Yesterday the day was going perfectly no food, got a beautiful sliver ring with a pearl from my grandma in the mail then went to work. Good so far no?
Fasted all day enjoying the beautiful feeling of emptiness having a day without supervision. Then got a super rude cashier at a coffee shop and his equally catty coworker...They continued to give me dirty looks the entire time. And I don't know about any of you, but I just CANNOT handle people looking at me!
Sent me into a panic.
Still the day was going okay.
Then the night went terribly wrong...
went me to dinner.
Bad.
Out to Starbucks.
Bad.
Went for a walk.
Bad because I could purge as soon as I need to.
Then purged hard core. Blood and popped blood vessels... Ya!!!
Then cut to deep...
Oh it was just another day.
I'm still really scared about going inpatient... Have any of you ever gone inpatient?
I mean what if I do change...what if I don't like that me...what if?
With love,
~ell
oh dear...i hope ur alright, that musthave been awful! and same here with ppl looking at me...i just wish i cud hide in a cave or something whenever ppl are looking at me. hmm...i actually think going inpatient is great, it will be a struggle but ultimately to change or not to change is all up to u. bt honestly, when u say "what if i dnt like that me" do u like the you now? because for me this ED just makes me hate myself so much. i cant help but long to be normal yet the thought of eating and letting the calories absorb frightens me so much...we're stuck in a rut see. i know it makes u feel like ur failing or giving up but in reality ur saving ur life over here. if u keep going like this somethings rly going to happen to u. u have a beautiful life ahead of u, dnt let this ED take it away. take care<3
ReplyDeletei hope you're okay! i'm sorry you didnt have a good day :( i know what you mean about people looking at you; it always makes me feel really insecure and as if they're judging me :/ i hope the rest of the week is better! xo.
ReplyDeleteUgh, it sucks so bad when you think a day is going spendid then BAMN!! BULLSHIT.
ReplyDeleteSorry you had such a crappy day. Please stop cutting!! I've been there and i know how it feels, but you're ruining your pretty skin!!
Take care hunni
<3