny yes please dont end your journey! one day at a time! we love you and wouldnt want anything to happen to you. if you ever feel like doing that again you can email me at ill be here for you if you need it! and p.s. at least you have a therapist... i cant afford one :(


Your word are inspiring!