Please, Please make this stop. (warning rant)

I blacked out last night, in the bathtub, very scary! I was so numb I
couldn't move what the F?!
I have survived on less than 200 cals for years, while doing swim team?!
I blame it on age...okay I know 19 is not old but really wtf?
Sorry I'm just really upset because now everyone is all supicious, and I probably ate close to 2000 cals last night. Now really I would be lying to you if I said I was forced.

NO. Oh No...
The first meal yes it was a "eat this, in front of me, situation"
Everything after was a full on tears running, manic binge, I ate litteraly till I was puking and then well I freaked and took way to many laxitives.

Oh and get this wonderfullness?! my eyes are still all black and fuzzy?!
I ate, okay body, stop freaking out on me!!!

The good thing Is that I was punished which I needed to be. In other words I'm thank full for it. I put on that lb that I had lost. Which is horrifying, traumatizing, self harm inducing hard for me to accept, but I DESERVE it!
I was weak, lazy, horrid, and worst of all out of control?! What headspace was I in that allowed mindless binging!?!

That is the worst part. What headspace was I in? What if it happens again. Stop. I can't. I won't let it. I don't want to be on the binge purge marry-go-round again.

Sorry for the rant i'm calmer now, feel more capable of studying...binging just scares me...
I'll post my official intake later
But so far the plan:
b: coffee (8)
L: protien shake (100)
D: apple (68)

I have a date with the gym and sauna I need to punish myself...I want to burn at least a thousand of those calories I consumed.

Oh right now to study for that midterm.