Insomnia

Insomnia leaves a weird fog over your thoughts. It makes me question the reality if it all.
Dig into memories a well rested me easily filters out.
I have thought about so many things and yet nothing significant.
I even pretend I'm a sleep In hopes to trick my body. No such luck.
So as I spend another sleepless night contemplating the universe, I begin to think of it all. It makes me want to cry.
The same thoughts run through my head
He should have loved me.
He should have wanted me.
I was a baby.
His daughter.
I hate him,
No.
I hate me.
My fault
My fault
My fault

I want to burry these thoughts. Make them burn. So I go to my 24hr gym., and I burn, my legs burn, the evil calories burn.

Better much better.

I can breathe now.

With love,
~ell

These are the pictures I look at when I'm working out they keep me motivated.

The second picture is my dream body. I literally almost cried when I first saw it.

A Lovely day

I have literally had nothing to say but the internship and groups which is why I haven't been posting very much, so I'll try to be quick and not bore any of you truly wonderful people.

So this thought has been rummaging around in my head for a little while, and has left me with this feeling of well...confusion of sorts. I will try to clarify. First beginning with the origin of this thought. I was in church, and our pastor was talking about debt, and being slave to the lender. Which is great message especially if you live in the united states. I mean our debt alone is astonishing can anyone even picture a trillion dollars?

But I digress.

He then continued to talk about how being in debt is like being in bondage, and that we as a nation have taken

something that should

serve us,

and are now serving it.

Simply by having to constantly obsess over money, and credit card debt etc.

The point:
Food should serve us by providing glucose, protein, vitamins,and minerals!
But somewhere along the way we started serving it?
We become slaves to something that should do nothing except provide energy. Instead though we constantly agonize over it, stressing and obsessing over every morsel we could possibly put into our bodies, which is exhausting!!!!
Now the questions are why and how to change it?

Anyway hopefully I did not bore you. I love you all dearly!
~ell


Gosh I just love how she does this with her hair if any of you know how her gets the lose puffy look while still in a bun please tell!?!?

Better days (ramble feel free to ignore)

First I want to apologize for my horribly depressing posts lately. Feeling like you are being forced into treatment sorta was the tipping point for my down ward spiral. So sorry lovelies...

(ramble)
On ward so far 60cals today I'm sure that will go up when I have group dinner, and then food and feelings.... I don't really have tons buzzing through my mind and leaping onto the keyboard at the moment...I'm very much in a dazed mood. Not entirely sure why, just woke up that way I guess. Well off to be productive!




If you read this I'm terribly sorry for having nothing to say:)
with love,
~ell

Forceful

I know I should be happy. I'm privileged, spoiled, in need of nothing.

My parents love me so much they are sending me to inpatient. They threw a fit when they couldnt get me in until October. They loved me so much they threatened to quit paying university.

They will be more than happy to force me onto the plane to go.
Because its the best in the us, probably the world they say...but here is the thing: I DO NOT WANT TO Go!!!!!!

So I force food down my throat
I force food to come up
I force the blade deep into my skin
I force the scale to climb down down down.

I force myself to not give up call it quits. I force myself to carry on...maybe I'll quit one day. Call it good just force it to all be over with.

So I have been wanting to post progress pics on here for a while now, but the thought of getting caught still well scares me. So I thought the day before I go inpatient I'll put then up because really what else will I have to lose then?!?

with love,
~ell

Comments:

Stillimagining:

It's not that I like myself now at all, no the opposite would be very true. It's just this me the Ed inflicted me, I'm comfortable with I know. I know everything I will obsess over. So no I don't like myself, I despise myself, but at least this me I'm familiar with. But what if after treatment I still don't like her the real me that I am. Then there is no longing or dreaming of me that is brilliant and wonderful. It's kinda like the fantasy the mystery will be ruined, and I'll be left with the truth which is

probably a disappointment.

Life and all it's glory...

Yesterday the day was going perfectly no food, got a beautiful sliver ring with a pearl from my grandma in the mail then went to work. Good so far no?

Fasted all day enjoying the beautiful feeling of emptiness having a day without supervision. Then got a super rude cashier at a coffee shop and his equally catty coworker...They continued to give me dirty looks the entire time. And I don't know about any of you, but I just CANNOT handle people looking at me!

Sent me into a panic.

