Perfection Is the Goal, Peace is What it Brings

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


I know I should be happy. I'm privileged, spoiled, in need of nothing.

My parents love me so much they are sending me to inpatient. They threw a fit when they couldnt get me in until October. They loved me so much they threatened to quit paying university.

They will be more than happy to force me onto the plane to go.
Because its the best in the us, probably the world they say...but here is the thing: I DO NOT WANT TO Go!!!!!!

So I force food down my throat
I force food to come up
I force the blade deep into my skin
I force the scale to climb down down down.

I force myself to not give up call it quits. I force myself to carry on...maybe I'll quit one day. Call it good just force it to all be over with.

So I have been wanting to post progress pics on here for a while now, but the thought of getting caught still well scares me. So I thought the day before I go inpatient I'll put then up because really what else will I have to lose then?!?

with love,

It's not that I like myself now at all, no the opposite would be very true. It's just this me the Ed inflicted me, I'm comfortable with I know. I know everything I will obsess over. So no I don't like myself, I despise myself, but at least this me I'm familiar with. But what if after treatment I still don't like her the real me that I am. Then there is no longing or dreaming of me that is brilliant and wonderful. It's kinda like the fantasy the mystery will be ruined, and I'll be left with the truth which is
probably a disappointment.

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