Oh life! What a curious mystery?

So every single day I screwed up right at the end! I would be heading to bed or off to study and then bam! Major screw up some times 90 calories of screw up some times close to 1500 calories of screw up! Three words words Fat A** Failure!

But the scale didn't reflect it go figure I lost still? I don't understand not even a little!

On with other ramblings that are not of my depressing intake!

So I may be running cross country next year for my university?! Which I'm really nervous/ excited about!
My times are better than a lot of other people, but my distance ehh well I'm working on it. Right now I'm training for a half marathon which is okay but not as god as I can do!

In other new so I'm taking a nutrition class (the joy of pre-med), which awesome, but freaking scary supposedly we are all at a risk of dying way more than most normal people, and we have a higher risk of cancer, alzheimer's, osteoporosis, and a whole slew of other horrible things!

Great I'm recovered!
Really did anyone believe that?

No instead I designed a total alkline, alzheimer's, high in calcium diet! With a complex carb that will fuel my runs!

For 600-680 calories.

And according to my goal calculator I should be 108 by december! Sweet!

More on this later! I still have four projects to tackle!

Love you all,
~Ell

Fast, Fast!

So this week is nuts just so much time consuming work: group project, speech sample analysis, clinical hours, paper, quiz, and mid term prep! Wish me luck!
But that mean little or no blog for a while.

Although my saving grace will be fasting till october! Zero calorie anything and lots of water!
So now words of wisdom from supersize and super skinny (UK show): when your about to binge "do not give food control of your life!"

inspiring!
with love,
~Ell

fasting strong! With a 3lbs loss!

So Fasting is going great I am exhausted though, but I'm hoping my run will fire me up to study! (ironic right, but exercise wakes me up).
We are hosting a movie night and I nervous because that always means junk food. I don't even like junk food, but just being around it scares me. I suppose this will be a true test of will! I think I will go for 3 days straight, meaning I will be fasting tomorrow as well! I love being empty and light I feel so happy.
intake today:                              
zero cal lemonade
water
coffee

Anyway still nervous about starting the abc diet I just want to succeed, and 50 days offers a lot of room for failure. There is this new diet called the 3 hour diet, but I feel it might lead to way to many choices resulting in a binge. I just want to stay in control and starting the abc monday is making me very anxious.

Thinspo for the day: 

Note to self: repeat, repeat, repeat!

so after the first week of the abc diet I will post my stats I need to feel less like a failure. When I post them! 

with love, 

~Ell 

thinlove: I'm not sure I just love it throw on your I pod and exams, stress, life, it's all gone its just you pushing your self till your eyes go black!

Zero calorie success!

Today went so perfectly I have made it over 24 hours with zero calories my only intake was a couple fish oil vitamins, and ritalin.
I'm so freaking happy. It is such a high I had lost a 1lb as of this morning I hope its more when I wake up! Tomorrow I think I will try to fast again! Then go grocery shopping, human society, and study! Then Sunday I will either fast again or start the abc diet? Not sure, I'll let you know after tomorrow.

any way in response to Karolina, epsom salts are pretty gross, but totally work. Just go to  the store in the pharmacy section find epsom salts which is name brand or generic and on uses it says laxative 8oz of water and 2 tablespoons of salts. I usually do double that and it should work in 1 hour to 8 hours. Oh and drink tons of water makes it works faster. You can buy it at Walmart or Walgreens, my doctor told me this is the safest laxative when I was having issues because it is all natural and your body can't become dependent on it.

Hope this helps! If you have questions feel free to ask!

with love,
~Ell

Getting my life together

Well I am losing so complaints are minimal! I did break my fast yesterday right before I went to bed. I felt like such a failure I couldn't sleep so I took the worst, most effective, strongest laxative ever. Epsom salts. Taste horrid, but works. (sorry TMI) So I'm fasting today again and I know it will be a success because I will not be home all day, because my cousin is in the homecoming which mean I have to go to the hell hole that started this damn diseased cycle (okay its not entirely their fault but still). Plus none of my family has gluten free and dairy free stuff so I literally can't eat or I will be super sick!
Anyway...
I have decided to make some life changes. I like structure and hear lately I have been so stressed because lack of structure to my day. With my new class schedule I feel off kilter.
So the plan for this weekend is to finish my list of homework, and start abc diet.
This will get me completely caught up on my work so that I am not behind anymore, (especially with my reading).
then mwf:
morning:
5:45- swim
class 8-1:20
go to humane society to walk dogs
elliptical/run abs and yoga
homework at hastings or library
then home
The less I'm home the less likely I'll binge.  
Tues/Thurs:
5:45 swim
study at library: till 2:00
class 2:00-5:00
elliptical/run abs and yoga
come home to study

My problem is not not working out I'm sorta addicted to it really. Like I seriously get what I would considered high, but I guess that comes from my childhood of club swimming and tennis, because I had to be the best, which get this I was the best in practice come to a meet or match bam nerves got the best of me I would freeze (insecure much?)

Sorry for the ranting I love you all.
Today's thinspo theme Legs!

 Love her Tights! 

 I will have her legs: I will be ethereal! 

today's song of choice: "Not afraid" by eminem

with love,
~Ell

Decisions Decisions....

So here it goes...I am an epic failure today and really just in general when it comes to self control and my head hurts so bad from fainting I can't stand to purge. So instead I am abusing laxatives...My problem I can either have amazing self control, or I just go nuts...I am choosing to just enforce self-control from this point forward.
I am in control and I will succeed in all aspects of life.