Still the day was going okay.


Then the night went terribly wrong...

went me to dinner.

Bad.

Out to Starbucks.

Bad.

Went for a walk.

Bad because I could purge as soon as I need to.

Then purged hard core. Blood and popped blood vessels... Ya!!!

Then cut to deep...

Oh it was just another day.

I'm still really scared about going inpatient... Have any of you ever gone inpatient?
I mean what if I do change...what if I don't like that me...what if?

With love,
~ell

Deeper

I binged.

I cut.

I bled.

No body cares...good to know some things don't change. Consistency.

First conversation with T via phone in a while:
T: why do you act so weird?
Me: I don't this is just me. I'm goofy and not normal sometimes.
T: why can't you just be the old you?
Me: I guess I'm just more comfortable around you now.
T: get less comfortable then.

Ha life good to know I can still count on being constantly disappointed and a disappointment.

Welcome to my hell where nobody cares.

Should of cut deeper.

~ell

Twiddle my thumbs...

Intake:
(0) calories
Output:
(-1,475) calories elliptical and bike

So what should I do while I await my fate of tubes, blood pressure cuffs, morning vitals, and complete lock down...twiddle my thumbs? Watch my my chest rise as I inhale oxygen? Maybe watch paint dry?

I feel so restless like I'm awaiting a fate far worse than death...'recovery'
Can I tell you a secret dear parents forcing me into rehab, threatening to quit paying for university, crying we just want you to get better does nothing! It will not make me better!
You simply cannot click your magic red slippers and make me change over night! No, but why not?
Because I have to want to get better! This is not your life but mine!
I'm not saying I'm all pro Ed or whatever!
But I'm not ready I will probably never be and quite honestly I'm okay with that.
Just let me be...
Rant over in other news the scale is being increasingly frustrating its refusing to move....
I realize when not eating it usually happens when I'm not really counting on it, and bam I'll lose like 5lbs in one day! But believe me I am so ready to get there!

Thanks for the encouraging comments, although sometimes I'm not sure they want me to be healthy and happy as much as they would like to ease their guilty conscious, sweep it under the rug and do as my repeatedly says "grow out of this phase".
If only it would be so easy...

Anyway im planning on catching up on your blogs tomorrow so if your following me and I'm not following you back leave me a comment, because I want to invest in yours too!

with love,
~ell

I love this picture so quiet and calm, looks like a good place to really think

sometimes, I feel extremely hopeless...like no matter what I do, I will always be in this huge hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper. The worst is the few minute people i reach out to do nothing, they either turn a deaf ear to me or help make it worse. I hate feeling like this, I hate feelings period. They turn me into someone I hate which is weak. Hopeless...

Sorry I have been sporadic with my posts...

with love,
~ell

Lost

Im in a very dark place right now. I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel lost.
Thanks for the comments the fact that anyone is still here for me is truly amazing. I love you all so much!
with love,
ell

The depths of the soul.
It knows no boundaries,
It knows our hearts
Some will try to taint it
others will deny its existence,
Forever it will stay with you,
It makes us who we are. 
Our greatest accomplishment?
Or our downfall?

Tweedly tweedly dum!

Have you ever noticed moments in life when your happy? Every time this event happens it makes you happy what ever it is?
I think for me that event is looking at sleeping babies they are so innocent they truly love you for you. It is amazing.
Is it just selfish in my opinion to bring an innocent child into this messed up world? What if you are inadequate and inadvertently make them worse in some way?

Anyway intake wise I have been trying to restrict but I'm just like f it. I feel powerful, happy, and not sick when I'm fasting. So until I can eat something with out my stomach going into knots from the pain this is wear I am at. Exercise has been crap the last week. I do manual labor most of the day...cleaning up the pool , mowing the grass, painting the fence ect. I miss univesity so much...only 128 more days till classes begin!

Yes I am that much of a nerd, but I think school helps give my life meaning, or  at least purpose. Oh and a decent book I would recommend is Dairy of an Anorexic Girl by Morgan Menzie. I bought it and finished it all in the same evening. Quick read so you may  be interested.

