Insomnia

Insomnia leaves a weird fog over your thoughts. It makes me question the reality if it all.
Dig into memories a well rested me easily filters out.
I have thought about so many things and yet nothing significant.
I even pretend I'm a sleep In hopes to trick my body. No such luck.
So as I spend another sleepless night contemplating the universe, I begin to think of it all. It makes me want to cry.
The same thoughts run through my head
He should have loved me.
He should have wanted me.
I was a baby.
His daughter.
I hate him,
No.
I hate me.
My fault
My fault
My fault

I want to burry these thoughts. Make them burn. So I go to my 24hr gym., and I burn, my legs burn, the evil calories burn.

Better much better.

I can breathe now.

With love,
~ell

These are the pictures I look at when I'm working out they keep me motivated.

The second picture is my dream body. I literally almost cried when I first saw it.

A Lovely day

I have literally had nothing to say but the internship and groups which is why I haven't been posting very much, so I'll try to be quick and not bore any of you truly wonderful people.

So this thought has been rummaging around in my head for a little while, and has left me with this feeling of well...confusion of sorts. I will try to clarify. First beginning with the origin of this thought. I was in church, and our pastor was talking about debt, and being slave to the lender. Which is great message especially if you live in the united states. I mean our debt alone is astonishing can anyone even picture a trillion dollars?

But I digress.

He then continued to talk about how being in debt is like being in bondage, and that we as a nation have taken

something that should

serve us,

and are now serving it.

Simply by having to constantly obsess over money, and credit card debt etc.

The point:
Food should serve us by providing glucose, protein, vitamins,and minerals!
But somewhere along the way we started serving it?
We become slaves to something that should do nothing except provide energy. Instead though we constantly agonize over it, stressing and obsessing over every morsel we could possibly put into our bodies, which is exhausting!!!!
Now the questions are why and how to change it?

Anyway hopefully I did not bore you. I love you all dearly!
~ell


Gosh I just love how she does this with her hair if any of you know how her gets the lose puffy look while still in a bun please tell!?!?

Better days (ramble feel free to ignore)

First I want to apologize for my horribly depressing posts lately. Feeling like you are being forced into treatment sorta was the tipping point for my down ward spiral. So sorry lovelies...

(ramble)
On ward so far 60cals today I'm sure that will go up when I have group dinner, and then food and feelings.... I don't really have tons buzzing through my mind and leaping onto the keyboard at the moment...I'm very much in a dazed mood. Not entirely sure why, just woke up that way I guess. Well off to be productive!




If you read this I'm terribly sorry for having nothing to say:)
with love,
~ell

Forceful

I know I should be happy. I'm privileged, spoiled, in need of nothing.

My parents love me so much they are sending me to inpatient. They threw a fit when they couldnt get me in until October. They loved me so much they threatened to quit paying university.

They will be more than happy to force me onto the plane to go.
Because its the best in the us, probably the world they say...but here is the thing: I DO NOT WANT TO Go!!!!!!

So I force food down my throat
I force food to come up
I force the blade deep into my skin
I force the scale to climb down down down.

I force myself to not give up call it quits. I force myself to carry on...maybe I'll quit one day. Call it good just force it to all be over with.

So I have been wanting to post progress pics on here for a while now, but the thought of getting caught still well scares me. So I thought the day before I go inpatient I'll put then up because really what else will I have to lose then?!?

with love,
~ell

Comments:

Stillimagining:

It's not that I like myself now at all, no the opposite would be very true. It's just this me the Ed inflicted me, I'm comfortable with I know. I know everything I will obsess over. So no I don't like myself, I despise myself, but at least this me I'm familiar with. But what if after treatment I still don't like her the real me that I am. Then there is no longing or dreaming of me that is brilliant and wonderful. It's kinda like the fantasy the mystery will be ruined, and I'll be left with the truth which is

probably a disappointment.

Life and all it's glory...

Yesterday the day was going perfectly no food, got a beautiful sliver ring with a pearl from my grandma in the mail then went to work. Good so far no?

Fasted all day enjoying the beautiful feeling of emptiness having a day without supervision. Then got a super rude cashier at a coffee shop and his equally catty coworker...They continued to give me dirty looks the entire time. And I don't know about any of you, but I just CANNOT handle people looking at me!

Sent me into a panic.

Still the day was going okay.


Then the night went terribly wrong...

went me to dinner.

Bad.

Out to Starbucks.

Bad.

Went for a walk.

Bad because I could purge as soon as I need to.

Then purged hard core. Blood and popped blood vessels... Ya!!!

Then cut to deep...

Oh it was just another day.

I'm still really scared about going inpatient... Have any of you ever gone inpatient?
I mean what if I do change...what if I don't like that me...what if?

With love,
~ell

Deeper

I binged.

I cut.

I bled.

No body cares...good to know some things don't change. Consistency.

First conversation with T via phone in a while:
T: why do you act so weird?
Me: I don't this is just me. I'm goofy and not normal sometimes.
T: why can't you just be the old you?
Me: I guess I'm just more comfortable around you now.
T: get less comfortable then.

Ha life good to know I can still count on being constantly disappointed and a disappointment.

Welcome to my hell where nobody cares.

Should of cut deeper.

~ell

Twiddle my thumbs...

Intake:
(0) calories
Output:
(-1,475) calories elliptical and bike

So what should I do while I await my fate of tubes, blood pressure cuffs, morning vitals, and complete lock down...twiddle my thumbs? Watch my my chest rise as I inhale oxygen? Maybe watch paint dry?

I feel so restless like I'm awaiting a fate far worse than death...'recovery'
Can I tell you a secret dear parents forcing me into rehab, threatening to quit paying for university, crying we just want you to get better does nothing! It will not make me better!
You simply cannot click your magic red slippers and make me change over night! No, but why not?
Because I have to want to get better! This is not your life but mine!
I'm not saying I'm all pro Ed or whatever!
But I'm not ready I will probably never be and quite honestly I'm okay with that.
Just let me be...
Rant over in other news the scale is being increasingly frustrating its refusing to move....
I realize when not eating it usually happens when I'm not really counting on it, and bam I'll lose like 5lbs in one day! But believe me I am so ready to get there!

Thanks for the encouraging comments, although sometimes I'm not sure they want me to be healthy and happy as much as they would like to ease their guilty conscious, sweep it under the rug and do as my repeatedly says "grow out of this phase".
If only it would be so easy...

Anyway im planning on catching up on your blogs tomorrow so if your following me and I'm not following you back leave me a comment, because I want to invest in yours too!

with love,
~ell

I love this picture so quiet and calm, looks like a good place to really think