To begin this new adventure. New chapter if you will. I am going to fast and then kick off with the abc diet. I am super nervous with this choice...I don't want to fail...I have to trade this insecurity in for confidence!
I want to start the abc diet on Friday but I will need to go grocery shopping first:
List:
-10 cal jello
- baby carrots
- rice cakes
- bell peppers
-celery
-cucumber
-cabbage
-cherry tomatoes
-zevia
-stevia

Oh and a new recipe to add!
3 calorie dressing:
-1/8 c of balsamic dressing
- pinch of turmeric, coriander, dried parsley, dried oregano, dried garlic, dried red pepper
- 3 dots of horseradish mustard
- 1/4 teaspoon of liquid aminos.  

Hope you all are well!
with love,
~ Ell

Beautiful isn't it? London Fall Fashion week

Fall its so beautiful the air is cool and it reminds you of love and it is peaceful. Today went well. Yesterday not so much. I passed out and hit my head on ceramic tile and I got a concussion! Super nauseated right now and my head is pounding, but not to worry I still have 2 quizzes to study for! YEA! 

My intake went relatively well so I'm trying to complain to much. 

Total Intake: 530 

Breakfast: coffee (0 cals)

Lunch: jello (10 cals) 

snack: granola bar (260 cals)

dinner: soup (90 cals) 

            Thai noodles (170cals) 

I have done better, but I will take a laxative and call it good enough. Somedays just seem so blahh...The sad part was I was doing perfect till after class, then I got to shaky to do anything. Does this ever happen to any of you? I mean I know it was primarily the result of caffine, pain pills, and anxiety? Just wondering if you had any ideas on how to make it stop? 

Now time for some inspiration! straight from London's catwalk: Fall Fashion Week

 Altuzarra

 Parabal Gurung

 Tibi

 Tibi: My personal Fav!

Song of choice this week: "Let Go" by Frou Frou 

with love,

~Ell

Sunday...last day of freedom

So it fels like the last day of freedom before school starts back up. My Lifespan test did not go quite as well as I had hoped and it's sad but I was inconsolable... School is just my thing. It just really broke my spirit almost. But now im better! Sorry to rant!

Anyway my intake to day:

Breakfast: 0

Lunch:

Homade soup: 60 calories (recipe below)

Snack: latte 120

Dinner:

Yet to be determined:

Either soup or salad

So I made the soup and it was so easy and good!

5 cups water

2 tomatoes: 22 cals

MSG Free Chicken base: 45 cals

Seasonings: cumin, seasoning salt,  lots of pepper, parsley: 0 cals

Small onion: 20 (or use 1/4 regular onion)

Frozen vegetables: 20 cals (I like the asparagus mix)

2 slivers of serano: 5 cals

1 clove of garlic: 7 cals

Total: 119 calories

Directions:

1. use pam to spray bottom of stew pot

2. glaze onions and garlic on med-med high for 5-7 minnutes

3. boil 5 cups of water in tea pot

4. add water to stew pot and chicken base or Bullion Cube

5. then add rest of vegtables, and seasonings

6. bring to boil, turn to med-low for 8 minnutes

Then it's done!

So it will bring about 2-3 servings.

It is really yummy! hope you will try it plus it will be really delightful on these chilly fall evenings!

Best part of fall is soups, basically all water relatively low calories and they make you feel super full!

Best wishes for your week lovelys!

with love,

~Ell

Why hello there beautiful!?

Ho Hum! Dum-didlle-Dum!

Well, the day was beautiful! It is raining cold and the weather finally feels calming and soothing! I had my anatomy and physiology quiz today it went well. I have a test tomorrow that I haven't even done the reading for! (yikes) 

Intake wise was lame today and worse the day before! 

I binged all day yesterday! It was horrible! Yesterday was probably around 3,000 cals...It was just bad! 

Today was less thank goodness! 

Still under 900 which is always my max (when i'm not inhibited with stupidity and lack of control) 

Today was as followed

Total Intake: 845                                                     Exercise:
Breakfast:                                                                abs: 50 sit ups, 50 leg lifts, 20 oblique ups,
protein shake: (165 calories)                                    20 throw down (calories ?)
lunch:                                                                      elliptical: 525 calories
caramel mochiato: (130 calories) 
Snack:
2 muffins (190 calories)
Dinner:
thai noodles: (170 calories)
chicken:  (120 calories)
vegatables: (70 calories)

So time for some thinspo to help me with my all nighter i'm about to pull! I love college (almost as much as seeing hipbones)

Love you all and May I suggest a song for you all tonight?
Samson by Regina Spektor (its relatively old but awesome)
youtube link:

with love,
~Ell

Back Again

Today was spent cramming for a quiz that was postponed in anatomy and physiology. Oh well less studying later.
My intake was okay: about 200 calories higher than I planned.
Breakfast:
(150) oatmeal
(0) coffee
Lunch:
(170) Thai Noodles
(50) Salad
Snack:
(115) protein shake
Dinner:
(290) Amy's Thai Bowl
Snack:
(120) Soy Latte

Total: 895
So much when it is all spelled out!
Out put:
run: 1 mile
abs, and leg lifts in sauna
So tomorrow I was thinking of posting some thinspo!

Hope your doing well!
with love
~ Ell

Hello!

Hi, so my life in a nutshell, I'm 19. I have a anorexia and bulimia, sometimes one more than the other. I used to have a blog, but deleted it to recover. I just need a fresh start, in life.

This is my journey and for once this is for no one but me. 

I really don't want to be self centered! I would help anyone, be a friend for anyone, and I'm hear if anyone needs me. 

I love you and I don't know you! Someday I hope to love my self! 

There will be a proper update about me and my stats soon! 

with love

~ell