Not much to say honestly, except thank you for the lovely comments! They mean a lot to me! Oh and hello to my new followers! Drop me a comment if I have yet to follow you back  because I want to return all the love you give me! 

with love,
~ell

very lovely to see as well

Took a random road trip to see one of my closest friends an hour away. Decided this at 11:00pm. Smart ell, no sleep driving, keep it up
Anyway not sure what to do about life. Okay with food but that is my life, meticulously planning, analyzing foods that come my way...I ended my fast today may pick it up again, may just do liquids...I dunno. I love the way i feel living off of water, but I just have no energy to run. so ehh...not sure about what to do.

I think I will just go with what ever I feel tomorrow (well i guess it is tomorrow so today).
I hope you are all doing lovely. I'm sorry...I'm in a rut just trying to think about what everything means, trying to figure out how not to hate myself?
Any answers?
Would greatly be appreciated!
with love,
~ell

Rainy day please come to stay

Intake: zero
intake yesterday: zero
out put:  sit ups push ups pilates, jumping jacks, (today and yesterday)
Goals do what I like because one day you will die and then thats it.
So be happy lovelies. Do what makes your beautiful faces smile!
For me that is taking up less space in this universe than i did the day before.

In  a piculuar mood to say in the least.
Here i'll paint the picture  for you:
sitting in starbucks, sipping some tea, smelling the sweet bitterness of espresso, listening to Regina Spector, contemplating the big scary world we live in, and gazing outside. Times goes so fast, people are always going, moving, trying to find where they belong. I don't think I belong any where maybe that is why I keep taking myself out of the daily races.
I like the thought of belonging nowhere, the place of nowhere is where I'll take residence with all of you by my side.

As I am typing this I am sitting across from living thinspo. She is beautiful, 5'5'' and maybe 103? So wonderful, so inspiring, just so...words can't explain...I want to be smaller but still no one can deny she is beautiful.

with love,
~ell

I'm still alive (barely) Geez I have missed you guys!

Hello you beautiful wonderful truly amazing people. I only have a minute well less than that actually but geez. You won't believe all that has occurred in my life since February. Here it is in short. But don't worry I'll be back soon to most more.
-Was getting really carried away with a fast lost hmm about 13lbs. Wonderful
- same note I was getting really depressed. Still dealing with the loss of my Meme and feeling like I have no direction in life.
- overdosed on some pills: suicide attempt....yea stupid ell what were you thinking.
-my shrink put me under 72 hour observation. Super ya! not
-my parents with drew me from university for the semester. (thanks mum)
-sent me to a nutritionist (gave me a plan to gain!!!!) 
-now I'm back where I started (fml)
- but I have my computer back! so wonderful I had missed you wonderful apple product!!!
-Told my shrink to shove it up is Bottom!  
- Now I am being baby sat less and less each day, working for the pool, and oh ya my birthday was on the 31st of march and now I'm 20. (Crazy!)

So anyway. I loved you missed you if any of you want more info about my sudden disapperance sure I'll go there, but to be honest I'm just so glad to be FREE! I'm just moving forward to my next plan to lose this time with a little more intelligence! Geez Ell...Why were you so stupid!

Love you all sooooooooo MUCH!
with love,
~ell

Never been done before

I will look like this.
No one can stop me.
No one can take this away from me.

Hello beautiful people I have not forgotten you. No really I am just a bad blogger. Add it to my list of faults.

Anyway lets get to the stats first shall we
intake: 500 cals. Pathetic.
out put: 0. Even more Pathetic.

Today was great for a sunday! like I said I did something I have never done before blew off my homework for and there is a quiz tomorrow. It is litterally worth one one-hunderth of my grade. but still I can't believe I am doing this...It doesn't feel as liberating as I imagined it in my head. I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to my grades we will see if this doesn't almost send me to grave with worry tonight.

In other news my shaking as started up again which is just complete bull. I have been incredibly healthy lately eating fruits and veg, puls taking my vitamins and minerals!

Oh well just apart of my life choices I suppose. I'm feeling pretty happy. My ocd tendencies are coming into full swing and I'm picking up the house like a mad hatter, but I like things clean. More people need that problem.

In other news I'm going to start volunteering at the animal shelter a couple days a week. I think it will be good for me to help someone or something beside myself. Plus less time to be around food! :)

Well I have an early morning swim I need to get rested up for. Good night my wonderful and beautiful people!

Remember: we CAN reach our goals! we CAN be happy the choice is up to us!
with love,
Ell

Derailed

Intake: 575
Out put: yet to be determined

To day was weird started off fasting. Then ended up in a daze at chick fil a...Ended up doing 575 calories worth of damage...Stupid. Fat ass...Then weird my lips and hands started quivering big time...They are still a little shaky as I am typing. I'm not sure what is up.

Other than that giant hiccup and wave of disappointment in my self to day was not that bad. I have an assignment due in a couple hours and thankfully blogger is here to help me avoid it. :)

Anyway I found this whilst on my fitness pal ap. Someone posted it I thought it was cool so give it a go.
My words were:
1. elegant
2. peaceful
3. helpful
4. sweet

to be honest I saw help before helpful. So maybe they were saying I need help lol. I don't know.

Any way. Other than that I don't have
a lot to say other than I may go to the gym to swim tonight.

Oh and if your looking for good blogs here are my favorites! (They have the best people)

Depressed Skinny Mess

Wanting to live    


Christina    


Sienna Rose 


Hope your all having fantastic days!

with love,
~Ell

Life...it really stresses me out. I binged and I mean binged like I have not binged in a long time...it was probably 3000 calories. So I purged goes without saying... I feel like a balloon. Plus side it's rainy out side I am seriously procrastinating...

Not a lot to say other than thanks for the support on the last post! Oh and I have decided that being home is evil...it lends to binging and binging leads to suicidal thought self hatred etc.

~Ell

Song and silence

Hello truly wonderful people. I hope your lives are going well and your filling fullfilled with life's abundant surprises. My days have begun to run together and I'm not sure how much I appreciate that mythical father time. alas I have been trying to slow them down but as of yet I have failed. I may sound a little off my bassinet but that is due to lack of food, sleep, and all this literature my classes are prescribing. It is very soothing to read about someone else's problems. To see that even 300 years they battled the same troubles we do. Awwhhh blasted human nature it is a fickle beast. I think.

I'm not trying to be sick these days and kill my self but rather grow in discipline and use this time to heal and seek and find my relationship with God. (if your anti faith I respect that but please cut me the same respect) my church is doing the Daniel fast. Last year I did this and lost weight always great but I felt I really grew and found out about who I am in Christ and I felt just better almost I dare believe happy.

Granted this could be an over romanticized ideal view of the past.

Anyway I'm doing it again but this time I want to restrict a little further to only consuming healing foods. Apples cabbage soup tomatoes and celery.

I want health to be thin and happyness. I want to live a full life. I may struggle with Ed and depression. But I want to live a life that's fulfilling and pleasing to God more. I know I'm a terrible example of what a Christian should be and I don't pretend to be perfectos holy or even an example.

I am completely broken. But I am trying.

From this thought comes my title. When your utterly down and at you ends Witt I find that
music feeds your soul while silence stirs the imagination.

with love,
~ell

Tears not of Joy.

I suppose I should get over it. I binged making my intake around 1200 cals...I only worked of 600 cals. I'm afraid I'll gain. I'm afraid I'll never be happy. I want to be happy. Reaching my goals will make me happy. I can't keep living like this... that stupid adderall is saying take me. So alice and wonderland. I'm so tired of this bullshit...I should just flush that stupid adderall...I have thought that so many times but. I haven't...It scares me a little... F it I'm so sick of this. I didn't stick to the plan I know I'm not going to blown up over night. I just I'm so afraid. I so upset. Just...I hate it...

~Ell

So to help me stop crying...Some thinspo

no flow thinspo. yea another flaw...I don't know. I feel scared.

Some insight (with a pic)

A

Hello lovelys I'm sorry for the absences school has reared its ugly head to make my life more stressful.

here is my intake from Monday.
exercise 1113 cals
intake: 590
(app is my fitness pal really great and its free! )

Anyway like my title says I think I have gained some insight with my disorder oh.

First a little history.

My disorder started well I usually say 11, but as I was thinking this over it really started when I was 8 or nine. I was always the fat kid. My sister was always the petite porcelain doll with raven hair and beautiful blue eyes and of course red lips. I was the blond hair, blue eyed fat kid. It was lame, but I was always jealous of my little sister. She would walk into a room and made friends instantly, smart with out trying, could make the piano sing music that touched your soul, and she was athletic. I loved her adored her, but I felt very small and insignificant when she came along.

Oh right on with the story. Anyway like I said I was the fat kid who got teased immensely. Had zero friends. So my mom put me in swim team, and I was actually good for a change. Swimming was a sport of mental endurance. So I started working trying to get better, and I also started losing weight amazingly fast. In the summer of 4th grade (age 9)  I lost almost 30lbs. Then things progressed and I started cutting out the sweets and pop trying to show the world how much better I was and how was so healthy! Fifth grade (age 10) came and so did this demon like perfectionist. It came yelling screaming demanding me to make straight A's and to never bother my parents. To be perfect. This could be partly induced due to the fact my brother (an addict) was creating trouble left and right for them. My brother ran away end of my fifth grade year and my mom was beside herself.

Things were the same until the summer before my sixth grade year (age 11) my mom took me shopping going on and on about how easy I was to shop for because I was so slim. This was amazing I never had gotten that kind a of praise before! So when school started I stared eating my cereal from a coffee cup rather than a bowl, I skipped lunch at school, then went to a 2 hour swim team practice, and by the time I was done I was to tired to even eat half my meal let alone a full plate. I weighed 98lbs at 5'5'' before my parents figured it out.

Then seventh grade figured out bulimia and then until now my sophomore year of college I have been normal weight on this never ending cycle of restricting to nothing then binging and purging. Now I'm predominantly restricting which is easier on the stomach for sure, but honestly I don't want this anymore...I want to be happy. I'm tired of waking up at 1:30 am to check the fridge to make sure the yogurt is still fat free, because I am going over and over my meal plan for the next day. Hoping to ingrain it into my head so I don't binge forget.

So I was trying to figure out why the hell I can't just be freaking normal and it hit me. I want the praise I want to be my mom's little girl that she bragged about to all her friends who could wear anything...I want things to slow down, I want to quit getting old the world to stop spinning and to just be held for a few minutes not worrying about med school the future etc.

Anyway as promised here is a pic of me sorta you cant see my face but I wanted to show you this hair style I did and ask your opinion of what you think?  

Okay well off to school bless your soul if you read all this!
with love,
~Ell

Hello again.

I feel like I haven't been on here in forever! My beautiful friends how are you?
I'm sorry I have been gone this depression weird disorganized version tried to take over my life, but the clean perfectionist still slightly/mildly derpessed reared it's heels and won out. So now the me I know and can be comfortable with is back.

No I do not have a personality disorder.

I just sometimes find my self battling  this other me. Which oddly enough comes around once I have been bingeing and purging. Stereotypical I know! Restricting is just so much more comforting...food makes my stomach hurt badly which is why I can't understand as to why I crave it so much...

Anyway my semester is off to a better start. I had to drop calc because of schedule conflicts, so now I'm in Brit lit, American lit, and Western Civ. I am way a head of where I should be so I am taking a little time to relax this semester with less hours.

Although I'm not relaxing I getting my ass in shape.

Swim Suit season is almost here, and I manage a pool I want to look gorgeous no, THIN.

I have a lot to post about later, but for now I will just post my intake because I'm off to work!

B:  tea
     Vitamins
     V8 fusion light- 50
L:  V8 low sodium: 75 cals
D: probably popcorn?  (120)

not sure.

with love
~Ell

Hope Has Forsaken Me

Yes while hope may have forsaken me determination hasn't. I'm not hopeful because I know it will happen. My goals are all achievable, but I have to set my ass in motion to make them happen. The only thing standing in the way of me and my goals, is me.

Last night I felt what I think my have been a close cousin of despair. I was begging for away of of this world and as a owner of a whole bottle of aderol I could have easily got my wish, but then the voice of reason began to say if you really want out can it not wait till morning and Ed jumped sides (he is very fickle) and chimed in if you die now you will be the fat ass everyone always thought you were. It hit me. Ed was right, when I die if I have any control over it I better look hot, and at least felt like I tried to succed a little bit in life, meet at least one goal, and suddenly the voice of reason slipped out slowly and Ed held me till I felt asleep.

My therapist would hate me for saying this seeing how I let her think she has "cured" this thought out of me, but if Ed hadn't found me when I was 11yr I wouldn't be here today, and if I was by some chance I would be very alone.

Sick isn't it? My company is the voice inside my head, but at least he sticks around unlike the rest of them.

with love,
~Ell